Am I being reasonable?

[BlueAndWhiteJug]

My boyfriend of several months has gone to visit a friend for the weekend. It's a good 3 hour drive so he's staying over (not getting into details but social distancing all being maintained etc).

I met up with a friend for lunch today who seemed surprised when I said I didn't expect him to contact me over the weekend; I won't contact him and he'll be in touch when he returns. Friend seemed to think this was odd and showed a lack of interest/care/respect as he would expect him to miss me/be thinking of me and and to let me know.

My feeling is that he hasn't seen this friend for months and that he deserves a weekend away and to have fun without worrying about me. After all, I'm more than capable of entertaining myself for a weekend!

But it has made me wonder whether my friend has a point...

I’m with you. No need to be in constant contact I think.
At the risk of sounding like a proper old fart we never had phones in my day!

I’d think it was weird. Texting you doesn’t have to mean he’s “worrying” about you - neither of you should see texting each other as a chore which is what you seem to imply with that statement.

It only takes a minute to say “I got here”, “I’m having a great time”, “miss you” etc.

I think you are in a secure relationship so all is good. It’s only a weekend. I wouldn’t be expecting texts either.

I don't think it's weird. I've been married for 20 years and my husband completely adores me. But we don't message each other when he's away unless it's urgent.

We don't really tell each other we miss each other, tbh. I look forward to seeing him but I don't really 'miss' him.

I know we think about each other so I don't really need to he told that.

I've been with my husband 20 years and we don't really call or text when we are apart except for an "I got here safely" "on my way home" kind of thing. We both go away independently several times a year and enjoy our apart time

What I mean by I don't 'miss' him is that I don't get that anxious feeling you sometimes get when someone isnt there and you don't know when you'll see them next. I know we'll see each other next week!

Good. Glad to hear it's not something i should be concerned about..!

My OH doesn't contact me when he's away, I don't get a text to say he's arrived or a text to say when he's coming back, nothing but this is normal for him.

Summer41

Yeah, it's normal for him too.

I find the not having to constantly 'check in' quite refreshing, tbh!

DH and I have been together for 16 years and when he works away I don't really miss him and we don't have much contact.

It has always worked for us. To be honest, I am busy with my life, he is busy at work and he is really boring on the phone

It only takes a minute to say “I got here”, “I’m having a great time”, “miss you” etc.

I guess it just feels a bit 'clingy'. I know he'll be having a good time so I don't need him to tell me and, tbh, I wouldnt expect him to be missing me if he's having a good time!

It all sounds fine to me.

It would be a bit much after a few months to be bereft over a weekend apart, no?

Okay so if it works for you both then that’s okay; that’s all that matters.

It is possible to have a good time yet still miss someone, and I’m not saying you need to be in constant contact, but a few texts isn’t clingy. I like to hear about how DH is doing when I’m not there and what he’s getting up to, as does he with me (although we rarely spend time apart these days) and to be honest I think it’s just good manners 🤷‍♀️

So it wouldn’t work for me, but as I said, if it works for you two, that’s the main thing.

Thanks. I just wanted to be sure I wasn't missing something fundamental!

Reading your post over, is this friend you had lunch with male?

My DP goes away for the weekend once a month (been together 15 months) and although we don't have a full conversation we do send a 'hope you are having a good time, I'm off to bed. Night' type texts.

No wrong or right. I prefer a text or two.

You sound secure in your relationship and like you both have your independence while being close - sounds great.

I ask if the friends was male as on second reading it sounds like your friend was trying to make you question your boyfriend when there's nothing to question. You sound very secure and there's nothing wrong with time away from texting and letting him just enjoy that time. I wonder as an ex of mine, before we got together, did a good job of making me question my then boyfriend's commitment to me. My then partner was working away and this guy would dripfeed comments such as 'I'd never leave my girlfriend for such a long time' and 'has he not phoned you lately?' (pre mobiles and he was working overseas). I fell for it, big mistake! Anyway is there a reason for this lunch friend to try and plant doubts??

Reading your post over, is this friend you had lunch with male?

Yes.

He's also 23 years older than I am and has a truly beautiful partner he utterly adores. It's nothing 'dodgy'

You sound secure in your relationship and like you both have your independence while being close - sounds great.

Good that's how i was reading it too...

I've had some truly shocking relationships in the past and I like the fact this one doesn't have all the emotional push and pull I've experienced previously.

I've had boyfriends previously who would message me when i was out for the day with my children; at band practice; away camping with friends etc and get funny with me if I didn't reply.

Given that the messages were often, "hope you're having a nice time x", there was no 'need' for them. They served only to force me to 'check in' and prove to them that they were still a priority. I don't like being made to feel like that and I wouldn't want to come across like that to anyone else either.

Kabakofte

Yeah, I can see that. And I've experienced it in the past from a married male friend who then went on to make a pass at me. I no longer see him. We were good friends, with his wife's blessing, for 8 years before he started telling me men I was standing next to at the bar were shuddering in disgust at the sight of me and questioning the commitment of a man I was dating before he made a pass.

This guy is doing nothing like that. He wants me to be happy and settled. He's just a bit of a romantic and thinks I deserved to he loved and cherished.

When my partner of 3 1/2 years goes away he may send a 'I got here' text. But may not. We may speak when he's away. But we may not. I don't expect him to text or call when he's away - I mSecure in our relationship, I know he loves me and I him. Time apart is healthy and I have no expectation or need for him to be in contact when he's away with friends. I'd hate to feel that I have to 'check in' when I'm away with girlfriends too.

All sounds good and healthy to me.

I'd hate to feel that I have to 'check in' when I'm away with girlfriends too.

Same!

@BlueAndWhiteJug - another here who thinks what you’re describing is absolutely fine. The man who said otherwise may have an agenda or may just do differently himself but it just sounds like you and your BF are secure in your relationship.