Examples of gaslighting

[Watchingtv44]

Can anyone give me ordinary examples.
Whenever I say how I feel about a situation that has for example upset me my dh says I am over reacting or he didn’t mean it like that or he didn’t say that or I’m over the top exaggerating...

He isn’t overtly nasty more dismissive of my feelings which is why I feel confused.
He always says but that’s my opinion and then I feel bad too as I understand that. Will try and think of some examples as it’s hard to explain.
They will seem silly though I think

An example. My ex would phone me and ask to pick the kids up at 5. I’d have them ready he’d turn up at 7 and tell me he never agreed to five it was always seven.

He also did the DARVO described above.

It doesnt matter what label you put on it. It could be gaslighting or not, if it makes you uncomfortable and you dont like it, it is a problem. You dont have to have an "official" term in order to leave someone.

It’s a form of abuse. No wonder you are getting increasing angry at him.

He’s not a nice guy.

My soon to be exh keeps on at me for my anger issues - telling me I need help. I need to sort my self out. But this is why I am angry and I defy anyone to not be angry. In fact, I think you would need help if you weren't:

He has lied to me to make me move to the other side of the world and give up my life.

He constantly takes MILs side when she criticises me and disagrees with everything I say. He has NEVER taken my side.

He went into lockdown with his family and ignored all my calls, messages and emails for two weeks while I was on my own with the kids in a new country.

Six months after moving here he told me he only loved me because I looked after him so well and now I've stopped he's leaving to have fun.

He told the kids I told him to move out, but I only did this after he kept threatening to and then told me he didn't love me.

He brings the kids back late every time he has them and patronises me when I question him.

He refuses to answer any questions now we have moved and things aren't as he promised.. Our mediator described this as stonewalling.

She advised grief counselling and when I told him, he said 'I'm pleased I got a professional involved, I have been telling you to see someone for ages'

He's a patronising, gaslighting, abusive man and I can't believe I fell for him. I feel scared now I have no one in this country that he is trying to push me until I break.

witchesandwizards are you the OP who’s husband moved her to NZ? Are you okay? Do you still have a tread running? I followed it fir a while but lost it, been wondering how you’re doing, doesn’t sound like it’s going great

I can clearly see those ones. Mine are more silly things like - we are on a train there are some “youths” being loud and smoking weed and dh starts talking about it. I feel uncomfortable and ask if he can be quiet as I feel worried. He doesn’t and I have to ask at least 3 times. He huffs and puffs and says I’m over the top as they aren’t going to do anything..
I ask him to slow down driving (been in a bad accident and I know I do worry more that I should) he huffs and puffs as I don’t trust him.
I said I was going on the phone upstairs so if he could deal with the kids. 5 mins in he is shouting me. I come out with an annoyed face and mouth I’m on the phone. He says I over reacted.
His main answer is it’s his opinion and why is my opinion more important than his. So I’m his opinion the guys on the train were not a threat so he didn’t feel the need to be quiet. In his opinion his driving was fine (it was fine but just wanted a little more distance between cars as it’s a trigger for me)
His opinion that the dog wouldn’t need to go away and we could manage it..
That kind of thing and more which makes me so confused as to if this is me

Witches that’s awful. See my things are silly

I knew a man who would do the 'word' thing.

For example, he would say 'all dogs bark.'

I would say 'that's not quite true, Bassenji don't bark they kind of warble, like a howl.'

He'd then say, 'oh yes, I know about those, that's why I said all dogs can bark, Bassenji CAN bark but they just don't.'

Me 'but you said all dogs bark.'

Him: 'No, I said all dogs CAN bark. OBVIOUSLY not all dogs DO bark, I mean, look at Bassenji, they don't bark, they kind of warble.'

(Not true example, but the sort of thing he'd say). Pointlessly nit picking because he'd discovered he was wrong and could not BEAR to ever be in the wrong when the other party was a woman (and, by inference, therefore less intelligent than him.)

