How do I accept it???

[MsBlobbyWobbly]

Thanks to the wonderful help on mumsnet,I had begun to realise that my husband is emotionally abusive, sexually coercive and bordering on financial abusive.

I can logically look at from the outside and see his behaviour is unacceptable. If it was a friend or sibling,I would be able to see the situation so much more clearly.

But I find it so hard to accept this is who he is, that he wont change and that really I should leave,But I cant,I just dont know how to accept this.

Has anyone else felt like this?????

I found it helpful to make a thread, as you have done.

Everyone will back you up and then you can look back at the thread as needed to see that what he's like is not ok.

You could write about what he's been like in he past and what he's doing now. xx

Thank you Interestedwoman it's so hard to write about it,I feel like I'm betraying him and its disloyal,I cant get out of my head that hes a good person and I have made him into a person that isnt so nice.

So confused,I'm having counselling at the moment,my counsellor is aware of the issues.
I have sat and cried about how I'm being treated. My husband pressures me for sex constantly the biggest problem at the moment is his refusal to wear condoms without my insistence, he puts it of and trys to get me to go along with not using them. A couple of times he wouldn't stop and carried on without one.
I dont want to get pregnant and Im unable to use hormonal contraceptives. I'm really worried.
I discussed it with my Counsellor and they were saying my communication style is what is causing the problem.
Maybe that's were I'm struggling,I need a real live person in front of me to support me and I dont have it.
I want someone to give me a hug and say your not wrong.
Just totally confused.

"I discussed it with my Counsellor and they were saying my communication style is what is causing the problem."

Really? Your H is trying to pressure you into having sex w/o a condom and the problem is your communication style? Your H is the problem, possibly followed by your counsellor. Presumably your H knows you don't want to get pregnant but may well be trying to get you pregnant to make it harder for you to get away.

Not only are you not wrong - you are right that this is no way for a loving partner to behave towards you and it sounds like you have also realised that you need to get away.

Firstly, be gentle with yourself. Leaving any relationship is difficult and where there is abuse it can, strangely, be even harder. The ecstasy/agony cycle of an abusive relationship can be addictive since abusers can love bomb like there's no tomorrow. Plus he will probably have trained you to put his needs before yours the whole time, whittled down your self esteem and generally invaded your thinking. You might find it helpful to read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood and "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets into Her Head" by Don Hennessy.

Speak to Women's Aid if you can. Unless you are in immediate physical danger, you have time to plan. Do NOT tell him you are looking to leave.

Get a new counsellor.

Your therapist is wrong. No means no. There is no special style of communication required to say no.

You need to dump the counsellor as well - utter garbage.

You are going to get pregnant if you don't act. So if you're not going to leave at the moment, you need to make an appointment and get the coil.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please speak to Women's Aid and Rape Crisis.

Thank you,I have time to plan,I'm safe. I just cant find the guts to make the step of actually taking action and planning to leave.
It certainly feels like hes trying to trap me,by me getting pregnant.
I think I do need to find another Counsellor they have been really helpful in lots of ways,but it isnt the first time they have really failed to acknowledge what I'm saying and I come out of it feeling like I'm to blame for every single problem.
Which when I'm trying to build up the courage, to stand up for myself,really isnt helping

It sounds like you're in a rather dangerous situation actually. What this man is doing is sexual abuse and the idea that he would deliberately impregnate you to keep you - that's chilling. It shows just what a colossal sense of entitlement he has. Cld you just have a really long period? Or claim to have developed a UTI and be unable to have sex for a while? How would he respond to that?

Is there anywhere you can go to get away without him? Do you have an elderly relative you can claim needs a visit from you or sth?

I dont have any family close by,Lockdown hasn't helped,I have no excuse or reason to go anywhere with out him.
I have irregular bleeding because of various issue,hes not bothered by that.
I was very lonely when I was pregnant and had very young children,no support,fairly new to the area. But for him it was a lovely time,I didnt have any distractions,all my time and energy went on him and the children,My whole live revolved around him. I think that's what he wants to recreate,I dont think hes doing it to trap me. But it would.

I cant get out of my head that hes a good person and I have made him into a person that isnt so nice.

This is definitely not true. But if it helps, the answer to that thought is: therefore I should leave him, stop all contact, at least for a year to work on myself, so that he can be the nice person again.

I say that in the hopes that after a year you don't want to go back.

OP I have posted on a thread which you might find helpful.Experiences about control,guilt,coersion, denial....all those emotions you are going through. I hear you and it is torture to be in that situation, constantly doubting yourself,not wanting to face the reality. Please don't feel alone. And please dont get pregnant, abusers usually ramp up the abuse if you do,and you have less options to leave.

Talk/relationships/3972231-Struggling-with-life-after-a-narcissitic-relationship.

Keep talking, we are listening.

How old are your DC now?

Thank you,I will check out that thread,that sums up exactly how I'm,feeling ,guilt,denial,confusion. All running around in my head. It's a struggle to work it out.

Last years of primary school

Just go with the feelings,try to acknowledge them. I found that the cognitive dissonance in a situation like this was exhausting, trying to work out what and how and why...it paralyses you and you cant think straight. Sometimes there are no answers,you just need to leave. Easy to say,excruciatingly hard to do I know.

@dery
"the ecstasy/agony cycle of an abusive relationship can be addictive since abusers can lovebomb like there's no tomorrow.Plus he will have trained you to put his needs before yours . ."
How chilling are those words? I felt physically sick as the situation sounds so familiar.
@MsBlobbyWobbly
Please contact local Womens Aid as soon as you can, they can advise you. Keep talking, we are all here for you.

NativeAustralian you just explained it perfectly,That's exactly how I feel,like I'm utterly exhausted, going round in circles.

OP I know, it's a headf#ck and leaves you no resources for anything else as you are in extreme stress fight/ flight mode. Bet your physical health is not too good either,headaches,insomnia,aches...all part of this package....the gift that keeps on giving.

You cant tell up from down..hes nasty...but did he mean it? Did I cause it? He loves me..but love shouldn't be this way...or should it? Am I so bad hes turned from adoring me to this? I need to go..or do I? Is it that bad? Etc etc.

I keep recommending Richard Grannon's spartanlife coach to people on YouTube. He explains the trauma bond,abuse,and narcissistic behaviour.Its very insightful.

Also Lundy Bancroft " why does he do that" is a good read.

I know the best advice is to leave,but sometimes your brain is so mashed it wont let you see reality. I found actually understanding what the hell is going on helps..and hopefully then get the knowledge and understanding to move forward.

@carreterra - it is chilling. Sorry my post made you feel sick, though!!!