DH is addicted to porn - help please

[MumOfPopsie]

dh has porn addiction, started when he was teenager (used porn as way to comfort himself during family problems). I wasn't aware of this when we met - he concealed it from me for many years. I always knew that something was wrong, but I come from family of alcoholics so I'm used to lies and covering up - it felt very normal.

When I was pregnant, our relationship completely fell apart and he began to see other people (but kept this from me too). Somehow having our ds brought both of us to our senses - him for the double life that he was leading and me for what I was putting myself through. Since then we have both been to (separate) counselling for over a year and we have moved on a long way. He's a good dad and I do think that he loves me.

I'm still going to counselling but he has stopped going and I don't think that he has really addressed his addiction. He says that it isn't causing any problems but I don't believe him.

I'm writing this because we had planned a sexy night tonight, but whilst I was at the shops with our ds this afternoon, he looked at porn (and w**ked) and then wasn't interested in having sex with me. I was left disappointed (and frustrated) & feeling that I deserve more than this. When I asked him if he had been looking at porn he got very defensive, tried to blame me, then said he'd only be looking at it for 5 minutes then stormed off. He said that what he did this afternoon didn't make any difference to how he felt tonight - but that doesn't seem very believable to me.

After all we have been through I want to try and make this work - I love him and I want us to be a happy family. Help please.

Hi mop,
I am a long standing regular poster but have name changed for this.
I really do feel for you.
I am married to a porn addict (in fact we are now seperated and porn played a massive part in that)

My hubby grew up in a house where his father watched porn,left porn where hubby and his brother could get to it, and so hubby grew up thinking it was ok.
I was always finding books and tapes then dvds and then he discovered the internet and he spent more and more time looking at sicker and sicker porn.
We rowed I begged, he said I was fridged, (yes i was as i did not want him acting out what he was watching on me).
He left things where our son's could see them and in the end I left.
I hope i will be the wake up call he needs, see what he has lost by this obsession with porn.
I am still trying to get him to go for councilling.

I think you need to sit and explain to your DH how much he is risking by keeping on looking at the porn, lying about it (something my hubby did that drove me mad)
and see if you can get him back in to councilling .

I am sorry I have nothing to offer other then to say you are not alone here and you will get support from other MNs in the same boat.

Thanks metwo for your message, I feel that I am the end of my tether - I have tried to make it work as much as I can but there's only so much that I can do.

I feel really sorry for him because he is a good person underneath it all, but I don't know how long I can wait for him to realise that there is more to life. His dad left porn out so he thought it was very normal and his brother has the same problem too. When we talk about it, he seems to have very deep feelings of abandonment and be very scared of his emotions getting out of control. But I can't be his counsellor and the more I try to help him (and stand up for myself like tonight) the more he backs away. I think that if I suggest counselling, unless I say I am going otherwise, he will do his best to avoid it. And it feels such a big step - to leave him after all we have been through.

There is an organisation called Sex Addicts Anonymous which might be helpful (not only to addict, but relatives, too). Deals with all aspects of sex addiction (porn, use of prostitutes, unhealthy relationships etc).

Might be worth looking into.