Need some advice..

[OSCAR89]

It's so hard to even type this out but I feel I'm at a point where I just need to get this off my chest and hear some honest advice... So here we go...apologies for the essay in advance.
I'm currently 6 months pregnant and excepting first child with my husband we have been married for 2 years.
We struggled to conceive it didn't happen quickly for us and unfortunately had to have lots of tests and fertility appointments to get us what we both really wanted. So now I'm finally pregnant you would think what could possibly be wrong?
I've basically discovererd since asking numerous questions as I felt something was up that my husband doesn't feel as strong for me compared to what he has felt for his ex who he left 6 years ago! He's basically told me their love was more deeper, they had a stronger bond/connection and that he basically wants to be able to feel this way with me....I'm struggling to understand how us going through such a journey house, marriage, baby on the way etc... would not make him automatically feel strongly connected to me. His way of thinking is that having our baby will fix this and bring us closer together....but as you can imagine my hormones and emotions are all over the place and honestly can't see this happening and that I'm heading down a horrible rocky road. I'm completely heartbroken 💔 and gutted that something I have dreamt of for so long is failing before it's even arrived.

Please be kind in your responses! Xx

Hi @OSCAR89 I thought I’d reply as it seems as if you’re having a hard time. I’m not sure I have any advise but every individual relationship is different. How long was he with his ex? Surly if he left her, the connection wasn’t that deep, even if he left after she cheated then the “connection was only one sided or she wouldn’t of done”
He’s probably looking back with rose to it’s glasses and remembering differently to what it actually was.

Having said that, I also feel sometimes not as connected to my current partner as I was with my exh. My exh was controlling and abusive and so in a way made me feel more connected. I now have a much healthier relationship where I keep my independence and allowed to do whatever I want. Sometimes I feel the fight and passion isn’t there like I had with my abusive ex but then also I was tired of fighting and I no longer need too.

Why did they split? That might help to understand that? Do you share lots of your life together? Combine Friends and family?
You should make lots of memories together, that may help also

Hi @Sistermister20 I can't thank you enough for replying I didn't think anyone would just feels so nice to talk about this with someone. You're basically spot on he had a really toxic relationship with this girl they were only with each other for 2 years
and had split up whilst being together in that time too...they got engaged only after 5 months and he always describes it as puppy/soppy love and even admits it wasn't as mature/serious as what we have now, they split up because of the constant arguing and her trust issues.
We honestly get on really well have a great family unit and have a big friendship group that we are part of all different types of couples etc... I'm just hurt because I don't see an issue I'm living on cloud 9 thinking everything is fine have shared so many nice holidays and memories together and he on the other hand is still comparing me to someone he use to have... :( Its honestly making me not enjoy my pregnancy and our marriage as I'm just dreading what my future holds.

Sorry you are having a hard time. Your husband sounds a bit childish, he should not be comparing you to an ex, your long relationship which resulted in marriage to a volatile 2 year relationship. Does she miss the arguing and drama? Does your partner over analyse? Life and love isn't like the cliches you find in romance movies, a connection! They obviously didn't have that much of a connection if they broke up! Love is being with your best friend, enjoying each others company, desire, fun, respect and working at a relationship and wanting your partner to be happy. He should not have said that to you and he needs to stop over analysing things as he appears to be finding faults where there are none. You and this baby should be his priority now and protecting you and his family. Time he grows up! Although, could he be worried about impending fatherhood which is making him over analyse other aspects of his life, misplacing his worry about fatherhood onto your relationship? Have you told him he is disrespect you and your marriage with his harsh comment? Maybe he could do with some counselling and you could do with distressing and focuses on your good vibes and baby.

Typo... should read ... Does he miss the arguing

Sounds like she could have been his first love and a bit co-dependent??

I think it's common to hold back emotions after you've been hurt but actually the strong connection comes through time and letting yourself be vulnerable. Your DH could be holding back?

Call his bluff. He's living a fantasy in his head of an old relationship. Don't do the 'pick me' dance. Tell him he's out and make him leave as he's not appreciative of what you have together and that isn't good enough for you. Nothing is as attractive as someone who's confident and knows their own worth.

What a bastard :(

If he really does feel that way, why tell you? What could you do to deepen his love to you? Especially now he's basically told you that he doesn't feel the same about you as he does his ex.

Is he manipulative in other ways? This is a very, very odd thing to say to your pregnant wife.

