Stonewalling

[HGKPG]

I've been reading up a lot on this. I'm pretty sure it's why my relationship has ended.
Had anyone been through this and how did you deal with it?

What is stonewalling please?

I did with my stbexh and also gaslighting. He couldnt see what he was doing wrong. I've dealt with it by excepting that it's his issue and not mine. I refuse to be dragged down any further. 2020 has been an almighty shit show of seperation, divorce (still going through) and Covid.

Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate. Such behaviour occurs in situations such as marriage guidance counseling, diplomatic negotiations, politics and legal cases. Body language may indicate and reinforce this by avoiding contact and engagement with the other party.

All these terms need not have been made. It can really be summed up with "dick head". Sooooo many labels, it's almost giving them an excuse!!

I am familiar with it,. It's completely crazy making behaviour, you keep attempting to communicate as to an adult, but your efforts are constantly thwarted. I think used over a period of time it's abusive and it's very effective in minimising the person you are doing it to.

For me stonewalling was probably the last straw in an already terrible relationship. I ended the relationship, he cheated and then stonewalled me on trying to get any information about what was happening. The stonewalling was , to me, as damaging as the cheating.

It makes you feel very alone.

Hi, thanks for your replys.
I read a lot about it and while searching saw a thread from a few years back on here re a woman who admitted she'd done it.. But she'd taken note and she'd said she was going to try and understand and change her ways ( I wonder if she did?!)
Anyway there seems to be 2 situations.. Stonewalling and then the narcissistic way.
So what happens if youve had a 95% perfect relationship, no worries on any front but the 1 topic you want to discuss gets met with agreement and then stonewalled.. Its very confusing.
I know some will say its irreversible.. But reading online it can be dealt with if the person in hand tries.. I feel very lost and confused right now knowing I've lost an amazing person to this 1 (big) issue but 1 thing.. Help?!

Well, if it's not done in a controlling way then I imagine it's because your partner feels overwhelmed in some way about the topic/s that you want to talk about. Is that what's happening?

Can you find a way to approach it in a non confrontational way? Write letters, or emails in order to start a dialogue?

Is the one topic something that's a deal breaker to continue trying to discuss? Can you let it go?

It's more than 5% of the relationship though, this is causing you to feel lost and confused to the point your relationship ended because of it.

Lochie thanks
No def I don't feel a controlling way.
Almost everything else is amazing, but this 1 topic does crop up every so often.
Yes I've tried to email my thoughts and I get a good, positive response.. But then nothing.. I broach, he gets annoyed I'm annoyed, goes quiet and on it goes round in circles.
I've just watched a video about attachment avoidance.. I'm now wondering if it's that.. And what the difference between the 2 are?
Either way I'm gutted and wish I could change things

DH is currently stonewalling me. He hasn't spoken to me for more than a week because I had the audacity to ask him to chip in with the DC/house rather than go cycling.

This is not the first or the last time he has done this. He would claim it is because he doesn't want to argue but really he withdraws to punish me and so he can swan around doing as he please.

I am talking to a divorce lawyer tomorrow so I know how what order to do things in. So by the time he is ready to talk, I know what my plan is. I have had enough.

But normal adults don't stonewall people. That's what it boils down to. It's not that only this percentage or that percentage of the partnership is bad. It's that the PERSON is bad. Rotten. Fundamentally emotionally stunted.

So it's like sulking?

@Cherrygirl3 Exactly.

My experience of stonewalling is as a form of manipulation and abuse , but I did some reading and I think it can sometimes be because people just don't have the proper tools to cope with a situation, and so it is an avoidance tactic. It's not good, it's immature certainly. But it's not always abusive.

It's hard to tell though with the OP. Could you give an example about what happens exactly. Don't tell us what the topic is, explain it in terms of something benign. Like you want to get the milk delivered. What happens in the discussion? How long does he stonewall you for? Does it affect everything or just the conversations about the milk?

@Fantasisa

I think though if you're getting the silent treatment/stonewalling for over a week because of a discussion about housework/dc then he's an arsehole. You deserve much better than that.

Thanks @Lochie662. It isn't the only thing he does so yes, I do deserve better.

It is weirdly draining as well.

How do I know if I am stonewalling? I was trying to 'grey rock' someone toxic, but perhaps it is stonewalling?

Surely if they are toxic and you are grey rocking them then you aren't in a romantic relationship with them? I think that is the difference.

@FindingNeverland1

Well , when you're grey rocking someone, it's because you are trying to control the amount of toxicity that they are bringing into your life. And this is because they are toxic people who have to be "managed" like this. Don't feel guilty that you have had to resort to this, it's not your fault.

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone you are grey-rocking. It might be an ex you have to co-parent with or a person you have to work with, or a relative you can't always avoid? It's about managing a difficult person you can't go NC with.

