Friend issues

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Background - I have 3 DS's, 2 with SEN. An ASD DH. Work 5 days a week (in 3 different jobs). Run the house/finances/cars and organise the whole family. DH does very little - but that's another thread. My work/children/house is full on for me and life in general is really busy. Friend has DS & DD, 1 SEN. Single mum. Works 2 hours a day, children go to their dads EOW.

The issue - I love my friend to bits, we have a great time together, she is the BF i never had in my late teens and then 20's & 30's. However, there is a huge expectation from her to see me all the time - 2 eves a week, 1 of which will be out out (when permitted, C-19) and then several requests to go to hers for coffee on other days. I can get up to 3 requests on a week-end to go to hers for coffee. Its getting awkward to keep saying no. It's not that i don't want to see her but rather I have my own family who need me and sometimes even when i have nothing on I just want to chill at home. I used to go to an evening class but i had to give that up as it meant that seeing her twice a week and the eve class put me out 3 eves a week - I cannot do that with my children and DH and work and the house and my own sanity/chill time.

Then there are/have been the requests/asks from her to help with stuff -
Take children to school/pick up on occasions - I (used to) go past the school everyday so how could i say no. I also had my own children to get to school
Pop in on my lunch break to feed her pets if she is not around for the day - my office is in the next road to her house
Go with her to look at new houses to buy
Go with her to look at new furniture to buy
Baby sit the children occasionally -she's on her own and has no family to ask
Help her renovate her garden/paint her house and the 2nd house she rents out in the next town

the list goes on but I dont want to mention it all as too outing. I think the worse one was when i was on holiday abroad and she rung me to say she had lost her bank card. She had given me her credit card to look after (prevent her running up a bill on it) and now needed it while she waited for a replacement debit card. She knew i was away. What the hell did she expect me to do ????????? Luckily for her I had left the card at my house, but it meant i had to arrange for someone who had my house key to get the card and give to her there and then as she said she needed it asap so no option for someone to drop the card round as they were passing, type of thing. I was in the middle of a day trip on holiday with the children while ringing around sorting all this.

I know i need to learn to say no - but how do i do that when for example she knows i work 2 minutes from her house and can pop round to sort the pets if needed. Its another ask of me during the (pre c-19) day when I've already had a full day dropping my children at school, doing a days work, planning what i will give them for tea, picking up from school, managing homework

Its not i don't want to help her, its that I have helped her with so much and she has put so many asks on me in the past. These have caused issues between DH and me, he feels she takes the pee big time and i am a mug for running around for her all the time.

Am i a mug for running around for her ? or am i a shitty friend to not want to help her all the time ? given the vast number of times i have previously helped her/bent over backwards to help her/changed my plans to help her and not to mention all the things i have lent her in the past too (not money) - if she doesn't have it then she turns to me first to ask if i have it. I don't mind lending stuff to people but it's constant asks.

If she's such a great friend and you appreciate the friendship, can you talk to her about this?

It sounds like she's become very reliant on you but she's not taking you into consideration. She doesn't appreciate that you have your own responsibilities and commitments and don't have time to run around after her all day. It also sounds as though she takes you for granted and just expects you to do things.

You can do the less confrontational approach which is to start being vague and busy. It's less honest and may cause a rift but it depends on how you want to approach it.

Yeah, you're not a shit friend, she is taking the piss - What this woman thinks you are is her PA. Maybe, once in a while feed her pets (like a pre-arranged holiday or something), but I bet it's a regular occurrence, right? And you only get told on the day?

As for looking at houses/buy furniture/helping her renovate her second to rent house, well, that's just mad. Again, maybe once in a while.... potting up the odd plant..... But I'm seeing her expect you to spend whole weekends and if you have some holiday left over.....?

If you can, tell her straight this has got to stop. Be prepared for a monumental wobbler but stand your ground. Block her.

What if you can't? I assume that this has been going on a while? So with your DCs having their needs, I would say that now the children are older, you can't change plans (and exaggerate - say that the resulting hissy when you do is something to behold).

She asks to borrow something? The kids broke it and you haven't got round to replacing it. Or you had one, but a vital part is missing (lid of a blender, etc).

Out for the day/on holiday? Block her number while you're away - you couldn't get a signal for love nor money (don't answer unknown numbers).

Good luck, OP.

@namechange12a - yep, totally reliant on me and feel like she takes me for granted
@thesecondmrsashwell - she def treats her like her PA, or at least that's how it feels. The other week she asked me where can can buy jump leads from - I'm being asked to do her thinking now for her too

She definitely does see you as her PA! Actually messaging you to ask about the jump leads is more effort and typing than opening Google shopping or Amazon and typing 'jump leads'!

It does sound like she relies on you just a bit too much tbh .

Why don't you try getting her to think for herself by answering her questions with 'Oh, I don't know'. Whatever the question, you don't know the answer, whether it's for where to buy jump leads or how much to water her new plant.

As for the constant demands on your time, would you be able to set aside a day and time that you will always see her ? e.g Saturday 3-5pm, and the last Saturday night of the month, but you're unavailable the rest of the week/month ?

If you could do this, then she will get in the habit of looking forward to those meetings, and so might you, as you can have a real catch up and a lovely night out once a month

And I agree with the PP who suggested saying that you don't have/ have broken/ can't find whatever it is she wants to borrow. Blame your DH , the kids, or your next door neighbours for borrowing it even

yep i had a friend like this, not so much the coffee requests but expecting me to fix all her problems for her, say how high when she said jump. It kind of fell apart when i started expressing some boundaries i wanted and she didn't like it so rarely hear from her anymore. Much relieved. Sometimes you have to let go.

Be a better friend to yourself OP. Say no and be ok with it. Friendship is about helping each other - what you're describing is one person using the other. Shes seen you coming, she knows you struggle to say no and she is using it to her advantage.

If you insist on continuing to say yes to everything she asks, at least start asking for things in return from her!

You're going to have to tell her that you're too busy. I sympathise, I'm a bit like you though and always help.out friends and some take the Mickey.

Asking where to buy jump.leads is ridiculous and why isn't she picking and dropping her kids off herself if she only works a few hours a week?

Maybe suggest that she pay your kids to feed her pets because they want to earn some money.

Don't see her teo evenings a week and pleas do the evening class if you want to. You have your own life and you have every right to live it how you want. She will have to find other friends as well as you.

After I split up with my ex I tended to do most of my socialising with my single friends. When one of my single friends got a boyfriend, I understood and didn't see her as much and the same when I got a boyfriend, I didn't have as much free time as before (and obviously I'm busy anyway with my kids and work).