Does an abuser ever change??

[Eve2008]

As the title says! I've been with someone for three years on and off! The first year he was violent, controlling and manipulating! That first year he promised he would never physically touch me again..... and now into the third year he hasn't.... but nothing else has changed really. Yes we might be good for a while but soon his cracks start to show and he stops helping me around the house or even contributing, we don't live together but he acts like it's his when he is here but then can't even bring a toothbrush and expects me to get one for him.... sounds petty I know but trust me when I say he's been financially hard up since I met him! I had five grand in the bank saved and now I'm debt with step change managing my outgoings because of him. You can't ever talk to him because whatever I say is wrong or he has a twist, or he storms off and leaves! Then I'll get loads of messages saying you shouldn't have done this and remember that time we broke up for 6 months and you dated that fella, well he's rich, I'm sorry I'm not rich and I'm not good enough for you! That sort of thing and then it's, I love you, you know this is just how we get, but I know we've got true love for each other ..... so let's move on..... I come to tonight. We've been back together now around 4 weeks, this was after a couple months not together again. Things have been ok, they always are. But then he stops picking up after himself, leaving cups around you know what I mean. Not arriving with dinner, or he's turned up after work and I've cooked dinner, this was last night and I thought we could watch a film and he falls asleep, which he always does so what's the point in him coming to time??? Tonight around 10pm I go into the bathroom and the toilet seat is broken, he denies all knowledge of this and not only that the bath is dirty from when he bathes last night and then this evening after I had a shower and then sprayed and cleaned up he got in after me and when I was trying to fix the toilet both the bath and shower are dirty, the sink is filthy, his clothes, sorry my shorts because he's stopped bringing spare clothes now and thinks he can just lounge in my comfy shorts well they are on the floor. I raise all this to him without shouting, having an adult conversation and he stormed off shouting oh do you know what..... he then said all that stuff how I must of had some text from a fella tonight and that's why I'm being moody and then he mumbles some other stuff and so because I can see where this is going to go I ask him to leave which he isn't happy about, he does slamming the door and not saying one word to me. He will be home in about an hour and I'm sure the rubbish messages will start blaming me then when he's cooled down it will be I'm sorry and let's move on............. so does it ever change?????

OP you have to get out of the relationship. You're right up there in the high risk category. You can't see it but people who know patterns of abuse and domestic homicide can.

No, it doesn't ever change and it only gets worse. He'll start physically assaulting you again and this time he may seriously harm or kill you.

He is still around, he doesn't listen even when I'm saying I don't want to be with him or go through this anymore. He just carries on as normal and every time I stop him and say hello.... stop brushing it under the carpet! He just says I'm not, I said I'm sorry and I just want us to be happy! 😴

The behaviour you describe is horrifying. He’s already nearly killed you on four occasions and the ongoing abusive behaviour is also devastating you even if it is not physical. Emotional and psychological violence is violence. Refusing to keep away when you finished it is abusive.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever involved the police in all this behaviour to you. You need to do so now. Even if you have in the past, you need to do it again. Tell them that he strangled you and left you in a bloody heap. He might not have done that for a few years but he has already shown he is capable of doing that and the physical difference between you means that you are going to be unable to defend yourself if he decides to hurt you again physically. And the next time you might not survive. You cannot take that chance no matter what promises he makes about his behaviour. This is incredibly serious.

Also – speak to the National Centre for domestic violence and ask them about obtaining a non-molestation order. They can advise you on the process and may also be able to put you in touch with a lawfirm which will help you prepare the papers free of charge. You actually can just prepare the papers yourself – you don’t need to involve a lawfirm – but it can just help to have that support on drafting the papers.

He never plans to listen to you- he doesn’t respect you .

Do actually want to be with him? Everyone on here can see how damaging it is but until you decide you have had enough nothing anyone says here will change anything.

Do look at the freedom program you will understand the many different ways he continues to abuse you

You have gone past the time for him to be listening to you. Block him, don’t let him in if he comes round, close him down. He doesn’t live with you or have the keys you say, so it should be easier not to engage with him.

I didn't respond straight away to his message this morning as I've just woken up and now he's questioning me on what I've been doing and asking if I've been up long!

