DH is a useless waster? or i expect too much

[moaningminnie2020]

Dh is doing my head in. We have a 6mo DD who still sleeps fairly badly most of the time.The final straw was last night, DD wakes up crying at 4.30 am and DH is standing over the cot shouting at her to 'pack it in' and 'shut the f@@@ up'.
I followed him downstairs with her and said I would sort her out because I didn't want him shouting at her like that, its not fair on her. He said, 'you do it then, superwoman' and went off to sleep in the spare room in a huff. He said he wasn't going to be nice to her when she wakes in the night because she will do it more. I think he is being a complete tw## and it makes me want to a)cry b)take DD away from him and c)say shall we ring your mum and she if SHE thinks you should be telling a 6mo to shut the f@@@up? She is a PITA but she's not nasty/spiteful.
In the last couple of weeks I have spent a lot of time disliking him basically, he went out for an afternoons drinking and came home at 9pm the next night, ratarsed again, a couple of weeks ago.
I feel like I've got 2 kids, it's just that one of them is a foot taller than me.

He sounds very immature, sorry.

he tells your baby to shut the f* up and says he won;t be nice to her , to make her sleep better

how old is he? my toddler has better manners and social skills

what an absolute, selfish, immature arse!

i;d seriously consider whether i would want to raise a child with this man

I don't think he is a useless waster, but he does perhaps need to be taught how to react properly to a crying child.

We've all been there, exhausted in the middle of the night, I remember begging & pleading with dd to "Please, please be quiet..stop crying...please".

You say he said "You do it then superwoman" do you do everything? Do you not trust him enough to help out? It's quite a common complaint with your first child. A mum tries to do everything.. feed, nappy changes.. quite often the father doesn't get a look in!

I wouldn't be saying to him "Right lets ring your mum then" It simply wouldn't enter my head! Leave his mum out of it!

You both need to have a talk about what is acceptable behaviour towards a 6month old baby & what is acceptable behaviour in general! How about you take it in turns to get up with dd?

OI think sometimes it can be hard not to ascribe adult motives onto babies and children. I went thru a hard time with DD1 a while ago when she was only 3 but was as tall and spoke like a much older child. I was constantly reminding myself that she just wasn't capable of what I was asking onf her. Of course with a 6 mth old it is ridiculous to expect much at all.
I have been known to plead "What the fuck do you waaaaaaaaant???" To DD2 in the middle of thenight, but not nastily, more a sort of pathetic sob. To be nasty to her in order to teach her something is never ok tho. It is very immature, you need to reming him who the adult is in this picture.
My little bro didn't give my mum more than 3 hrs sleep in a row until he was 2 yo, some babies just DON'T SLEEP, he nedds reminding of that too. It can always be worse.

He's 44 godammit. I am only now beginning to realise he is a very selfish man.
I have lots of other examples of his tw##ish behaviour but it gets boring... eg I was washing DD's bottles and when I took the end off the brush to clean the teat he said 'I didn't know it did that' I said thats why I clean the bottles.
When he rang to say he wasn't coming back till late after the impromptu night out and he was very drunk, he said 'I suppose I'll be looking after DD tomorrow then', like its some sort of punishment. He didn't understand I was cross not because he was out somewhere having fun, but because he thinks I'm a complete soft touch and it wasn't worth the effort of staying JUST sober enough to get a train home, he had been in the station all afternoon but 'kept missing them'. He leaves his used plates and dishes on the floor when he has finished eating. The other day he complained that DD had knocked his tea over... my point being what the hell was a cup of tea doing anywhere near her???
I'm sure you get the picture...

Fire fly - I wouldn't dream of ringing his mum, I just think he shouldn't speak to DD in a way he would be ashamed that people knew about, iykwim.
And yes, I DO do everything,but out of neccessity rather than control freakery - he works nights and sleeps all day and usually stays out one night a week socially so 5 nights a week I'm on my own, plus looking after her all day all except maybe 5/6 hrs on one day when he takes her out, but he usually hands her over to his mum for some of that time, TBH. Thats where they are now.

Would your life be easier without him in it?

Hmm, sounds like he is having trouble adjusting to being a father. After 43 years of not having to do all this stuff, and being able to leave his tea anywhere, and getting a full nights uninteruppted sleep, it is obviously too much for him to handle. Yet they always think it's easy for us don't they. Hence the superwoman comment. Like it's naturaland instinctive for us to funstion on 4 hrs sleep spread across an 8 hour night, or less.
FFS. I think he needs a stern talking to.

