Should I stay or should I go?

[Skibideebapbapbap]

Hi I could do with some clarity and advice from you lovely lot because I am feeling really conflicted at the moment.
Basically I've been unhappy for some time in my relationship, no abuse but definitely a lot of man child behaviour, sulking and just generally not getting on as we should. So this week we had a huge row and I decided enough was enough and I was leaving, I put a £200 holding deposit down on a flat and all the checks are going through. Well, now my partner has had what seems to be a real shock and is basically begging me to stay, he's promising all sorts of things including a real commitment to therapy together to help us sort out our communication issues, he's already in therapy himself so he will continue to engage with that, he's promised all sorts of things and said to me he believes we can fix things with hard work and therapy.
It is very tempting because I know most of our sissies boil down to communication but I feel so conflicted as I've made the step to leaving which initially felt good until he started trying to change my mind.
I need to make a decision today because I will be getting keys early next week and my partner has to sign a new rental lease on our house tomorrow . My friends and family Are supportive but they mostly just echo what I say and that changes from hour to hour at the moment. What should I do?! Help!?

Go.

It's easy to promise the earth. Delivering it? Not so much.

And you say no abuse, yet describe a pattern of manipulation, coercion and control. Which is abuse.

Reading through your post I was able to predict everything he's promised you. It's manipulative and empty.

I think you will live to regret it if you stay.

Your not happy.

I really recommend reading Too good to leave too bad to stay I think you will know either way after reading it.

Was a light bulb moment for me.

Check out the book "too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum, it offers a series of fundamental questions for you to decide if this relationship is worth another go or to just leave. Its an excellent book with really sound advice.

Oh LOL just saw post above!

Bearing in mind also that leaving/ending a relationship even when you know it's the right thing is still difficult and emotional.

Humans are change averse. Change is uncertain, unfamiliar and takes time to adjust to. Whereas keeping everything the same is the path of least resistance, even when staying the same means staying in a crappy situation.

You probably would have had moments of self doubt and wobbles about leaving becoming real anyway. It will pass.

Focus on the reasons you made the decision originally and the future you need for yourself.

If he genuinely wants to change he needs to do that on his own account for his own benefit, not as a tool to get you to stay.

Make a new life for yourself without this man in it. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He has not changed.

Abuse is not just physical in nature and you have indeed described a pattern of control and coercion from him. His sulking behaviour shown to you as well is a an example of emotional abuse.

Please read the book recommended and enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme by Women’s Aid.

Thank you everyone. I will check out that book as a matter of urgency!

Its available on kindle so if youre pressed for time you could read it by end of today!

Abuse too is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. This man wants absolute here over you.

Go, just because he's promising the earth now, doesn't mean he'll be capable of (or even really want to) change.

Tell him you need to have your own space and time for thinking whether or not the break up is permanent. If he can't give you this, then RUN.

@Russellbrandshair

Oh LOL just saw post above!

Such a good book! I wish I’d read it years ago.

Go. Move and give yourself the life you want.

If he's determined to change he can do it without you living in the same house. See if he carries through with pursuing counselling and showing consistent changes in his behaviour.

Because he won't. They rarely do. If you stay you will have wasted more months and be faced again with leaving.

Such a good book! I wish I’d read it years ago

Yup! It was like an anchor in a sea of confusion for me

I've just got the book on kindle! Now to try and read it with a 3 year old running around the place! I can always finish it this evening/ night if I need to.

I've just got the book on kindle! Now to try and read it with a 3 year old running around the place! I can always finish it this evening/ night if I need to.thanks for the recommendation!

I read it in stages. I’d read a bit then put it down and think about what it was asking me to do. I literally did a ten year inventory of our entire marriage. Really weird but completely freeing.

I knew I’d be a happier person if I let go. And I am. Not regretted it once.

Good luck