Stonewalling is only effective in relationships, romantic relations, friendships, close family relationships.... It's only stonewalling if it affects the recipient.

I was at Tesco earlier, if the cashier completely ignored me they wouldn't be stonewalling because I am emotionally unaffected by the action. They would just be ignoring me.

Thanks @Lochie662. Yes it is a relative who I am unable to go NC with. But who I prefer not to interact with more than is completely necessary and who's toxicity I don't want to absorb.
Not in a relationship. But the relative thinks my behaving this way is U.

• sorry to derail, OP. I'll stop now.

My ex used to stonewall and it drove me bloody crazy.
I remember being in the car with him after splitting and i was annoyed, but I calmly gave him my piece in a polite discussing type way and he literally sat and ignored me. His facial expressions were reacting to what I was saying but he said nothing for the full journey. And then when we got out the car he just started talking again about something else like what I said didn’t happen!
He used to ignore messages about anything emotional too or give me two word replies. Drove me nuts.
He also had an inability to admit when he was wrong or apologise. Selfish, immature behaviour.

Morning. Thanks for your replies.
Sorry to hear some of you are experiencing the same.
This morning I feel like a semi trained physiologist (obviously not really but bare with)

So my example..
Day to day amazing.. We have SO much in common. No lack of convo.
Always ring or text each other. Neither has let the other down.. Can't fault 'us'
But this far down the line I obviously want progression as does he (or so he tells me) of which we are in agreement over. There have been some niggles but nothing major.
So I bring up the convo and he retracts. He says he does this because of my 'tone' or the fact I just can't sit and speak I text (which stems from feeling like I'm wasting my time so I feel that gives him the chance to give an honest not on the spot answer.. Yet he still says its what he wants. And round we go.
I'm turn to this I get frustrated and he goes quiet..for days. I've usually been the one to initiate convo and it all returns to normal like it never happened.

Reading and watching online about attachment issues is definately what's going on here. I'm wondering if I should start a new thread. It's interesting, frustrating, explains a lot of the stonewalling behaviour..

The situation now is 10 days on after I ended it and nothing from him. If I'd known about this sooner on I'd have dealt with him differently as now I feel sorry for him and want to help.

Sorry long post.

I know he isn't controlling in any other way, but he is trying to control you on this one area, in this one way.

And it's not an area you can agree to disagree on either, this is something that needs you to have some common ground. Essentially what you're asking for is security through a plan for the future?

And he's doing everything he can to shut down you asking that. To the point of maybe even manipulating you a little, complaining of your tone etc. (we can all do this sometimes, it's not always a form of abuse).

I'm assuming you want the two of you to live together, and although he initially agreed that he wants the same thing, it never goes further than a verbal agreement. Talk of actual plans are shut down?

He is happy with the way things are, you need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship under those restrictions or move on and meet someone who wants the same as you. I would maybe suggest the latter is in your own interests.

It could certainly be an attachment issue, but it's only valid if he's willing to accept and work on it, I don't know how likely that is.

Did he let you go easily? During the discussion? I have this image of him saying something like "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want"

All your really doing is chasing him. Don’t feel sorry for him he’s a grown man who can communicate if he wants to. You don’t need to try and help him into communicating. Do you really wanna chase him every time you need to discuss anything with a hint of emotional involvement?
Just ask him the questions you want to ask and if he can’t give you an answer you have your answer. If he was keen he wouldn’t let the opportunity pass would he?
He’s just avoiding it because he doesn’t want to discuss it which to me means he’s not overly invested in what you want. If he says he needs some time to think about it then that’s better than just stonewalling.

Stonewalling is shitty behaviour emotionally unavailable men use. Don’t put up with it no matter what attachment style he has.

Thanks for the replies.
Yes your right he has the chance to change things if he wants to. I'm pretty sure by the continual silence I've got my answer.
Very hard after a long time to think it's all just ended like this.
Surprised his family haven't been in touch if anything.. Makes you feel like you meant nothing. I kmow that's not true but?!.. Sigh.

Ahhh the ‘95% perfect but just this one thing’ relationship. I had one of those and it wasn’t until after the break up that I realised, the ‘just one thing’, had a greater impact on the relationship than I was willing to admit. I essentially ring fenced/ departmentalised the ‘just one thing’ in the hope that it didn’t contaminate other parts of the relationship. However, the ‘just one thing’ is rarely confined to the ‘just one thing’, because it informs a lot of other negative behaviours.

In the end the ‘just one thing’, wasn’t the exception I so desperately wanted it to be.

Agent but I don't. Our 1 thing I would genuinely been up for compromising/giving up on.. Seriously I would. Because I've realised and learnt he's a dissmissive avoidant type I can see how my nagging didn't help at all. I also know I wouldn't have ever got.. But if I'd understood then what I do now it wouldn't have been a big deal.. You learn hey