Don't know what to do today

[Thepastdefinesus]

Things aren't great between me and DP. Mainly my fault for having insecurities from the start I still can't shake. Things did get good (or perhaps I told myself they were) and we went on to have a baby. DP is due to see his older children today and I know I'm going to be expected to be around with the baby so they can see their sibling. However, I'm feeling so suffocated at the moment I don't want to be here and I'm dreading today. If I'm not around I'm going to make the situation worse. I always feel so tense on the weekends (nothing to do with the children). I hate them.

Can you give us a bit more detail op? Genuinely, why isn't it fair to leave the baby with him!?

Irrespective of everything else, you sound extremely unhappy. I think having a break away from him is an excellent idea.

Sorry, there is a rogue exclamation mark there.

What was it he did that upset you?

So, let me get this straight?

You have expressed your concerns to your partner that having a relationship with an ex is a boundary that you'd consider crossed, and he instead told you that you're trying to control who he is friends with, instead of taking your concerns on board like a respectful partner?

And because of that, you think that the problem lays with you? Oh honey, no.

Of course you can't control who he is friends with but any partner worth their salt would respect the boundaries of the person they'd potentially be spending the rest of their life with. He's saying his relationship with his ex is more valuable than your feelings.

And also, he doesn't get to just be "useless". He doesn't get to play Strategic Incompetence so that then you'll just do it because he's no good. He has parental responsibilities too.

I'm not surprised antidepressants haven't helped, because it's not your brain chemistry that needs changing. It's the situation you're in that needs changing. You're going to be living life constantly anxious and treading on eggshells around this man who is making you feel like you've got problems when he's being blatantly and utterly disrespectful.

Is this a relationship you honestly wish to pursue? And do you think he's pursuing the relationship with you for all of the right reasons?

Your trust has been broken by your partner and he expects you to move on because you've stayed with him.

I lost trust for my husband in the 1st year of marriage when he would have emotional affairs with random women but ended up staying 17years due to emotional abuse and suicide threats.

It takes a special type of person to be able to forgive and not bring up the past ever again.

Clearly you are not able to forgive and forget which is totally understandable but for everyones sake you need to leave this relationship permanently.

The fact you cant leave the baby with him even for a few hours sums up what kind of person he is.

You are better than this and you deserve better. You can build a new life with just you and the baby.

@Arrivederla its not fair on me because I'd worry the whole day. It's not fair on the baby because DP doesn't know his routine and I'm not sure would know when to feed him, give him naps etc and change his nappy. It's not fair on the children because they want to spend time with their father not dealing with a baby who would then be unhappy. Maybe I'm being unfair but that's how I see it.

I understand what you are saying op, but you also need to think about what is fair on you.

You sound ground down, anxious and unhappy. This is not good for you, is extremely bad for your baby and to be honest is almost certainly unsustainable.

I'm not criticising you. I have been in a similar situation and stuck it out for far too long... give yourself a bit of a break to clear your head and think things through and decide what is really best for you and your lovely baby.

How old is the baby? Are you breastfeeding? If not baby will survive even if it's a few hours without you. Also you could express or supplement milk. Please talk to your health visitor.

@Aquamarine1029 "them" is referring to weekends. I hate the weekends. I don't hate the children - sorry if that's how it sounded.

No, it didn't sound like that at all - you had 'nothing to do with the children' in brackets, so it was obvious you meant the weekends. It sounds like a narky MN poster waiting to pounce and attack someone who's down.

The children are coming to the house and I won't leave the baby with him. It's not fair on any of us to do that.

With respect, your kinda martyring yourself a bit here.

If the baby is hungry, it will cry. If it needs a nappy change, it will cry. If it wants a cuddle, it will cry. I'm sure he can work out feeding, nappy changing and cuddling. After all, he had a child with you knowing what it involved.

It's your choice to worry all day about it.

Don't make yourself the victim in this.

Give him two choices - either he takes the baby and you have a day to yourself, or you take the baby and he can spend time with his other two children alone.

It's actually really simple...

Oh and your baby will survive being out of routine for a few hours.

Remember when you first had your baby and had to work out what the cries meant and what the routine should look like? He needs to do that too.

Yes the baby might cry. Yes he might get it wrong. But he needs the opportunity to get it wrong so he can learn how to get it right. Unless you genuinely believe he would harm or neglect your child it’s ok to hand him the baby and go out for a bit. He won’t parent the way you do but that’s ok. You need the break.

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

OP, many women don't realise they're being abused. They think abuse is regular beatings, punches to the face. It's not. Please have a read of these and see if any of it resonates. I was in the same place as you when I had a baby, I just couldn't see it as the time, and what you are saying is so familiar. Mine was deliberately messing with my head (and messing around ), and this abuse caused me to become mentally ill - until I got away from him.

I think you will become well with distance from him. 💐