I want more from life

[alicequartz]

This is probably going to make me sound heartless but I'm really not.

I have been with my partner for 20 years. We got together when I was 18 and he was 27. To begin with the age gap wasn't a problem as we both shared the same interests.

After our child was born we stopped trying to do anything as just a couple and every day out/ activity was designed for our dc. I thought that was just what everyone else did after having children.

Now as our youngest child has reached an age where they are more independent, I've suggested me and dp to do things together. He won't agree to do anything.

The part that will make me seem heartless, he has a condition where any stressful situation causes him a great deal of anxiety and stress and he almost becomes paralyzed by it.
Throughout the years this has got worse and I'm sorry to say I've had enough.

He finds doing almost everything stressful.
I want to be able to go places and have fun, Take our dc on holiday. We can't do anything, not even as a family now.

I feel like I'm wasting many years and the only option I can see is separating or at least living in separate houses.

How can I do this when it's not his fault and I will be punishing him for his illness?

Is he willing to get help for his illness?

I do think some men become really boring as they get older anyway. Would you feel up for holidays without him?

Is he doing anything to address his mental health? You can’t stay just for him if it’s making you so unhappy.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep another person warm 💐

He's been on medication for most of our relationship. I've suggested he enquirers about swapping medication as I do wonder if they are partly to blame.

He tries to keep his illness under control and to do that he tries to avoid stressful situations. It just means me and dc have to go without too as if I suggest taking the dc on my own on holiday for example, he will worry and become stressed anyway.

I think you need to meet in the middle. You can't just stay home all the time.

I think you need to do whatever if takes to be happy and that may mean leaving him. Just because someone has a mental illness it doesn’t make you obligated to stay. He’s using avoidant behaviour to keep it under control (which is not healthy) but you’re suffering for it. Your DCs need a happy mummy. You have to look after yourself and your own well-being so you can be the best mum you can be.

I think you need to start doing things without him anyway and if he's anxious he will just have to find a way to deal with it. Life is for living and expecting you not to live your life isn't a reasonable expectation.

It just means me and dc have to go without too as if I suggest taking the dc on my own on holiday for example, he will worry and become stressed anyway.

This is where it becomes unfair and resentment sinks in.

You and your child shouldn't have to miss out on fun and experiences just because he can't cope with them. And avoiding any stressful situations isn't dealing with his problem, it's hiding. He needs a trip to the GP first of all. Then if he doesn't want to join in, he needs to learn to let go .

Have you told him how you feel and how much this is affecting you and how you feel about him? He needs to know, then he actually has a chance to try and make things better.

If you can afford to go on week/s holiday or for a break for a couple of days, that is completely normal

Book the holiday & go without him

What else is he stopping you from doing ?

He sounds like he is using his illness to control you