In law trouble...

[Rhubarbginginger]

We are planning our wedding for next year and the problems have begun with in laws. They are helping us with a small part of the wedding costs which we are of course grateful for. It seems as though this has unfortunately come with terms and conditions regarding friends they would like at the wedding day. To be fair to both parents, we have agreed that they can choose four friends (two couples) to come to the wedding. I feel we are being more than accommodating with that.

Recently I have felt very underhanded by my MIL however. She keeps trying to get my fiancé on his own to ask him about friends and family that are coming and pushing him on things that she wants. Hats off, he put her in her place and said "Why are you just asking me? You know it's not just my wedding so make sure ...(me)... is included in these conversations". She responded by laughing and saying oops and that was that on that occasion.

This week, we have a group message with my fiancé and both his parents, however she text him individually asking if another couple could be invited in they day and they would pay extra for them. Again my fiancé responded saying he won't be responding if she keeps asking only him and to either send the message to both of as, as she would usually do, or he won't reply. She did eventually (I had the reworded version of course). We have stuck to our guns and said it's up to them who they choose but it will be four people to my fair to parents on both sides and we are limited to 100 people and really want to make sure all of our closest friends a

.... are able to join us. She responded again asking why they couldn't come. We reiterated and she replied "ok." And hasn't spoken to us since.

We are thinking if the issues continue of not having any financial help towards the wedding. We feel like we've been as fair as possible in the circumstances. What is bothering me the most is feeling like I am being shunned and underhanded in this when it is my wedding too. It really is such a shame.

Any advice on how to combat this?

They only advice you need is to decline any financial helping from them for the wedding. They are already using it to lord over you, and it will only get worse. Take away their power, it's the only way.

@Aquamarine1029 this was our thought too, worried about the reaction to us declining the financial help. I imagine it would be world war 3! But I do agree taking the power back will help.

They will expect they've bought more invitations than you think they've got right to. It's a minefield. Even if you told us overall cost/ cost per head/ number of guests etc folk still couldn't tell you how many guest invites the parents should get. You and DF need to stay united whatever you decide. Agree you should scale down and hand back the money if you can. I wish I'd done that on reflection. I had the same problem you have.

Your fiance's mother is not respecting either of you here by wanting to push at and otherwise ignore set boundaries and both of you will need to continue to present a united front. She won't listen to you ever and she dislikes you a lot (that is not your fault but she probably thinks that no-one is actually good enough for her darling boy) but she will listen to her son. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either.

This is who she really is and you will also continue to have problems with her going forward after your wedding too. Fortunately for you your fiance has good boundaries and is being assertive with her immediately rather than beating around the bush, being a wimp or even worse hanging you out to dry. He has after all grown up with his mother and knows all too well what she is like.

Its your day after all and you invite who you want. You have been reasonable to date with both sets of parents but you cannot reason with someone like his mother who is and wants to remain unreasonable. She will likely kick off over some other aspect of your wedding soon as well (she could end up crying profusely on the day, show herself up and and make your day more about her instead).

I would also be looking to return their share of the wedding costs asap as that will be used by the likes of his mother to further obligate and actually control you with.

What is his dad like here; you do not mention him very much.

I hope that you will be able to have this number of guests at your wedding next year. We do live in uncertain times currently.

Thanks both. They were going to give us money in the new year, that gives plenty of time for us to politely say thank you very much but no thanks.

It is a rather expensive wedding and we really just want the people we want there. We were willing to be flexible for four friends each, my parents haven't asked for any to be fair, and it doesn't seem like that's good enough so doesn't leave us with much option.

Only way to take back the power.

Yes he's been great I have to say, that's taken a lot of work over the passed 8 years. He used to be too scared to say anything but he's getting so much better, I was so happy he did that too and stuck by me. Team work makes the dream work.

I'm hoping that she eventually stops trying to cut me out of the loop in time the more he discourages the behaviour

She has got her own private based war going on already against you.

Presenting a united front to such people is extremely important; both of you have to be on the same page.

Giving their share of the money back would be an excellent idea because money can be used by people like his mother to try and control others. Emotionally healthy people do not act like his mother has done here; others would have accepted a four person limit.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

You do not and should not ever feel obligated to someone like his mother; give an inch as you have done quite reasonably and she will (and indeed has) tried to take a mile. She will continue to do so given any opportunity.

@AttilaTheMeerkat is right. My ex mil was the same. Be realistic about who she is and realise you cannot please her. So why try? Your df and you sound like a good team.

That is exactly the sort of thing my in laws would do 🙄

I dont understand the whole inviting-parents-friends thing. They're not your friends so why invite them?

It is just mental in law showing off as usual.

Appreciate the great advice so far all, and good to know people agree that our thinking was along the right lines.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I feel like you know her 😂 FIL is lovely, he tries to be firm with her but maybe not often enough or strong enough when she is being out of order. On this occasion, she has overpowered him. The extra friends they've asked for are his friends (the other four they previously selected were her friends). We have just stuck to "Each of our parents are able to bring four friends/two couples if they wish too and it's up to you who you choose". This is MIL, it's her way or no way.

She really thinks it's her right to have friends there. I agree with PP that said that it is just showing off, it is absolutely. She wants to parade her friends around saying 'this is MY sons wedding' look how much we've spent. It is costing us a lot but we are lucky that it is well within our means and my parents are helping too (without any terms and conditions).

I'm not being ungrateful in the slightest but the ratio of her financial help:bragging would be unbalanced, as you can imagine. We are definitely going to say that we don't need the help but thank them politely, thanks all for the reassurance on that.

Is there anything else I can do to prevent her underhanding me or continue as we are?

My MIL is not in any way shape or form an emotionally healthy person. She loves making a drama, being the centre of attention and making things all about her. Her late H was not much better either.

I think the two of you going forward need to see both her H and she as little as possible. Would also suggest you both maintain firm and consistently applied boundaries. Do not accept any financial help from them, gifts should come with ribbons and not strings.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat