Constant issue regarding time spent apart

[Merilane]

Hello all! I feel I need some kind of reassurance that I am not doing anything wrong or I'm not being a bad person/partner. I've been with my partner for 3 years, living together for 2. No kids, early 30s. A bit of background is that we have had issues regarding time spent together/apart since the beginning and I've heard a lot of "you are not spending enough time with me" from him. I'm not the most active social wise, but I do have an activity that takes a few hours per week and I meet my friends up to twice per month for a few hours. In addition I'm the one who also needs alone time at home away from everyone and everything in silence. I also have family and friends 5-hour drive away, so when I was single I used to visit them around three times per year for a week or two each time. He doesn't have any activities outside home he pursues without me, he doesn't meet with his friends/colleagues and he doesn't meet his family without me. So although he is wonderful in every way, I have been feeling rather claustrofobic. He wants to talk a lot all the time and I pretty much never get any natural silence longer than 10 minutes at home (unless I specifically tell him to not to talk to me for an hour, for example). I have always told him that I need my space and my activities, he seemed to understand, but then acted sulky and even passive-aggressive in the beginning of the relationship and it made feel so bad.

We had a massive fight over the issue about a year ago, when he realized that if he continues to make me feel bad about it I will leave the relationship. Then, he promised the world for me, how he will start finding some activities he can entertain himself to give me some solitude sometimes at home and also he will accept my life outside of the relationship without the sulkiness. It has gotten better now as in I have reduced my outside home activity time and my visits alone to my family - we go there together once per year and I go there alone once per year for a couple of days. I have adapted to not being able to get any solitude at home - it bothers me, but I can deal with it now. He doesn't sulk (most of the time) when I want to go somewhere alone and he is surprisingly supportive of the fact that I decided to go to university for my master's degree this year - meaning I have considerably less time for him. He still hasn't tried to pick up some activities or friends for him - but I can deal with it now, as I said, I have adapted.

My issue now is that I told him I want to go to see my family and not just for a few days but for a whole week. I told him I want to go, but did not tell for how long. He said "if you think you have to, then go". It was not very sulky, but it was not very neutrally positive also. And it triggered all those negative feelings in me again. And now I'm trying to find ways in my head that maybe I could be there less, or perhaps I do not need to go, or maybe I should ask him to go with me for a couple of days and so on. At the same time knowing that I want to go there alone and for the whole week and that he will be perfectly fine. But I just feel I cannot deal with the "thick air" between us. I do not even know if it exists, but the past experiences always trigger it when I tell him I want to go somewhere. I always try to find words how to tell it to him etc, as he has also told me several times that the way I tell him things is not OK - whether I explain too much or too less or I do not consult with him before or I consult and he feels like I want him to make a decision for me.

It's really a small part of our lives and otherwise we are happy, he is a great partner, we have fun and all is good. But this one issue always just lingers in the air (at least for me) and makes me feel so bad. And now I'm sitting here and trying to find words to say to him tonight that I want to be away for the whole week. I feel like I can't handle facing the potential sulk or moodiness, although I'm not even sure wheter it comes or not.

Could you please tell that it is not wrong that I want it and I should not worry about a grown men if I leave him alone for a week?

Of course it's not wrong. I couldn't live with that, OP.

Is he controlling in other ways? I ask because my ex was like this, but it was part of a bigger picture. He would constantly treat me like I was being unreasonable for wanting to see friends and family. Time spent with other people, in his eyes, meant time I didn't want to spend with him. He couldn't understand that it's normal and healthy to have other close relationships in your life and not live in each other's pockets.

The issue is definitely his and not yours. If you feel that there is an atmosphere and he's sulking when you want to go anywhere, trust that, you're not imagining it. It's controlling behaviour and not something you should put up with.

Something desperately wrong with him. I would think seriously about ending it it's only going to get worse.

What concessions has he made to you? You've massively reduced seeing family and friends, cut down on your activity, learned to live with him not respecting or understanding your need for time alone and learned to tolerate his occasional sulks.

He has reduced his sulking (but not eliminated it). His attitude remains the same.

Is this in any way fair or tolerable for the next 60 years?

And now I'm sitting here and trying to find words to say to him tonight that I want to be away for the whole week. I feel like I can't handle facing the potential sulk or moodiness

The words are easy OP.
'I'm going to see my family for a week from Monday XX date and I'll be back on Sunday XX date. Just to let you know. I don't want any of your PA shit. I hope you can respect that.'
Job done!

Stop pussy footing around this controlling dick.
You are already changing who you are and how you spend your time.
His tactic has worked on you.
You are towing the line nicely and he gets what he wants.
It's controlling and it is NOT OK!
Why are you putting up with this crap?
You told him what you need but still you are 'adapting'.
He hasn't adapted has he?

Don't allow any man this kind of control over you.
Speak honestly to him and tell him how it is.

It will get worse though.
When kids come along the control and abuse will ramp up.
I can guarantee it!

He must have loved lockdown. He had you exactly where he wanted you.

What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds like you're in a prison. You're not able to be your true self, are you? Look around you at all the other couples where one partner goes out without a huge fuss made. Don't you envy them? You will never ever be in this position with this man.

He sounds boring, too. All he wants to do is to talk to you. Are you sure he has enough to talk about to keep you interested?

