Just found out he cheated on me

[JennyPea65]

I was widowed 3 years ago after a wonderful marriage and met what I thought was a kind decent man 12 months ago. I split with him 3 months ago but a week ago the woman he cheated on me contacted me and informed me that he was with her for 4 months whilst with me earlier this year (I had no idea about her before that). He told me he needed space due to depression and I've been supporting him right up until I found out last week about her. What I find really hard to deal with is, he and I had a normal good sex life, but with her he was doing kinky stuff, bondage, recording webcam stuff of her, sexting, all sorts of dirty stuff. He never asked me for anything like that, and I had no idea he had fetishes or was leading up to and enjoying being sexual violent with her. Everyone knew about me and him in a relationship, but he kept her and her kids quiet from everyone, but it's all public knowledge now that he was cheating. He's shamed me in a small local community. I've never been through anything like this, had a long happy marriage before hand. I feel like I want to shower all the time. The police are involved now because of her kids and the lies he's told. How could I not have know what sort of man he is ? I feel such a fool !

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. People will judge him, and possibly her, but not you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, be kind to yourself and know you deserve better. It will get easier in time.

I’m not sure I understand what this has to do with the police?

Things he has done, including up loading videos of her to porn sites.

This is not your shame. This is his. All you did was take his nice guy act at face value. I bet you're not the only one - his friends who thought he was a nice guy for example. Do you expect yourself to be psychic? A human lie-detector?

Hold your head up as you did what any normal nice person would do: assume the other person was a nice normal person too!

As other PP have said: you have nothing to be ashamed of. You thought you'd met a lovely man and had a relationship with him accordingly.

He chose to cheat. If he had kinks or fantasies that you were unaware of and he chose to act them out elsewhere, I do not see how that could possibly be under your control.

It is not clear why the OW felt the need to contact you and tell you things in such gory detail and I am sure that was deeply unpleasant, but it says far more about her character than yours.

Take a deep breath and remember "sod everyone else". You have done nothing wrong and any shame is his. for you. xx

JennieP, widowhood after a long, happy marriage brings its own special kind of pain and vulnerability. I am 4 and a half years into widowhood. I doubt my ability to make wise choices now; I misread advances from a player, thought they were sincere, when all around other people were concerned and alarmed. But not one person thinks I have behaved shamefully, only that this person has chosen to take advantage of somebody in a vulnerable position. People will think the same about you; you have done nothing wrong, only been kind and lovely and caring. But his actions towards the woman who has now to deal with the damage to her kids - he is a demonstrably a lying, depraved monster who hid under a cloak of respectability.

He's shamed me in a small local community
NO OP!
He has shamed himself.
NOT YOU!!!
Don't allow that crap to enter your head.
You are a nice, decent human. You thought you had a lovely monogamous relationship.
NONE of this is your fault.
It is NOT your shame.
Block, ignore and delete both of them and move on with your life.
Get an STD test as well.
Get RL love and support around you.
Keep busy.
((((HUGS))))

You've done nothing wrong,OP. You were loving and trusted him. He is obviously a liar and treated both you and the OW (and her children) disgustingly! Please ignore any small town gossips and remember they will move on quickly to the next subject to talk about

I don't get why the police are involved unless they have been up to something against the law?

Uploading videos of people without their consent is illegal

That is so shocking for everyone involved. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you innocently got caught up with a man who has absolutely no morals, a vile and disgusting predator. NOBODY thinks the person they are with is capable of this level of treachery. You did NOTHING wrong. I'm so sorry.

The fact he didn't ask you to those things is just that he is able to compartmentalise very well , and easily. You were in the "long term romantic partner/friend/supportive role." He wanted someone he could screw over without potentially losing that. He's truly awful.