God, I dodged a bullet with that one.

Yes. He has a huge problem being in the wrong! So much so he does and says things to excuse this.
I have no problem saying I’m in the wrong.
I know his mum was quite critical and feel it may come from here however I have pointed this out and tried to talk about it with him but obviously he sees me pointing out a flaw so won’t discuss it.
I am strong person - wasn’t quite as outspoken at first but as the years are going on in saying no more and challenging this and it’s causing problems.
Why doesn’t he feel ok at being wrong. Everyone is at times and it doesn’t mean you are a Bad person etc

@Luckybe40
Yes, that's me. I had a bit of a break but updated recently.
A dysfunctional family classic this week involving drunk SIL and MIL in my house after I hadn't seen them for 6 months.
And a perfect example of how my DH will not hear any wrong of mummy dearest.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?msgid=96436942

OP, if you Google 15 signs of the verbally abusive relationship do any of them ring a bell?

It doesn't sound like he cares about your feelings at all and then refuses to acknowledge that he's hurt you. It sounds exhausting and claustrophobic.

It's doing something and not only saying you didn't but making someone else think, feel and believe they actually did it

"I can't talk to you when you are like this" is a perfectly healthy sentence saying they don't like your behaviour, so they will stop the conversation there. They don't HAVE to listen to you or speak to you.

It could be gaslighting, it depends on context.
I had a friend at school who would randomly decide I was “in a mood with her”. She would keep saying it and saying she couldn’t be around me while I was in a mood. The more I tried to explain I wasn’t in a mood and everything was fine she would use my increasing frustration about the conversation to prove I was in a mood. She would then pointedly sit with someone else in lessons.
Any attempt on my part of reconciliation was met with “I can’t talk to you when you are like this” even though I was the one saying “let’s work this out”.

The next step was sending flying monkey / friends to ask “why I was in a mood with her, and why was I being so mean and excluding her. Any hint that I was annoyed such as “I wasn’t in a mood when this all started, but I am upset now” was taken as evidence that I was indeed in a mood and causing all the issues.
In essence it was all about her need for control and drama for the sake of it.

I felt like I was going mad.

These dramas usually blew out in a day or two and we are now no longer friends. I can’t imagine having to live like that permanently.

As someone who has been through it and still is having to deflect it due to our children I would describe it as coastal erosion in your sanity and sense of self.

It is relentless
It is deliberately dressed up as other things and performed in such a subtle scale as to be imperceptible to many untrained outsiders but it is devastating and traumatising

I can’t be sure as I have never really been physically hurt just threatened but before I left there were times I would have preferred to have been whacked about about rather than endure the constant emotional turmoil and distress, most of which involves me being pregnant or caring for a baby or baby and young children

So this just happened.. dh came home from the shop with some lilies to plant in the garden. Dd has heard lilies attract bugs so I googled it and it came up that they are posinous to cats so I went to dh. Calmly said oh no and explained and said notnto worry it’s one of those things and that I had never heard of plants being poisonous to cats etc. But dh is quite moody about it. I asked if he was ok and he said he was annoyed and I said that’s ok but I feel you blame me as you are in a
Mood. He said well yes as you won’t let me plant them out the front and then explained the cat would have to actually eat one to be poorly...
He then said it’s fine though.
But I feel really angry. Why can’t he say oh wow I never knew plants could do this etc glad you looked phew etc.
I feel he goes to moody all the time

The plants/lilies situation all sounds quite normal to me not gaslighting

Yes most probably maybe as I’m still wound up from other

See my things are silly

No, they're not silly. He's telling you that as far as he is concerned your feelings and opinions don't matter.

Mine said to my teen son I'm taking you off my will. Son, who was in his room minding his own business was a bit upset at this random statement. Husband then said its your mother's fault. Son relayed tale to me. I spoke to husband who denied mentioning his will to our son and said he was going to have words with him about lying....