Was he gaslighting me all along..?

[Teatwosugars88]

Broke up with my ex some time ago (don't want to give too much info on that), I've been getting counselling as he was abusive and been going over some of the things he said and if he was gaslighting me or if I took things the wrong way.

He would tell me that he had given me free rein to do what I wanted - when I challenged him about his words he told me I took it out of context and isn't what he meant.

He got agressive when we were discussing what our daughters surname would be, body blocked me and said that there was no way our dd would have a double barrel name - later he said that he was joking and that I even laughed with him, I don't think I did.

He would always say I was overreacting, that my feelings weren't normal, those sort of things. I guess looking back it all seems like a bit of a blur and I'm just trying to understand it all.

Bump

from your description.... I would call this coercive controlling behaviour OP... glad you are seeking help

There was definitely a lot of controlling and coercive behaviour. He would tell me he didn't want my mum or sisters being an influence on dd or I. Again when I brought this up i apparently took it in the wrong way and that I should know what he means.

OP have you posted before about this under a different name?

If your not apologies, it just sounds very familiar.

It’s really hard to look back after an abusive relationship. As you want definitive moments to where you can say ‘there! At that moment you were abusive’ and he would say - ‘ok I’m sorry my

But in most cases you will never ever get that.

What matters is you know that what went on wasn’t right. Trust your own instincts. Trust that you know he wasn’t being truthful ( or still isnt) Trust that you are better off with out him.

You don’t need strangers on the internet to give you labels. You just know he was and still is fucking with you.

You may never be able to look back with crystal clear clarity, it’s a bit like being drunk and having fuzzy memories the next day and waking up with physical injuries and not really knowing where they have come from.

Your self esteem, self worth, self belief is battered and in bits and you can’t figure out what happened. This is actually really common.

I’m glad your seeing some one professional and can talk this through with them

@Evelefteden yes I have, I last posted back in December. He left us alone for a while then has been dragging me through hell since April.

I think it is that sort of dissociation with it that leaves me feeling fuzzy and questioning it all. Sometimes I can just hear him saying I made my own prison, I suppose it's trusting myself and how he made me feel while treating me that way.

Teat you’ve got to be kind to yourself. You left. It doesn’t matter if you can’t officially say a specific moment was him abusing you.

You need to start putting yourself back together. When I seen a psychologist she told me look after the inner me. To treat the inner me as a lost friend and to guide her back, to hold her hand and to comfort her. I know it sounds weird but I think it worked a bit. I was able to forgive myself that I stayed so long as it didn’t matter now, I was looking after me now.

I also read shit loads of books on healing myself, did some volunteering and started working with children which gave me back my self worth. Are you working?

Don’t crumble now, this is the time to putting yourself back together. You have just started a wonderful new chapter free of this arsehole.

Well done for leaving OP.

You were very brave.

Great that you are getting counselling.

You are on the right side of this.

You will get there

Well done for leaving.

He tried to make you doubt your feelings etc. One way forward is to learn to feel and then trust your feelings again. You were/are not wrong.

Thank you @Interestedwoman @Evelefteden @billy1966, but hardly brave, it was only when he started on our dd that I thought what on Earth am I doing setting this as an example to dd for what a relationship should be.

And the counselling is helping to a degree but also sometimes brings up feelings of guilt for me. But I do need to be kinder to myself, I wrote down a lot of what had happened at the time so perhaps I need to go back and read those.

I quote therapy as it actually made me worse

You will be ok. Work hard on healing yourself

@Evelefteden the therapy does seem to be making it worse but I heard that's to be expected. I also experienced sexual abuse in my childhood and that brings up a lot too as ex was sexually abusive.

I definitely go through stages with it all though, like today found out ex has been lying to cafcass officer and even though I know he is a liar and manipulator it's almost like I forget until he does something else. This is a man who moved me far from my family at 36 weeks pregnant while he and his parents told me I must be seen out in public and go to certain places. Would even then question me and say so and so hasn't seen you or heard of you.