Is he abusive or am I overreacting?

[ohso11]

Hi. I'm new here and need some help.
We're not married and have no kids and we don't live together, but we are together for almost 20 years. So I'm here for some mature advice.

Problem with me is that I am having mental and other health issues. It's complicated and I will probably deal with it for the rest of my life. It's hard for me to get a job. I don't even have friends and no family at all. I spend my time with my hobbies. My bf is somewhat like me, but more functional and stronger. He has social support and a job.

He is my only friend for 20 years. He's always been with me and for me when times got rough and I appreciate it. I would be very lost, sad, scared and lonely without him.

Issue is that he is very easily annoyed by me and gets mad at me for silly little things. I find that very hard even on my poor health.
We talked about this and he says he can't control it and is always sorry but he repeats it again. He has low emotional intelligence and doesn't want therapy.

We deal with this in a way that we do less and less things together. We don't go on vacations and trips together anymore, we see each other only once in every two weeks, and when we do we don't do anything except watch television. I even stopped talking to him as I don't feel understood at all and I avoid him getting mad if I say something that sets him off. We rarely have sex as I can't find him attractive when he doesn't respect me.

I feel like I wasted my life in every way and I'm not interested in dating other man at all.

Do you think this is real abuse or we just have issues and we can make it work somehow?

He is abusive towards you and I would also think he has made your underlying mental health issues over the years far worse, in fact he could well be the cause of same. You are lost sad and lonely with him.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you with this person?. He uses you as his emotional punchbag.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He is abusive towards you and I would also think he has made your underlying mental health issues over the years far worse, in fact he could well be the cause of same. You are lost sad and lonely with him.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you with this person?. He uses you as his emotional punchbag.

Thank you. I am aware of that. I am considering breakup and we did that many times before, for quite a long time we were not together. But we got back together because my life on my own hasn't started at all. I was completely on my own. Everything just got worse without him. He wanted to help me and then everything got bad again like always.

I've even been with few guys while we were apart, but they didn't treat me well. Same thing happened on my job. I'm aware I'm not a catch for any man as I have not much to offer and I only need lots of support and help. That's why I keep my distance from people in general.

I guess if I had family or a friend I could get out. I could even now, but I wouldn't be able to take care of myself on my own.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up

What sort of a parental example were you shown?.

Why do you not think you are a catch for a man with not much to offer, what happened here to start all that off?. I would think this all started in childhood.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up

What sort of a parental example were you shown?.

Why do you not think you are a catch for a man with not much to offer, what happened here to start all that off?. I would think this all started in childhood.

Thanks. I know that. I read a lot. I am educated. I am aware where all my problems come from. I've been in therapy for years.

Aside from that, I have a fear of life. Being sick all the time is hard. I find it impossible to cope all by myself. I really need someone's help. I can't afford it. I stay because I have no choice. He helps me a lot and I love that part of him. But not the abuse.

What guy would want to be with a person like me? Normal guys like healthy, pretty and independent woman who can earn money. I attract only losers who take advantage of me.

Besides I really don't want to be dependent on a man. I'd like to be on my own, but I can't. I need someone to take me to the hospital and so on.

Why can’t you take care of yourself? In what way OP?

I think maybe if you start making a concerted effort to build a support network for yourself, you will be in a better place to end things with him. You barely have a relationship anyway.

With your illness/condition, are you entitled to any help from carers? Are there any charities for the condition who might have support services you could access?

Could you access counselling through your GP or be signposted to support groups?

Is the UK your home country (if not, are there any communities of your nationality around you might engage with?)

Are there any local groups around that do your hobby? You could look on MeetUp for example for people in your area with similar interests.

I don't think men are the answer, especially when you're feeling so down about yourself and are vulnerable - it just attracts sharks.

I’m not sure it’s abuse, it sounds like two people who have their own respective emotional problems and struggle in a relationship.

What kind of things does he get angry about?

@Wolfiefan

Why can’t you take care of yourself? In what way OP?

I have many chronic health issues. It costs me a lot. Sometimes I need a ride, or help with food, or support and a visit from someone when I'm all alone and scared in a hospital. It's incredibly hard for me to do all that completely alone. I just can't. I can't lean on anyone.

