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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Silent Treatment

10 replies

Mariaamor · 19/07/2020 09:33

Hello all I am struggling to understand whether what I am doing is considered giving the silent treatment to my husband, as i see it as a way of dealing with my emotions. An example on Friday we had an argument about something trivial, but he proceeded to say some totally irrelevant things some quite hurtful, and was quite irate. That evening I went to talk to him and but he kept me waiting texting on the phone our landlord, so I left him. The next day I was civil however not talking in my usual friendly way, as I was still quite annoyed and upset about the day before. In the evening he blew up and started ranting saying I was giving him the silent treatment and I am toxic etc. I don't understand this, as if he says hurtful things to me why does he expect me to just get on the next day as if everything is normal, without any apology ? We had a talk about this and I was trying to explain that when we argue he says really nasty things, which makes me retreat and not want to talk to him, but he says that he doesn't mean these things, but then why say those kind of things ? and he rarely apologies for the things he says apparently it's all part and parcel of an arguement, yet me giving the silent treatment is the toxic part ? We have kids so I tend to retreat because I don't want the arguement to escalate, because when he is ranting if I started too, this could be even more distressing. Just a note that our arguements are rare maybe once a year, but I really want to understand how to deal better with the situation.

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 19/07/2020 09:36

Hmmm...

Awhole day freezing someone out seems a bit much. Possibly depends what he said though?

Colourmeclear · 19/07/2020 10:38

What would happen if you said "I'm still quite hurt from our argument yesterday, I just need a little space?". Would he respect that?

In my view giving the silent treatment is seen as punishing the other person, or forcing them into changing their behaviour, what's your intention? Is it just to get space?

Thighdentitycrisis · 19/07/2020 14:24

Hello OP
I’m following to see what advice you get as I think I may be a bit like your partner and he a bit like you.

Mariaamor · 19/07/2020 18:14

I don't know if I have an intention, I just don't feel like speaking to him, especially when he has offended me. I know I tend to bite my lip because I don't know if I will articulate myself properly, and I don't want the arguement to escalate so I just keep quiet, but I am still quite annoyed inside.... Am I a psychopath ?

OP posts:
mencken · 19/07/2020 18:19

sulking (aka 'the silent treatment') is childish and no adult should do it. All couples argue at times. However he needs to stop saying whatever those nasty things are.

LannieDuck · 19/07/2020 18:29

I've never understood people who say horrible things during arguments, but apparently don't mean them.

As soon as you say something, it becomes real. If you call me names, I'm going to believe that's how you feel about me. Likewise, if you say things you don't mean, how am I supposed to trust anything you say?

Maybe you need to find a better way to process arguments, but your OH needs to find a better way to express himself during arguments.

ThisIsTheBadger · 20/07/2020 09:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

LemonTT · 20/07/2020 09:49

Bad behaviour from both of you which is why a trivial argument has escalated into something major. Now you are adding a new dimension by trying to establish whose bad behaviour is worse. Bringing you both back to being as bad as each other.

The thing for you to do is to examine your own behaviour and accept that you have been wrong. Arguing over triviality is wrong. Name calling is wrong.Ranting is wrong. Sulking or the silent treatment is wrong. Minimising and excusing behaviours is wrong.

There is something very wrong when an adult cannot stop or walk away from a trivial dispute. It screams pigheadedness on both parts. This unwillingness to back down is going on for days now. Can’t either of you even see that.

HGKPG · 20/07/2020 10:10

My ex used to do this. An argument that couldn't and can't be resolved yet no real bad argument, no horrible name calling just an inability to communicate. Sadly I got used to it and whereas I used to find it very hard and upsetting now I've decided he can carry on and have a permenant silence as it's too much like hard work.
It's VERY hard to be ignored, it makes you question everything and it's not healthy. If my ex had explained he just didn't know what to say it would have helped a great deal. Maybe portray this next time so he understands. The insults are not on and I'd be questioning how he really feels.

Chamomileteaplease · 20/07/2020 10:59

I can't see what you did wrong and why people are saying you are both to blame.

He called you names etc and hadn't apologised. The argument hadn't been resolved. No air had been cleared.

Could you not talk to him about how when these (rare) occurences happen, it is imperative that the argument is sorted out otherwise it is impossible for you to carry on as normal. Becuase things aren't normal!

Also, I tend to believe that name calling does indeed bring out truthful feelings which are very hurtful. I would have a think about what he called you and see if you believe he really thinks this and why. And at a calmer time have a chat about it - it may lead to further air clearing.

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