Abuse is over, now what

[Cakequeen1988]

I’ve been in an abusive relationship with my exP for 18 months. Foolishly I didn’t see the signs at the start and or chose to ignore them however a list of things he has done are

Being verbally abusive, name calling and swearing
Physically violent on 2 occasions grabbing me by my throat
Threatening suicide on the numerous occasions I tried or said I’d leave
Checking up on me by text constantly, including accusations I wasn’t where I said I was
Keeping me on the phone hours arguing
Throwing his weight around punching a door or throwing a towel etc at me aggressively
Gaslighting
Generally leaving me on edge, not knowing which way was up and leaving me feeling an emotional wreck of feelings towards him.

The list goes on....

But I’ve left, thank God. But here is my issue. I should be happy, I should feel a weight is lifted and in some ways I do. It took me so many attempts to go but I know mentally now I’ll never go back. But why am I not happy.

I’m a bit lost in life and feel what I can only describe as a deep internal sadness. I have lots to be happy about, good job, own home, A great daughter (who were always absent when abuse occurred) great family. So why am I not happy?

I just don’t know what to do to find the old me.

Any help or advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be massively appreciated.

I dont know why but I always think of this quote when thinking of the after feeling of leaving an abuser.

Its like something in ourselves was lost. And in a way it was. An innocence. Because before it happened, we never would have expected someone we care for, who was supposed to care for us, could be so utterly heartless.

And now, how do we start over?
I think, we do do by realising that all life has sorrow but also, joy. And we shpuldnt let the villains of our story define us. We can start afresh. Less innocent but wiser for it.

We always change anyway, life changes us. Maybe find the new you instead of looking for the old one :) maybe you need to try something new, a new hobby, a new adventure.

I’ve been in a very similar situation and I wish someone had told me to get some counselling once I’d escaped. I thought that because it was over I’d be ok but nearly 10 years down the line it still haunts me at times and only now am I getting some serious help. I put it all in a box and tried not to think about it but eventually the lid comes off the box. You’ve done an incredibly brave thing and now it’s time to find ‘you’ again, just be careful not to mistake relief for being ok xx

You've been through trauma OP, you're traumatised. Speak to your GP and they should be able to signpost you to support services, counselling or therapy, depending on what's available in your area. To help you find the old you (you will probably never be the same you again but you will be a stronger wiser you).

A tip I quite like for getting in touch with yourself and your own wants and needs is to start really small. What do YOU want for breakfast. How do YOU want to spend your morning. What do YOU want to watch on TV. Start tuning in to yourself in these little ways and the big ways will start to happen.

@Cakequeen1988

OP, you are not happy as you invested so much time, effort, and dare I say it, love, into the relationship. Your reasons for ending it are just as valid now as they were when you left. You are a much better person than me, I can see that in your detailing of his abusive behaviour, which you must have tried repeatedly to forgive. You are reflecting now on all the time spent with him, it wasn't wasted time, as you now have the wisdom of experience, and will not put up with this again, from anybody. Do you have a faith? If so, I read Psalm 91 over and over again, 4 weeks ago when I ended a relationship of 16 years. I was planning to leave when I received my workplace pension, but I had just had enough, now am in a precarious financial situation, but am hopeful for the future. Try and dwell on the positives, including your daughter. Best wishes

I'm going through similar

Just got to ride out the pain and you must grieve and cry. Don't push any feelings aside, sit in the pain and let it go when it's ready. Pain is a sign of change, not a sign of bad.

@carreterra I have done a lot of lurking on the relationship section here and also am reading Lundy Bancrofts book as so many recommendations it. I’m not religious but will look up the psalm. Thank you and I wish you strength and good luck in your journey.

@BoomyBooms and @LilyLolo81I will go and seek counselling. One concern I had is if I explain all that’s happened especially the physical violence wether the doctors will involve social services etc

@Bunnymumy thank you, yes a new adventure once lockdown life fully ends would certainly lift my spirits! I need something to focus on I think

And thank you all for replying, it means a lot to me x

You've been running on adrenaline - Now that's gone you are bound to feel flat until you settle into your new life.

Plus you are grieving. Sounds daft but you will grieve for what it should have been. You didn't deliberately enter an abusive relationship and you will grieve the relationship you thought you were going to have.

When you are with an abusive partner you get used to looking for his wants and needs. Now you don't have that 'guidance' it takes time to get back in touch with your own wants and needs. That can take a long get back especially if you were low before the relationship started.

Believe in yourself and you will get there.

Ask yourself. If my friend Annie felt like this what would I advise her to do - and then don't even think if you want to or not - just do it. You will get used to doing things for yourself again eventually.