DH and I communicate differently

[Mycatscollar]

DH is a big one for communicating through touch.

He likes to stand close, sit right next to me, have an arm around me, stroke my leg, twiddle with my hair, hold hands all the time.

I’m just not like this. It makes me uncomfortable to be honest.

And he’s not a talker. Touching me is how he communicates.

Is there a way through this? He is a good man, but I desperately need space.

That sounds tricky. You say he's not a talker - so have you been able to have any chats about him crowding your personal space?

I really, really struggle to know how to address it.

For him it would be the equivalent of saying to me to stop talking, so it’s tricky.

Why did you marry him if this is such a big issue for you? I'm a very touchy feely person in a relationship and white if someone said they needed more space early on I'd be fine, I'd be pretty devastated if they waited til after we got married to say that they don't like being cuddly?

Things can creep up and become an issue over time.

I think you need to discuss this and find a compromise.

If you can't then you aren't meant to be together

Such black and white statements are so unhelpful when I’m here searching for genuine advice.

What I’m wondering is how - how to raise this.

@Mycatscollar

It was genuine advice, the only way you can solve this is by having a discussion.

Please don't ask for opinions if you only want specific answers.

I would consider ending a marriage and therefore hugely impacting on children because of abuse, affairs or another huge issue e.g. sent to prison for something. Not something like this.

I think if he uses touching as his way of connecting in the same way you would with talking it really could put a strain on your marriage to stop this. It could really disconnect you both if done badly.
I’ve no advice but I’m sending and hope someone can help you reach a compromise with him!

You really do need to talk to him or else you will get even more resentful and annoyed with him and he won't have a clue what's happening . Just be gentle and explain that while it's nice that he wants to touch you all the time you would appreciate it if he gave you a bit of space and a bit of alone time .
Can you use another room to do a craft or watch tv on your own to get him used to being away from you maybe?

Thank you wonderland, that’s my worry really, it could cause so much hurt if done badly.

And yes - I’d love to just be in another room! But the layout of the house doesn’t easily allow for this.

Did you enjoy his touch when you were dating or has this always been an issue? Is it as simple as you've gone off him or is it just that you are touched out by him? It is exacerbated by lockdown? If so you wouldn't be alone.

Any enjoyment left when I realised it wouldn’t end, when I realised that it would just go on and on for hours and hours.

You sound like you need a gentle non-hurtful reason why this is a recent issue so he doesn't get hurt thinking he's always been too touchy for you. So touched out because of dc - if they are young. Hormonal changes causing skin over sensitivity if not (he's unlike to question a hormone issue). Pandemic lockdown causing claustrophobia issues and a need for space.

If you don't sort this now when it's just really annoying you, this will grow and fester further until a day when you'll break and scream "stop fucking touching me for fuck sake".

I can understand you don't want to hurt him. Without knowing him and his sensitivities it's a little hard to advise on how best to approach it. How do you normally resolve issues between the pair of you?

I wonder whether it would be worth trying to start some sort of conversation about different ways people love to show affection? Maybe even begin by pointing out that you like to explore intimacy via chatting and he does my touch? Maybe that can open the door to saying you'd prefer to try and meet in the middle so he talks more and touches less?

Touch is a means of soothing or affection, it’s not really the same as communicating though.

I have to say that having someone touching me all the time would actually be really annoying!

My husband is much more tactile than I am generally, and he did know I think about a year into our relationship I was not a massive cuddler etc. We have a conversation about it and then we both compromise, I find it quite claustrophobic if everytime I was near him he needed to touch me but we are both respectful of what the other needs. Its taken us 8 years to get to the point, and every so often he'll let me know if I'm basically being an antisocial penguin. Hopefully you can have an honest chat. It may also be heightened at the minute with covid as you may have been spending more time together than normal etc xx

Has the touching, hand holding, hair twiddling etc increased or has it always been like this? Probably easier to raise if its becoming more common,tbh it would drive me nuts to! Could you compromise and accept touching you dont mind, holding hands perhaps, but discourage something might hate like maybe the hair twiddling? The only way through is too talk about it but i can see how hard this would be,the other alternative is to deflect and distract as much as possible!

Do you have DC? Because if not, and you want them, this is only likely to get worse. Children need a LOT of touch.

If his need for physical contact has increased over the years then I think it's fair for you to tell him that you can't cope with it.

You do need to be prepared for him deciding he can't live like this though, and either ending the marriage or discreetly getting his needs met elsewhere.

There is a HUGE difference between cuddling a child and an adult, even!

his needs met - I’m not talking about sex, though. I’m not even talking about normal amounts of contact. For example the other day we were walking somewhere, the pavement was narrow, it’s as if he physically can’t be parted from me for a moment so had to hold hands, which meant I ended up covered in scratches from brambles because that was the only way to fit us both on the pavement. That’s not having his needs met, that’s being ridiculous.