Please talk me down- contacting Ex

[formerlyAlibra]

DP and I had been together 3 years, I love him very much.
He has ADHD and depression, both Unmedicated and he drinks too much.

I believe both of our mental health has suffered over lockdown, I have found his behaviours frustrating and he has found me touchy, and we have rowed a lot- this escalated over the weekend and Saturday night I told him to leave- he left first thing Sunday and told me he would be in touch to collect his things when he secures a permanent place to live.

I feel like I am grieving, I miss him So bloody much and just want to give him a cuddle. I want to contact him desperately and I am struggling to hold back from this, even though he only left yesterday and I know I should give things time to cool off.

There are steps he needs to take if our relationship is ever going to work/continue, and I feel awful that I have dropped him when he needs support to do these things.

I am going round in circles in my head.

Please tell me all the reasons why I should NOT contact him please oh wise Mumsneters

And what do I do with all his bloody stuff?? I have achieved lots today- but when it came to putting the washing away I felt like crying!

I don't want him to go, I want him to take steps to improve 🤦‍♀️

He's had 3 years to put steps in place with your support. THREE whole years to take steps to improve both his life and yours. Instead he chose not to and chose to drink too much instead.

You can't support someone who is not supporting themselves. In those circumstances, you aren't actually 'supporting', but subsuming your own needs, wants and mh. You get sucked dry, while the other person continues just as they were. You make their life made easier and enable them, while your life gets smaller as it focuses on them, and harder.

You can't love him out of his issues. He has to actively want to deal with them himself. And he doesn't. He wants you to deal with them while he drinks.

Thank you- that is entirely correct and does help re-enforce what I know.

I find myself in a tangle of "he can't deal with the issues BECAUSE of the issues" and thinking that's why I think he needs my support (and to be fair, he has taken steps to improve things, but it's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of thing)

But yes, I am enabling him, and falling into a parent/child dynamic due to the ADHD, which definitely is not a healthy way to live.

Thank you- that is entirely correct and does help re-enforce what I know.

I find myself in a tangle of "he can't deal with the issues BECAUSE of the issues" and thinking that's why I think he needs my support (and to be fair, he has taken steps to improve things, but it's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of thing)

But yes, I am enabling him, and falling into a parent/child dynamic due to the ADHD, which definitely is not a healthy way to live.

Let him feel the pain of loss.
Stop enabling him, you are getting in the way of his development.

You have your own work and growing to do, focus on that.
Why is this relationship OK for you?

All the work you were putting into him, give to yourself.

What do you want to do?
Exercise? Save? Speak another language? Catch up with old friends? Decorate?