Oh and that atmosphere? You are really not imagining that. He's created it so that you bend to his will.

I couldn't live like that.

He doesn't have any activities outside home he pursues without me, he doesn't meet with his friends/colleagues and he doesn't meet his family without me

You have become his hobby. It's not you, it's him. I would feel stifled. Having children would make the situation worse - and what happens when he starts on them?

Exactly what @HollowTalk said. You’re shrinking your life down to suit a man who can’t be bothered to generate or maintain his own friendships or interests, sulks when you behave like an autonomous human being, and just wants to follow you around the house talking at you as his preferred activity. Do you really want to face a lifetime of this?

My DH is much less social than I am. But - and this is the key thing - when I have those nights out with my friends every couple of weeks, or time out on the weekend to do my hobby, he is totally fine about it. He tells me to have a good time and settles down with a movie or TV show he wants to see that I wouldn't enjoy, and we both have a nice night. And when we are invited to things as a couple, even if with people who are more my friends than his, he'll make the effort and come and generally enjoys himself.

The fact you are nervous about telling him you want to spend a week with your family is a big, big problem.

I used to know a woman who married someone like your DP. When I knew her she had good friendships, went out a lot socially, was a dedicated wild swimmer. I re-encountered her after almost 20 years of marriage to a man who is too lazy to maintain friendships or hobbies, and whose idea of bliss is never leaving the house apart from going to work. (Lockdown was heaven for him.) She’s a shadow of her former self. I think she just gave up from the sheer permanent pressure of his displeasure at anything other than them both tucked up in slankets on the sofa on their phones.

Imagine if you have dc.
Sahm and housebound I imagine...

Run run run

At best you are incompatible, at worst he is controlling and will only get worse. Do not have children with him.

Oh dear. This isn’t right. You aren’t compatible

He's given me the ick just reading about him. No friends, no hobby, just being with you... That is so needy, I could not put up with that. Just tell him you are going and if he sulks, tell him to do one.

That second paragraph . He promised you the world but then didn't change at all, and you were the one who had to adapt, and give up on things you value. That's so shit OP. I would leave. He's not listening to your feelings or willing to compromise at all.

Thank you all. There are thoughts in your replies that I have thinked about, too. For example the fact that I have adapted for him, but he hasn't for me... And I have been worried about how it would be with children. But then again, he is fun to be around with and he cares so much about me. Helps me when I need help, comforts me when I'm sad or ill, cooks-cleans-repairs, he is incredibly smart and has golden hands etc. In most of the ways I feel he is a jackpot. This is why I feel reluctant to give up the relationship. And indeed, I want children and I really think it would be difficult to find someone new. Especially as I have not had many relationships and it's the first full-on, long-term relationship. So I'm actually scared I will miss my chance to get a family if I leave the relationship.

I really think I just have to put my foot down more often and be more self-assured. I really needed the reminder from you!

He has had friendships and hobbies in his life before, but somewhere along the way, prior to meeting me, it somehow vanished and he is now rather insecure and this holds him back. I have given up encouraging him to try. So my other options are to leave the relationship or try to be me in the relationship. This thread has reminded me strongly that I must stop this circle and do what I need to do and it is then up to him to decide whether he can deal with it or not. Right?

Still, to be honest, I think I have some kind of deadline in the back of my head. I'll start university in Autumn and it takes at least two years to finish. I'm doing it while still working, though not full-time. If he can manage it without driving me crazy I guess we are good, if not - I must strongly think about the breakup.

But as said, I hear what you are saying, but I really want to try to make it work. And your replies gave me the reassurance I needed (at least for now) - I must do what I want to do and it is up to him to deal with it. I'm not doing anything wrong.

Ok, I read some more comments that were not visible prior to me posting my reply. It seems it's not that simple.. A lot of thinking to do. Perhaps the week away helps me to see things more clearly. It feel so unfair.. He is such a good guy, but the one issue is indeed killing me inside.

He's not a good guy when he's sulking and making you feel bad for doing perfectly normal things. I couldn't live with this, I'm too independent

He maybe IS the best guy you have met so far - as you say its your first long term relationship so nothing to compare it with then?
Nobody in here will shout out that it's a healthy relationship op..

It's really a small part of our lives

But it isn't small is it? You were shrinking your world to fit round him. I say 'were' because hopefully you now see that, and will act accordingly.

No man who really cares about you will imprison you.

If you have kids you'll be much more in his control. It isn't right that he's making you feel guilty for going to see your family.

OP, you’re right to worry about what would happen if you had children. The woman I described in my last post had two children with the husband who never went out and had no friends and hobbies — her husband’s disinclination to ever do anything extended to never taking the children out, even to the park, taking them to swimming lessons or Guides, having their friends over etc. The children led very curtailed lives, like their parents, and were rather isolated. (His wife did a bit, but I think had been ground down.)

And her husband was in many ways a lovely man — clever, a delightful conversationalist, helpful and an excellent cook. (And he’d had friends and hobbies in the past, but when it came down to it, he couldn’t be arsed.) But his dislike of ever doing anything not strictly necessary outside the house meant his entire family had small, isolated lives.

Always be careful if you hear yourself saying, "I know what, I'll get him to change..."