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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is she being controlled?

21 replies

heartache590 · 19/07/2020 19:24

Just trying to guage next steps on this.
History is broke up with ex partner just before lockdown. She lost one her parents at the start of the year, we had financial issues in 2019, and it was a lack of mutual support. No infidelity, just arguing a lot. I think the death of 1 of her parents finished us off as a couple (too much for us to overcome)

She left quite sudden after a weekend away with a female friend, left the kids with me, then came back and took the kids with her and moved to her mums.

Fast forward, after her initially claiming she had been "advised" to deny all contact by "authorities/solicitor" - it became apparent no authorities were involved. No solicitor has ever surfaced to make themselves known.

Instead, her sister/BIL have made it clear they believe I should not see my kids, and my ex should move back into the family home, away from my ex's mum. They have said if I move out permanently and pay for the mortgage/rent until the children are 18, I MIGHT get to see them!
Conveniently, my ex's mum used to be sister/BILs source of childcare.

As I refused, wanting to have some form of guarantee on seeing the kids regularly before moving out, I've since been threatened by them that if I don't comply, I will find out the hard way.

After a month, my ex and me reached an agreement to do calls every other day. I still want visitation, and beyond saying "No" - we haven't yet got to the crux of why/when I attribute more to her all over the place grieving a parent, as she refuses to engage with any professional (medical, mediator etc), but that's a separate matter!

This month, after her sister/BIL tried again to get me to do their agreement, including getting my ex to do a 1 page parenting plan with their idea on it, threatening to physically harm me, making threats they would 'tell the kids how selfish I am so they don't have a relationship with you'. My ex at the same time was offering to let me phone my DD even though she was tired, grumpy and feeling yucky, even phoning and trying to encourage her?
Suddenly the next day after she saw her sister, my ex u-turned and ceased all contact citing the 'authorities/solicitor' argument again... Again, authorities have confirmed no involvement...

Sorry for the wall of text, but my Qs are:

  • Could my ex be possibly being controlled by her sister/BIL to enforce their outcome as the "authority"? Is she being emotionally abused by them potentially?
  • My DS is supposedly distraught, as we've spent 3 months building a minecraft world over the phone and now he can't access it as they blocked it, surely my ex is allowing her sister/BIL to harm the kids psychologically as they've threatened to do so?!
OP posts:
missrks · 19/07/2020 19:27

Sounds odd!

Get a lawyer.

backseatcookers · 19/07/2020 19:30

There's lots to unravel here. Firstly, have you not seen the kids in person for the whole month since she left?

frillydress · 19/07/2020 19:32

It's none of their business to give advice on how you and exP should co-parent, I do feel like exP is being brainwashed. I feel they are also probably threatening exP too if she doesn't comply with them.
What reasons do they say the "authorities" state that it isn't advisable for you to contact or see your DC?
Would you go to authorities yourself and ask to see children as exP is withholding you from doing so?

frillydress · 19/07/2020 19:32

It's none of their business to give advice on how you and exP should co-parent, I do feel like exP is being brainwashed. I feel they are also probably threatening exP too if she doesn't comply with them.
What reasons do they say the "authorities" state that it isn't advisable for you to contact or see your DC?
Would you go to authorities yourself and ask to see children as exP is withholding you from doing so?

frillydress · 19/07/2020 19:32

Ooooops double posted sorry

JollyAndBright · 19/07/2020 19:33

Why have you not taken her to court for access/shared residency of the children?

Why are you engaging in this back and forth nonsense and accepting only phone contact when you are allowed it?

Is the house jointly owed?

heartache590 · 19/07/2020 19:34

I have a solicitor, but she's said it's not for us to prove whether she's being emotionally abused by her own family... Even though it's impacting on everything!!
Instead, we are having to treat it as my ex is responsible for it all (including the threats to psychologically harm the kids...!)

It's like punishing the puppet for doing what the puppeteer told it to do!!

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 19/07/2020 19:41

Wait so has your solicitor been tackling her refusal for you to see the kids? Isn't that what parental alienation is?

You seem more focused on whether or not she's being controlled by her family than you are on seeing your children?

