I am going to just pour this out and see if it is even possible that anyone can help.
My DH has a chronic condition that causes ED. We have not had sex in many years. It is been quietly accepted that is our life. We are nice to each other and never, ever discuss it.
To my knowledge he has never cheated (but read on) and I have not. He is in pretty good shape. A mutual friend thought he was 5 years younger recently. I am getting older (50) and I have let myself go. I am gym fit, but overweight (this may soon change, read on). I look Ok; nicely dressed/groomed. But I appreciate under my clothes it's all gone sideways.
We are professionals and affluent. DH is in a job that pulls in a LOT. Our lifestyle is actually quite modest but the presence of money comforts me (he knows this, it dates from an crazy childhood) and I understand that it defines my self-worth in the absence of affection.
Lockdown has been hard. As a person that thrives on company and a job that demands it, with none of the activities, sport, holidays etc that he enjoys his MH has taken a hit. I thought my own MH was good enough to handle LD. Turns out that's wrong and I've become more and more inverted and am finding re-starting our social life very challenging. I get some relief in that my job is outside the home, at work you would not recognise I am struggling. That said, I thought we were OK and that as an established team we'd get through.
Here comes the trouble. On Monday night a load of photos of his dick came up on my photo roll. Challenged, he claimed he was trying to see if he could get himself aroused as it's been years since we had sex and he wanted to see if he could. I didn't believe him, giant stressy row and really not much digging led to the discovery of cam girl sites and hangouts. Images have been shared. Money has been spent. The things he's written are playing on a loop in my head like some sort of hideous fucking porn movie with my husbands voice.
He has always looked after our bank accounts. He told me that there was a certain amount half of which was earmarked. After a truly massive scene he coughed up the account numbers and passwords. There is only half as much as he has told me is there for the past five years.
I've changed the password and taken his credit cards and personal phone and iPad. I know there are ways around not having all these but I needed to drag some control back. He won't dare use work tech or our desktop (kids). I have screenshots which I will send his mother if I have to. I probably wouldn't, but the threat is present and understood.
He said he would leave but I've said no. Kids would be devastated. I'm not ready to let him out of my sight and what small control I have. I understand this is ridiculous. I do, but I'm clinging to this by my fingernails like I'm falling off a cliff.
The atmosphere in the house is quiet. Kids know there is a crisis, but all very civil.
My head is screaming 6 days in. Only one person outside knows. I have been totally normal except for a couple of late mornings. In every conversation I have, all day long, I'm screaming in my head that my husband hates me. I have to see my parents today with the screaming. I have at least 3 events planned with friends where I cannot tell anyone what's happening and still the screaming goes on. I have a physical pain in my chest and I cannot keep food down.
And the worst thing, the worst of all is I would change it all back in a heartbeat. But if we talk I know in my heart he's decided on out and I think hearing that might just be the final blow.
I don't know what I want from this post. I don't need a handhold. I don't need anyone to eew the camgirl bit, I already threw up in front of him while I was reading the stuff on hangouts. I feel like my nails are starting to tear off and I'm going to go over the cliff aren't I? Can we recover this? Where the fuck would we even start?