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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Oh, dear...

3 replies

UnloveableMe · 18/07/2020 21:21

I've read so many threads where women, who question whether they are loveable, are told that everyone is loveable.

Surely, if that were the case, there would be some evidence of it!

I have children and they love me but no man has ever fallen in love with me. I've never sparked that in anyone. I've had relationships but they've never been 'loving' and I've not been loved in them.

My children find it hard.

They are both getting older and many of their friends parents have divorced at some point but all of them, without exception, have gone on to meet someone and remarry within a few years. I'm the only single parent they know and have been for nearly 10 years.

They both see being in a loving relationship as 'normal' and don't really understand why I'm not.

I have accepted it. I do date but I enjoy the dalliance for what it is and have no expectations that they will want to take it further. And they never do.

I don't lament the lack of a loving relationship to my children. This is purely their perception. I have friends and hobbies and I'm quite happy when on my own. I worry about what impact it will have on them if they come to also see me as 'unloveable' and how that will affect their sense of self. My daughter has already told me that she has turned down boys who have asked her out because she thinks they are joking and doing it as a dare. I would say that, in every other aspect of her life, she is quite self assured and confident.

Their dad is in a warm and loving relationship, which is great for them to see. I always just assumed that they would see from me that it's not necessary to be in a relationship and that it is possible to be just as happy and fulfilled single but I don't think I'm modelling to them what I thought I was Sad

OP posts:
TigerDater · 19/07/2020 05:04

What do your DC say about it exactly OP? Are you sure you’re not overthinking here? If you’re happy being single, be single. It’s a great way to be!

UnloveableMe · 19/07/2020 08:36

Thanks for replying. I know because they've commented to me directly on it.

It's hard to say that I'm happy being single. I feel it's more that I make the best of it. I never mention it to my children. But they love being at their dad's with him and his partner and they love being at friends' houses. They love the dynamic of two adults who clearly love each other very much and have commented on how different it is to being at home where its quiet and just the three of us. And for them, that is 'normal'.

They love me but they feel sad that their experience isnt the same as other people's and they feel sorry for me that I'm doing life alone.

They've both commented that their friends parents have remarried and they think it's 'weird' that I've never found that.

The eldest has said that he would like me to find someone who loves me and doesn't understand why I haven't.

The last relationship I had lasted for a year. They both liked him a lot and chose to spend time with me and him but I asked him if he loved me at the 12 month mark because it hadn't been said. He said he really liked me, loved spending time with me, thought my children were great but, no, he didn't love me and didnt think he ever would. So we split up.

OP posts:
GreyishDays · 19/07/2020 08:41

I would think that it’s much better for them to see you relatively happy on your own, than in a shit relationship, though. So what you’re modelling to them is good.

You don’t know how many of those relationships are actually happy. People are very good at putting up a good public show.

I wonder if you could try and speak to a counsellor? It might be something you could work out together.

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