Wtf? Is this just opposing communication styles?

[GofourthAndConker]

Met a guy online last year. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, he was coming to terms with not having more children (he is 50’s) so didn’t want anything serious either. Guess he was still hoping for the 30 something, ready for children, woman to come along.

We saw each other exclusively for nine months and then out of the blue he ghosted me. I was away with family and I was really hurt. I thought we cared about each other even if we weren’t looking at long term. I would have been happy with a goodbye and good luck text. I wasn’t expecting a lot.

I started seeing someone else but that fizzled out after a few months.

Then ex comes back, he has come to terms with not having another family and believes he can be happy with me and if I give him chance and spend time with him, he will show me that he can make me happy too.

At first he was lovely, understanding when I was struggling with depression, supportive and kind.
But now it seems that he has reeled me in, he has pulled back. He says he has barriers and I have to give him time to break them down.
He gives me nothing of himself emotionally. No affection, although he loves to receive it constantly.
He has rules on what I can and can’t say by text, nothing remotely negative allowed. But talking about anything face to face can also be hard. He is usually stoned and I find his communication style more aggressive than assertive but I admit that I could be over sensitive due to past DV. I am not scared of him, I just hate conflict.

Last night I said that I don’t have time to waste so I can’t keep waiting around for him to decide to be emotionally available. I do understand that he has things to work out but it always seems to involve me hanging on, waiting for him to come to terms with something. He was too tired to talk. Fair enough, I rolled over and went to sleep. Everything was fine. Got up this morning and straight away he started shouting at me for being horrible last night. Wtf? I just left.

I’m not the easiest person, I guess I’m pretty emotionally unavailable myself but I’m working hard to be better. I need to talk things through, check in and know that we are on the same page from time to time. He wanted us to just go with the flow until he was ready to drop his barriers.

Is there a way two people with opposing communication styles can make things work if they want it enough?

Sorry for long post!

He doesn't sound like a catch if I'm honest OP, also if you both didn't want anything serious, why is this a problem for you, if it was me I would walk away, life is too short for this crap.

No, this isn't different communication styles. This is someone who is playing games with your mind.

it always seems to involve me hanging on, waiting for him to come to terms with something

He gives me nothing of himself emotionally. No affection, although he loves to receive it constantly

Rules on what you can/can't say.
Ghosts you after 9 months.
Usually stoned.
Aggressive rather than assertive.

OP this man is no good. He is already playing cat & mouse with you. I noticed you have experienced DV before. This man is exploiting your vulnerability.

Dump and run, fast....

Good luck.

I think you've answered your own question here. Just read it back to yourself. I dont think you are a good match. You both want different things.

You lost me at stoned.
He's in his 50s?
Surely there's a better man out there.
This is isn't a communication style difference, this is him training you to accept his shit behaviour

I’d leave him to get on with it, personally. He seems very ready to blame you for his behaviour. If his communication style is to shout at you, I’d say he’s incompatible with self respect really.

I'm not sure it's anything to do with differing ways of communication... seems it's more that he's a controlling, disrespectful waste of your time.

Please end this relationship.

This isn’t about communication styles. This is an arsehole, a wanker, a knob head, a man incapable of behaving decently or authentically. Being alone could not be worse than this and you will meet someone better eventually. You sound lovely but honestly you deserve so much more.

You lost me at stoned pain issues 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thank you everyone. Yo all make a lot of sense.

Reading the post back I was doing a lot of eye rolling at myself I must admit. He can be so lovely though. I know, I know I really do know. I have read all the self help books. I have made huge progress since my long term DV relationship. I obviously still have a way to go.

This is another wrong un, sorry OP. You need to dump him and do a bit more work on your boundaries before you date again. Never take back someone who ghosts you/treats you badly first time round.

And a mid-50s stoner who is aggressive and emotionally unavailable?

You can better.

so sorry to hear of your past DV experiences.

I think you would benefit from doing some more work on your boundaries. I know you say you feel emotionally unavailable but I would suggest that once you lay out to yourself what is and isn't acceptable, you will actually be able to open up more.

What jumps out at me here is the control. Telling me what I can and can't say in any format would be a sacking offence.

I don't think it's about you having different communication styles, i think he's a self indulgent time waster.