Child Agreement - Holidays

[SansaStarkofWinterfell]

Apologies in advance for the length of this! I am looking for some advice regarding a child agreement I am hoping to set up between myself and my ex partner. We have a DS4 and generally get on ok, this is usually because I will be as flexible as possible to ensure we are civil.

We had a agreement previously for every other weekend, from Friday morning till Sunday around 12ish.

During COVID my ex did not have contact with DS for 10 weeks due to DS being shielded. After the first 10 weeks I pushed for DS to have contact again as it was really starting to take it toll on him. Ex's shift patterns have been changed due to COVID so we are now doing Saturday 5pm to Sunday 3pm. He messes me around with this arrangement too, not turning up on time etc but that's another rant all together!

I text ex on Saturday to inform him of a holiday I had booked ages ago which is on his weekend with DS. I said I'm giving you plenty of notice (mid Sept) to arrange something, it been booked for ages. He came back with a really rude reply basically saying his shifts were due to go back to normal in August, but if not he wouldn't be taking any time off work so I can go away it's not his problem.

I replied to him with it's not my problem your shifts have changed but as a reasonable parent I will adjust to make things easier all round. This could have easily escalated into a huge row which I didn't want so after a couple of texts I didn't reply.

I am now looking into a child agreement, looking to get every other weekend Friday 5pm (DS starts school in September) to Monday 9am. I really hope this will avoid any future issues, as I am the main parent I feel I haven't really got any options when he says he can't do this or that due to work, he's so stubborn he would just refuse and where would I go from there?!

Anyway my question is what usually happens during summer holidays, is it the main parents job to sort all childcare?

Also AIBU regarding the September holiday? I've been inside with DS for months on end with less than 24 hours "off" each week. Is it my job to arrange cover for the weekend or ex's responsibility to sort out?

Thanks if you have got this far! X

You can’t force an absent parent to have their child - if they say no then you’re left holding the baby so to speak !
So unfortunately he can and probably will mess you around - if that’s his intention .
Is the holiday with your child or without ?
If without can u get someone else to babysit ?

I can’t really advise on successful arrangements as my kids were always messed about with contact.

He sounds a lot like my ex, who is also a prick! As PP said, you can't force him to take responsibility and you will always be the one picking up the slack I'm afraid.

My exh has been messing me around for 8 years and still won't accept responsibility. I sort every holiday and I'm 'lucky' if he helps out.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid but you do kind of learn to live with it. I'm lucky that I have some great support from parents but I appreciate this isn't the answer

Its crap, you just have to try and get your head around the fact that you are a full time single parent and ex will "help" when it suits.

My exH has Ds just over 25% of the time. School holidays etc are a case off "well I'm working so you will just have to sort it". Same with school pickups on his days. He thinks hes doing me a massive favour during these upcoming summer holidays (6 weeks) because hes having Ds 4 extra days. Had to give up a job I loved because he was to big and important to take time off work for holidays/Ds being sick. My DP lost his job due to Covid (he was a above average earner) and cant find anything else. I'm desperately searching for something as savings are almost finished and hes still refusing to step up so I can work and keep a roof over his Ds head

It massively angers me on a regular basis but like pp said you cant force him to step up unfortunately. The best advice would be to just plan to do it all by yourself. Use friends/family/babysitters and dont rely on him.

Technically, on 'your' time, you need to arrange childcare. First option should be DS's dad, but if he can't do it, you need to find an alternative. It would be ideal if he could, but he doesn't have to move work to accommodate it.

I would call his bluff in advance.. Offer him bare minimum if that's what he usually has. Tell him you have found a paid babysitter who is looking forward to having ds...
As soon as you are suggesting 'child care' from him you seem like he is doing you a favour.