I’m normally quite a strong character and usually have no issue in saying no when I need to. But sometimes with certain people I find myself behaving in a way which defies all logic and leaves me feeling ashamed, disrespected and manipulated.
One is a guy I was seeing for a while who I kept in touch with, despite him hurting me quite a bit in the way things finished. We met after a few months and even though I had mentally prepared myself (so I thought), he at one point kissed me and I allowed things to go further. I know that this has happened in the past and he drops me instantly after this.
I’ve never done this with any other guy and have always been quite strong in maintaining my standards. Not wanting to drip feed, he blows hot and cold, being very nice and supportive but then often criticises me, eg my hair cut or my tummy. Bizarrely, when he does this is exactly when I succumb to a subsequent tactile gesture, hug etc.
I grew up with DV and neglect and I actually feel traumatised when he leaves after these things happen (the criticism then me allowing intimacy). As I can’t understand why this unlocks my boundaries.
The other is a male friend who makes me feel manipulated by sending me gifts etc, despite being married, when I try to refuse them he won’t take them back and assured me he is just being a good friend. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with it. I’ve said I wouldn’t be happy if I was in his wife’s position but he brushes this off saying she’s fine and understands we’re friends. The thing is he is a very friendly and thoughtful person, liked by everyone, but I really don’t like receiving these gifts. It’s got to the point I feel so awkward protesting but I also find it condescending.
I do think I need counselling but not sure where to start. I think I am allowing myself to be manipulated but rather than just block I want to learn how to stand up to them and change this.
Sorry for the long post.