I know everything you are all saying is so true and yes I have had the police involved before when he strangled me but he made me drop the charges.

OP in the name of all that's holy will you get some help? Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline which is 24 hrs: 0808 2000 247 or your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find here.

You're going to be splashed across the paper if you don't get support on this. No one wants to end up a statistic. You can also call 101 for advice from the police and 999 if he starts to get aggressive again.

Please value yourself OP.

It sounds as if you've just come on to rant and don't have any intention of ending things.

You need to get rid for good and raise your bar before you end up in intensive care.

Seriously.

“I know everything you are all saying is so true and yes I have had the police involved before when he strangled me but he made me drop the charges.”

Presumably you mean he terrorised you into dropping the charges. Because in fact it wasn’t his call - it was yours.

Of course you can’t deal with him alone – he is physically much larger than you and has shown great willingness to do you terrible physical harm. You even moved to get away from him.

It may not be too late to press charges, by the way, for the previous attacks. Even if you decide not to do that, please contact the police and tell them what is going on now. All of us posting can see you ending up as a statistic or a headline if you don’t get outside help to deal with this man.

Please involve the police and speak to the National Centre for domestic violence who will advise you on getting a non-molestation order.

Please ignore his declarations of love and sweet nothings. They do not outweigh the incredible danger this man presents to you.

You deserve much better than this. So does your son. This isn’t just about you – you are a mother and you need to get a grip of the situation because you will be letting him down appallingly if you do not. So if you can’t do this for yourself, please do it for your son.

You might find it helpful to read “women who love too much” by Robin Norwood.

I finally left him!

Good! keep him gone this time.

I think doing the Freedom Progamme - available online - will benefit you.

@Eve2008

I forgot to add that in that first year he strangled me four times! One pinning me to the bed with his full body weight on me! He's 6 ft 3 and 18 stone! I'm 5'2 and back then I was 10 stone! I've put three stone on since! A stone for every miserable year! Another time he just lifted me of the floor by my throat! A third he strangled me and then threw me into a wardrobe and the wardrobe collapsed on me and the fourth he strangled me again picking me up and throwing me against a brick wall! I lost consciousness and when I woke I managed to crawl to my phone and ring my mum. She found the front door wide open and me on the floor, covered in blood, lump on my head, passed out and glass everywhere!

Me and him don't have kids together, I do have a son with someone else who's older and spends a lot of time at his dads and fortunately he saw none of this but he picked up on me being upset and down.

As I said earlier he would message when he got home and he has. He is playing the victim saying he never accused me and he trusts me, I don't have to tell him what I'm doing on my phone, he just didn't like I was getting at him about the mess when he does everything to help and he does respect me....... I have not replied and he can't even see that I've read the message.

Women do stay with their partners because they're too scared to leave, but I think to even think of staying with a person after physical violence like this, you must be an incredibly damaged person with little or no boundries, a bad upbringing and little self-care. I don't think you even know what normal or healthy is anymore, and it's endangering your life. Contact Women's Aid and the police.

Yes, the escalate their abuse once you have managed to normalise their current abuse, and the cycle continues until you snap

Im relieved to hear you've ended things with him. Please dont let him talk you into going back. There are 3.5 billion men on this planet, you dont need this one.

Well done OP.

Well done, was there a particular final incident that meant enough was enough?

@WeMustDoBetter

Well done, was there a particular final incident that meant enough was enough?

Losing his temper, accusing me of cheating, sending me abusive voice notes telling me I was a screw up, he doesn't need me. Lots of other nasty things. Then he was sorry, he didn't mean it, he loves me and it won't happen again. So I said he's right, it definitely won't be happening again. I took my spare keys of him, packed up his things and threw him out

Good, I am glad you have taken that hard but vital step.
What have you done to ensure he is out of your life for good and can’t work his way back in?

It's great you've taken that step OP. Keep posting and come back here and read what youve posted about him if you feel yourself wavering. You deserve so much better than him.

Excellent. Have you got a support network in place in case you have a wobble? This next bit will be hard, especially if he decides that he doesn’t want it to be over. Have you got some strategies in place for how to deal with him? We could probably help...