Sorry if I've read that wrong as it's all quite complicated.

RandomMess · 19/07/2020 19:45

I would focus on mediation/going to court to sort out contact with the DC they are your priority. Very Sad that her family seem to be intent on causing damage to her and the DC by telling her untruths about the situation.

heartache590 · 19/07/2020 19:47

@backseatcookers - she left in March, saw them for 1hr in June (fathers day), 1hr in July (my birthday). Phone contact was arranged between us in April.

@JollyAndBright - we are going to court on that, but her sister/BIL has escalated since beginning of July with the phone contact ending in July (last week)

@frillydress - no reason given by ex. They won't give any reasons for their view other than "stop being a bully" and "Shut up!!!" I think they are narcs personally.
Authorities said they have no reason, and haven't advised her to withhold contact. They have just said it's a civil matter for both of us, which is fair.

OP posts:
Dery · 19/07/2020 19:51

Surely the point is whether or not there are grounds for saying that you shouldn’t be allowed to see your children. That’s a very shocking position for them to take. I assume your BIL and SIL think they need to protect your ex from you. As strangers on the Internet, we aren’t in any position to comment on whether that is the case. I’m a dispute resolution lawyer (commercial, not family) and agree with your solicitor that the court won’t be interested in speculating on whether or not your BIL and SIL are controlling your ex: if your ex is making these allegations in the court proceedings, then they will be regarded as coming from her.

Interestedwoman · 19/07/2020 19:54

Authorities said they have no reason, and haven't advised her to withhold contact. They have just said it's a civil matter for both of us, which is fair.

Are your ex and her family claiming you were abusive in some way, and that's why you shouldn't see your kids?

heartache590 · 19/07/2020 19:56

The court is the method to sorting the kids. I have sort of accepted that, even though I want to get them from school, phone etc - XP has switched into suggesting even texting her once is "harrassment" as she said not to contact her or kids.

I don't particularly want to be hit with a non-molestation order when, tbh, I probably still love XP - which is probably why I'm so bothered about solicitors suggesting I have to accuse HER of being abusive when it isn't normally in her nature!!

OP posts:
heartache590 · 19/07/2020 20:01

I think the issue is the absence of allegations. Nothing has been logged anywhere (mainly as there was no abuse...).

@Dery - wouldn't you, as a professional, seek to resolve the matter outside of court though? I've had literally nothing from her supposed "solicitor"

OP posts:
Mydogisthebestest · 19/07/2020 20:02

You need to go through the legal process - mediation, court and push for contact that way.

Get the ball rolling and good luck.

Dery · 19/07/2020 20:26

Hi OP - you can only resolve it outside court if there is willingness on both sides. This situation sounds chaotic and at least a court order should create some certainty.

Shizzlestix · 19/07/2020 23:20

I think you should, without delay, go to court to resolve this. I think courts are closed til August, but you need to get moving on this using legal methods, your ex clearly isn’t willing to organise contact by herself.

Dery · 20/07/2020 12:10

Unless I've missed something, I don't see why you have to accuse your X of being abusive. You just need to tell the court about the position which she is taking in relation to access to your DCs and respond to any allegations which she makes about your behaviour.

heartache590 · 20/07/2020 21:30

I had a call with CAFCASS today, and she had made a report of sexual abuse 3 months ago against me!!! Shock

My solicitor has said we are now in a situation where it's clear she's dug a hole she can't get out of early on, as since that date she's been to this house alone with me, allowed kids with me for 1hr, calls etc...
We've also had no safeguarding raised since that date either, confirmed by authorities again today, so waiting on CAFCASS to speak to her.

Phoned police, and waiting to hear back from the officer in charge. We think it's been a malicious allegation without evidence (not unexpected when it hasn't happened!!!!) which the police saw through, and have just kept it open in case it had substance.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/07/2020 21:42

Well that is one mess that needs sorting out... explains her family's behaviour.

Is it an allegation of abuse towards her or the DC?

heartache590 · 20/07/2020 22:14

I would assume it is to her, but yes, it explains the behaviour, although their controlling behaviour pre-dates us splitting up. Still a bit in shock tbh that she's even suggested it.

OP posts:
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