This is what I do in relationships... what books would help me understand this please?

[Cookiedohe]

I want to find the right self help book (and probably counsellor) to try and deal with my issues. I’m not sure if they have come from childhood (I don’t have brilliant memories as a child although I was from a privileged family, I was very lost).

Any insight would be so great.

I feel like I have to be perfect for a man to love me
I feel like I can’t rely on anyone at all, but at the same time I crave a partnership
I test people to see if they will leave me
I always anticipate that things will end
I will always always compromise for someone I fall for, almost putting my own life and goals to the back of the agenda so they can be happy
I worry someone will go off me
I worry about security and want reassurance all the time but also like to play it cool so I don’t put pressure on someone (this leaves me suffering in silence a lot)

I don’t find it difficult to find men to date but I never find the right sort. The ones I end up with are self involved/self importance, usually arrogant and see me as candy to their arm, they will like that I have a good job and be proud of me but always feel they are better and ultimately are never there for me if I suddenly need them or the going got tough.

I’m going wrong somewhere. What books would help?

Maybe explain all this to a therapist it could be all based around anxiety and some cbt may help.

I would see if you can ask for some sort of MH or neurodiversity assessment. I'm not a psychologist but I have ASD and have a lot of friends with various neurodiverse and MH issues.

From what you describe I know people on the autistic spectrum with some of those traits (especially can't rely on anybody / put yourself last and them on a pedestal), people with ADHD with some of those traits (particularly the ones about rejection sensitivity, which is worth a google if you haven't heard of it), and people with BPD with some of those traits (particularly pushing people away to test them).

Women with ASD and ADHD present very differently to men and if you are seeking an assessment for that (even it rule it out) you need someone with expertise in women on the spectrum.

Read 'the rules'

Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD (from surviving to thriving)?

I'd also observe that therapy is very much about the relationship with the therapist and what you can learn from building and experiencing a relationship in a boundaried way with a safe person.

In the context of your difficulties and the background to them that could be very valuable to you. It might give you an experience of a safe, stable relationship to carry with you in future as an anchor (that's what should happen for a child but it seems didn't for you).

You would need a therapist (clinical psychologist perhaps) with expertise in complex/childhood trauma and who could undertake the right kind of therapy with you rather than someone who was just there to deliver 6 sessions of CBT worksheets and homework or a counsellor who'd just be a listening ear without the depth of training and skills you need.

"Attached" by Amir Levine

Assessment by clinical psychologist could help you plan how to approach things. I wouldn't pursue assessment by psychiatrist personally as it is a medical model, poorly informed on trauma and unless you want to be medicated won't achieve much towards your goals. I think clin psy is the discipline with the expertise you need.

To me it sounds like complex PTSD (if we're trying to label - which can be helpful in terms of understanding ourselves and what best stands a chance of helping us), but I can see why pp made observations about other things as there is overlap. Psych "disorders" are imprecise, ever changing and subject to cultural norms/biases (not the same as receiving a diagnosis of diabetes or anaemia). Lots of the current labels actually go back to trauma and are arguably misapplied.

Given the context of your childhood, CPTSD makes most sense (and BPD is contentious - some countries don't even consider it a legitimate diagnosis).

But I'm not a psychologist, just someone who's had to spend too much time learning about trauma and the workings of and limitations of psychiatry.

Self worth issues? This is different to self esteem, which might sound surprising. I don't know of any books but there are online resources available.

Bridget Jones's Diary

Please, please, please read this link www.schematherapy-nola.com/what-is-schema-therapy

And then find a schema therapIst! I cannot underestimate how much this has helped me realise why I behaveD the way I did in relationships and how not to take the same crap or make the same mistakes again!

Chidera Eggerue and florence given both have good books on being alone, female empowerment. Both are packed with issues like codependancy, changing yourself for others and many more.

Empowerment is the best form of self help. Id definetely go for those two over any other book. Other self help book arent geared towards women that struggle with low self esteem and relationship issues, they are general for men and women.these two are geared for women that have issues with picking shit men and need to focus on themselves. They will raise your standard very high.

Also cmht can help with self esteem... but honestly its down to you to do the work, they give resources and u work on it urself. Those books i listed in my oppinion of dealing with trauma have been best. I also read why does he do that and mans work. They both helped me understand shitty men and why i was attracted to them.