Covid-19 partner not letting me take baby out

[Pineapple424]

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I’ve posted on here.... so hopefully I get it right.

I am really struggling, my partner will not let me take out our 11 month old baby due to covid fears. The baby hasn’t been outside since the beginning of lockdown. We live in a one bedroom flat, there is a large communal garden but he won’t let me take him there or for a walk in his pram or carrier.

My partner has mild asthma and has decided he needs to shield (he wasn’t told he needed to by his doctor). I do respect his choice and after much heated debate he did agree to me going out for a daily exercise a few weeks ago.

He believes the government is not following the science and implies I am stupid for even considering it reasonable to take our child outside. He says statements like ‘why would I even consider putting our child at risk’. We can not have a conversation about this, were I can put across my beliefs as to why I feel it’s so important our child does go outside (in a safe way). When I try and raise the issue he shouts at me and then sulks for days. Which makes for a rubbish atmosphere to be living in. I did try again this morning and was told it will be weeks yet.....

I am really struggling, I am now crying most days and feel stressed and on edge. I just don’t know what to do or what can even do next.

I really appreciate anyone’s thoughts from an outside of this perspective.

Thank you!

I second the suggestion you get someone to come and get you.

He is effectively imprisoning you in your own home and using your baby to blackmail you.

Not all abuse is overt but this sounds like an abusive situation to me. Whether he is doing it because of his own anxiety or not, he has no right to imprison you.

Can you make up an appointment to take the baby to and then get soneone else to go and collect your things?

It's controlling behaviour, his anxiety is very worrying. Gather important documents including birth certificates for you both, passports etc. Drop them off ahead of leaving ideally then pack a bad for you and the baby and leave, if you don't have a car arrange for family to pick you up or women's aid (or similar) could advise a sympathetic cab firm who can wait around the corner, there's a scheme for free rail travel if you are leaving due to abuse.

Yes agree this situation sounds awful and lyiy are bring imprisoned.

Have you got an family near by you could go and stay with? It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Was he like this before lockdown? I would take myself and my baby away from this situation.

Could you arrange to have your child’s one year jabs and use that as an excuse to get out the flat then go from there if you feel like you can’t leave!

Wow this is so controlling, you poor thing, and your poor baby. You are virtually prisoners.

As he sounds so volatile it might be safer not to break up with him face to face. Wait until he's distracted and then take your baby and a bag of clothes / important documents and go. Text him when you're safely gone. Or do you have uncles or brothers who could come around and come into the house to collect you and the baby?

@Pineapple424

It's probably fair to say it's been up and down. It hasn't helped that some of my family really haven't taken to him. He does go off on one when he's not happy about something

I think you really need to get out op. Could you arrange for someone to come to your house and knock at say 11am, make sure baby is in your arms, go and answer dooor with them in it and leave with this person to back you up. It might mean leaving with nothing but the clothes in your back initially so I'd make sure you have access to money first

This isnt healthy for you or your baby. Put your baby first.

You need to get away. This is way over the bounds of sensible precautions - he's essentially keeping you prisoners. Getting a relative to come and collect you might be a plan, as he won't be able to physically stop you (he probably won't go anywhere near any visitor)

Look up coercive control OP.

So does he think everybody else who has to go out and get on with it is being risky aswell then. It’s madness Your baby will suffer if he can’t go outside and experience all the different experiences aswell as he needs fresh air. You have to take charge and stand up to him. You owe it to your baby. He has mild asthma that isn’t reason to shield either for goodness sake. Get on with your lives

Put essentials in a bag (for baby, but also financial papers, passports and birth certificates if you have safe access) and leave when he's in the shower.

Don't give him an opportunity to stop you.

What he's doing is coercive control and it's a crime.

Agree with everyone else you need to leave when he’s either asleep or in the shower. Do have friends or family you can stay with? When out for walks if you’re allowed could you take some stuff there and then one more hastily packed bag when it’s time to go properly.
You need to go for your baby’s sake.

Op he doesn't own you!
This is unacceptable and especially for your lo. The lack of Vitamin D for your lo is not good for their health if he's so worried about health.

Leave the baby with him? The fact that he is preventing your lo going out for fear when you can easily go for daily walks without touching other people wouldnt go down well with a health visitor.
He's allowing his own concern damage his lo.

Go out and enjoy some fresh air because by the sounds of it he's going to be a dick either way.

Can you get some family round to help you get everything together and leave with the baby?

I agree with POs that this Isn’t any good for baby or for you and wether that’s due to him being overly anxious or controlling you need to find a safe way out of this situation. If you don’t feel safe having the discussion with him then as PPs suggest get your ducks in a row and make plans to leave safely - with help if possible.
You could also arrange to speak with the GP or HV when you take baby for their 12 month imms - or that may be a good time to leave.

“Put essentials in a bag (for baby, but also financial papers, passports and birth certificates if you have safe access) and leave when he's in the shower.

Don't give him an opportunity to stop you.

What he's doing is coercive control and it's a crime.”

This. You can have conversations about next steps when you are safely somewhere else.

And btw: he won’t get to keep your baby - your primary carer. And with his dangerous controlling behaviour, he is likely to get less contact than would normally be the case.

This type of post really does show what a gift Corona is for domestic abusers. It's really sad. I hope you are alright OP x

Thanks everyone, I've taken the baby and left for a few days (at least). I spoke with my brother who lives near with his family and honestly told him how things have been. I think my partner was I shock when I said we were going because I couldn't live this way anymore. He said a few choice things but luckily I managed to hastily pack a bag and go. Feeing incredibly sad it's come to this but know it's the right thing. Thank you all your thoughts, it all really helped to give me perspective.

Well done, OP. Enjoy your freedom!

Well done for getting out op. That must've taken such strength.

Where to even start with this.

He sounds irrational, I probably qualify as a first time anxious parent but being stuck inside will have far greater health implications than the likelihood of catching covid.
What will be next, danger of traffic, danger of this danger of that?

How many babies/infants have caught covid and subsequently died, are there any figures?
The risk must be so low it hardly registers.

Didn't read thread before posting, you've done the right thing 👍🏻

I’m glad you’ve managed to get out. Please look after yourself and your baby. Don’t let him talk you into going home if that isn’t what you want.

YES! Well done xx