Issue is that he is very easily annoyed by me and gets mad at me for silly little things. I find that very hard even on my poor health. We talked about this and he says he can't control it and is always sorry but he repeats it again. He has low emotional intelligence and doesn't want therapy.

And this man is taking advantage of you, he likes keeping you feeling both helpless and dependent because that gives him power and control over you. He is yet another man who has taken advantage of a vulnerable adult. He is truly a lowlife to have done that. You’ve basically been conditioned into thinking you cannot manage on your own.

Where do you see yourself in a years time, still dependent and grateful for the crumbs he tosses your way?.

Are you in the UK?. You do not need him to take you to hospital, there are other means of getting there.

None of that sounds like things that are impossible for you to do yourself. And you can’t stay in an awful relationship so you can have a lift somewhere.
I have chronic health issues. I pay for medication monthly to avoid the extra costs. I batch cook for when I can’t manage to cook. I have to drive myself. Or I would need to rely on hospital transport.

Sometimes I need a ride, or help with food, or support and a visit from someone when I'm all alone and scared in a hospital. It's incredibly hard for me to do all that completely alone. I just can't. I can't lean on anyone.

You could get in touch with the Royal Voluntary Service www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/hospital-support for much of the support you need.

@category12

I think maybe if you start making a concerted effort to build a support network for yourself, you will be in a better place to end things with him. You barely have a relationship anyway.

With your illness/condition, are you entitled to any help from carers? Are there any charities for the condition who might have support services you could access?

Could you access counselling through your GP or be signposted to support groups?

Is the UK your home country (if not, are there any communities of your nationality around you might engage with?)

Are there any local groups around that do your hobby? You could look on MeetUp for example for people in your area with similar interests.

I don't think men are the answer, especially when you're feeling so down about yourself and are vulnerable - it just attracts sharks.

Thanks. I do some of it, but i't not enough or it just doesn't work. I also don't fit many categories for such help.

I've tried finding friends for 20 years. Trust me. I'm exhausted. We connect superficially and I can't ask from acquaintances for such personal help. Also lot of friendships drain me as they start to take advantage of my empathy and my health just gets worse. Or friends expect too much from me. I can't keep up with them going places, spending money I don't have. Also I can't hang out a lot because of my issues. So I end up being rejected eventually.
I go to group therapy but I didn't make friends there. We just don't fit somehow. They have even worse problems than me. But I do try. I really try.

Missed off my comment!

Yes that is abusive. Designed to make you think you cannot manage without him.

Op, you need to speak to your gp and explain your needs. You cannot do these things so you need help from somewhere.

Can you not get a bus to the hospital or a taxi?

Have your shopping delivered. Or look for an affordable meals on wheels. Loads of them about now! Theyve really exploded locally to me die to c-19.

@category12

Sometimes I need a ride, or help with food, or support and a visit from someone when I'm all alone and scared in a hospital. It's incredibly hard for me to do all that completely alone. I just can't. I can't lean on anyone.

You could get in touch with the Royal Voluntary Service www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/hospital-support for much of the support you need.

Thanks but I'm not from the UK. We don't have many fancy options here. I use what I can.

You don’t immediately become close friends with someone. And you need to ask for help from other people. Hospital transport or volunteer etc.
Don’t let people take advantage.
Can’t hang out a lot? If you don’t spend time with people then they will remain acquaintances.
It seems harsh but ultimately you have to find the solution to your own problems. Not rely on others.

You seem to have a pattern of relationships that drain you - friends or lovers. If possible, therapy could help you break out of the pattern. Some good self-help books around creating good boundaries might help as an alternative. You could potentially do the Freedom Programme online as you seem to be in an abusive relationship.

You aren't really being clear about what's wrong with you? I'm a bit confused? Why do you go into hospital regularly? If you are that chronically unwell then you need to look into help from outside agencies not just from men, you can't stay with someone because you need a lift to the hospital or to do your shopping. I'm guessing you aren't elderly so you have many years ahead of you, you need to make some kind of independent life.