I agree with a pp, don't engage with him, don't try and being better'. Tell him if he thinks he was better with his ex then he should go and be with her and allow you to concentrate on realising your dream of becoming a Mum and developing a deep and everlasting, unbreakable bond with your baby.

I am so angry on your behalf op.

@MrsBobDylan @scottishlass123 @fabulous40s @RandomMess
Thank you all for your replies I really do appreciate them.
I agree with everything you're saying we have had so many blazing rows this last month it's been so draining... I've told him how disgusting, disrecepcful and childish he's being and that he needs to have a huge wake up call. He always replies with I know how great you are and you're doing nothing wrong it's just me ....bla bla bla. He hasn't suggested once that he wants to leave he just wants to be feeling more like he use to and I've said I have no idea how I can do anymore that what I've already done so this is basically your issue not mine.

The way I'm currently seeing it and I really hope you don't think I'm being a complete mug/walk over is that I just really want to give this the best possible chance I can as it's my first baby and to see whether this will mend whatever this fucked up issue is...:( apart from this issue there really hasn't been any horrible warning signs this has all just come as abit of shock. I'm just so frustrated and angry that he's spoiling such a exciting time in my life and I know it shouldn't be that way.

He's a drama llama.
I'd ban watching the soaps, reality television and social media.

How would a baby mend this? How would a baby alter his decision to manipulate you?

Unfortunately there are people who wait until pregnancy to reveal their true colours because they think they've got you trapped at that point.

@user9274672893 I know you're right all of this has crossed my mind believe me it really has i am just completely torn at the moment :( I want my baby to have both of us around living together more than anything I feel like thats my one priority so I'm basically grabbing hold of what he is telling me. He is frequently telling me he loves me and wants this future with me and that he doesn't want to find or meet anybody new.. he keeps saying he thinks things will improve when he's arrived. So I'm struggling to ignore that and move on 😔.
The ex is now married with kids it's not like anything can go back to what it was... I just keep reading that people do always hold a flame for their first love.
It's just so fucked up even typing this all out I feel like I'm going crazy I'm just ashamed and embarrassed to talk about this with anyone and I only have this group to sort of keep me sane at the moment. :(

@OSCAR89 so sorry you are going through this. As is life has not been hard enough for everyone as it is.
Dont be his therapist anymore or listen to his unrequited longings and comparisons. Tell him its hurtful and how would he like it if you went on about an ex??
Are you sure him and the ex are not still in contact and discussing their relationship through a nostalgic and overly rosy context?
But be careful too he is not content to be doing this and its not fair on you going forward.
If he says it again, tell him you broke up with her for a reason its in the past, if you do not focus on here and now, neither will I.
It puts you in a vulnerable position to feel like you need to compete with a ghost of his old relationship?
Build a support network, focus on you and baby. Tell him its not acceptable and if it carries on make plans to leave. Maybe if he knows you are at risk of leaving it will jolt him to reality.
I have a friend like this though, always going on about hiw great last job/ relationship/ Christmas was even though at the time they vocalised how unhappy/ stressed/ let down it was.
Some people cant appreciate the here and now. He sounds hard work. You deserve better

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus thank you for your reply xx
Yes I'm 100% sure they're not in contact I have also him asked that question he said he hasn't go her number anymore and she's not on any social media pages either. I'd hate to become one of those people who are constantly suspicious of what he's doing all the time it would make me unwell!
Funny you say to not bring it up anymore his suggestion is the same he thinks it's best to not talk about it as it's not helping anything and he wants to try and move forward.

All I can do is concentrate on the what's going on now just can't keep dreading the future it's too painful 😣 thank you for your advice x

Google “limerance” op- this is what your DH is mistaking for “love” and deep connection with his Ex. It usually lasts about 2 years or so.... then you get to the REAL love xx give it a read 💐

*”limerence”

How exciting your going to be a mum.
I think most men fixate on a ex and have that story of the wonderful or Perfect ex partner who the next can never live up too.
A baby will not fix a relationship it may bring you closer it may change you to be more of a family.
It does mean for the rest of your life you both need to try and make it work as parents.
What do you think is missing that you lack a real closeness.
I was once asked by my partners sister in law about her husbands ex as he was doing exactly the same to her.
I was asked was she really attractive and a ballerina, I said what I thought and was astounded he had made her into some exotic American to which she was not.
How nice he had some sort of bond.
let's hope he bonds with baby after he's treated you like That tell him it's the past and for a reason.. no. But really keep your spirits up pregnancy is a special time and look forward to seeing your beautiful baby!
That I genuine unconditional love that you deserve. (Slap him he's an idiot)