I have thought the same thing agbout DH along the lines of Why is it too much trouble to do this little thing. Why does he act like it's a punishment to look after the kids, get up at the crack of dawn and p[lay with them. Of course the crack of dawn sucks, but make the most of it, you're up anyway.

I think you'll find this is not uncommon, sadly.

Find it quite interesting that he gets to stay out all night socially once a week. IMO that is a lot for a guy wth kids. Some would be grateful for once a quarter. He should count himself lucky. And sorry but if he sleeps in the day how is he being disturbed???

Sounds very selfish.

firefly - that's a difficult one, because the answer would be yes, it would be easier. I don't want to get rid of him though, I just want him to be a bit more considerate some of the time. I understand he gets frustrated with her, I do too sometimes but I recognise that it's MY problem rather than DD's.
And TBH I'm jealous at how easy his life is atm - when i was working I had to run the house, pay the bills, laundry, shopping etc etc and work full time. We did the exact same job before I had DD so I know how hard he has it, or not. He works full time and thats it, his free time's his own. He has a full fridge to pick at, clean clothes in the wardrobe...He spends a few hrs with DD if the mood takes him, or goes out if he doesn't fancy it.

BOM - he gets disturbed on the two nights he is at home at night time...thats partly why it upsets me, he's not even getting up with her nearly every night like I do, and he gets a full 8/9 hrs sleep every day when he's working.

You definitely have a lot of anger towards him. Seems to me you need to sit him down & spell it out to him!!

Tell him exactly what you have written here!!

Tell him you need a little more help.

And I'd also put an end to those staying out overnight nights!! In fact that would be the first thing I would do

Your story sounds soooo familiar. My dp is getting slightly better now, but dd is now 20 months old, and believe me, it still seems like I have to nag him into doing anything. It's so boring to have to chivvy someone into taking a share in the job of parenthood, and half the time I just think, you know what, I'll just get on and do all the childcare myself, 7 days a week, as well as all the housework, but then I think that'd suit him down to the ground. Even when he does "help out" (why does he see it as helping rather than doing his fair share???) at the weekend, like your man, he usually heads to his mums.

He seems to still be stuck in the role of single man, no responsibilities, who can live life exactly how he wishes. I guess some men are just like that.

splishsplosh - you are dead right, it is just easier to do everything myself. Part of it the the idea that I can't make him change, I can only change how I react to him, but it's getting beyond belief now.
Firefly - I quite like it when he stays out, because when he's working he comes home at 8am and pisses me off, when he's out socially he gets back later and I get more time to myself
I don't know what the answer is but I feel better for having a moan anyway. Last night wasn't the first time he's spoken to DD like that, last time I was more 'gentle' and I said I'd take over because 'you obviously feel cross with her but I don't' whereas last night I actually told him off for speaking to her, and me, that way. No apology this morning though, I really think he sees no problem with it.
Its up to me to like it or lump it I know, I get fed up with people moaning and then putting up with more of the same!

You should expect more. If you don't want rid of him (he sounds unbearble to me but I guess you must see something good about him) then IIWY I would go on strike and do nothing for him (as opposed to you and dd) until he pulls his weight - no cooking, no laundry etc.

If I ever heard dh shout like that dd I would go mental (and vice versa). Dh was 45 when dd was born and totally pulls his weight - so being stuck in your ways is no excuse.

Did he want to have this baby??

Yes, she was planned by both of us, but I was much more keen on the idea. I think part of it is that I was expecting it to be hard at times whereas DH thought that babies are easier than they really are! I haven't done the 'going on strike' thing as such, but when I'm totally fed up and he says 'Whats for tea?' I say 'I give up, what is for tea?' and sort myself something out.
I'm not sure anyone would notice a laundry strike at the moment, the house is full of washing everywhere...but I did purposely not pack the baby bag for him today- I have to do it every time I go out and if keep doing things for him he won't learn how to do it himself. Think I've got to stop worrying about becoming a nag and give him a thorough b0llocking instead

Maybe you should ask him what he thinks his contribution ought to be as a father, it does sound like he's very unrealistic. Perhaps if you can get him to spell it out he'll see that he's being unreasonable.

Also you could ask him if he was shouted at like that when he was a baby. If he can't remember get him to take a guess and then ask him how it made him feel or how he thinks it made him feel. People who are unkind or cruel to children are often acting out what was done to them.

I don't think you are unreasonable by the way. Male emperor penguins go for weeks without food whilst they keep the egg warm in the frozen antarctic. If a penguin can make that kind of sacrifice he can definitely do more!