Fear of confrontation

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Not sure this is exactly the right topic, but it does affect my relationships, with friends, family, neighbours, school parents etc.

I hate confrontation. But, I don't avoid it. I do it, if the need arises, and then feel like a total wreck.
When I ask third parties, (people who are usually very honest with me and not lairy, loudmouths), if I did the right thing, they say yes, that I did well with it and wasn't being an U, aggressive person.

Has anyone had this? I googled "fear of confrontation" and found lots of advice for people who fear confrontation and don't do it. Things like, what would you gain if you spoke up? etc. My problem is, that I do speak up and then I hate it so much that I tend to retreat if friendships look like they might be confrontational, eg WhatsApp school parents groups etc...I already had the fear from MN stories of these and then when things started to ring alarm bells, I felt I had to leave the group. Now, this alone is absolutely not a great loss to me at all. But I am wary of this pattern repeating itself until I can't manage to build any sort of friendship or relationship.

I have really close friends who I adore, and I've managed to maintain friendships with old friends, but when it comes to new groups of people, this is when I'm super wary.

Wondering if anyone has had similar and what you've done about it, if anything.

PS: I'm as feisty / robust as most MNetters while on MN btw, and no, I don't get the fear on here, so perhaps the answer is to only communicate with people on MN? Yeah? Totally normal and healthy .

What kind of confrontation do you mean? Do you mean assertiveness where you bring a problem to someone's attention and discuss it or do you mean, 'I'll tuck you in you caaah!'?

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Yes, I mean assertiveness. Although, if you have any advice on being BAD.ASS. I'll also take that (ok, not really ).

Assertiveness is like a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it. It's best to start small and to practice.

You approach assertiveness with the assumption that the other person is also reasonable. It's about getting both your needs met.

You can start in a shop for example. Someone pushes in front of you in the queue and you say, 'Excuse me but I was here first.' Assertiveness is not about being rude, aggressive or confrontational. You can be polite and put your point across. Don't raise your voice and walk away if they become rude or aggressive.

Thank you. This is good advice. I feel as if I am good at doing this, but then I feel horrendous. If it's strangers, I'm probably less effected by it, but if it's an acquaintance or part of a group like school parents, I'm all a bundle o' noives! I can't say no to stuff. Definitely think it's people please tendencies.

I think you're right and I need to practice, until it's natural.

Lots of people find it very difficult and feel the same as you afterwards. However, you have to approach with the thought that your needs are just as important as anyone else's. You'll find that you'll lose friends and there will be a kick back and you have to be prepared for that. The positive is the your self esteem will rise and you'll find it easier the more you do it.

People often say that you can't change other people, which is true, however, they don't tell you that other people can change in reaction to your changed behaviour.

It also helps to learn some stock phrases because you can be caught off guard. For example,

'I'll have to think about that. I'll get back to you tomorrow.'

Make sure you do get back to them with a decision and remember that you don't have to explain why you reached that decision.

The 3 C's Of Assertive Communication are:

Confidence – you believe in your ability to handle a situation.
Clear – the message you have is clear and easy to understand. Controlled – you deliver information in a calm and controlled manner.

If someone responds in a rude manner then say: 'Please don't speak to me like that' and exit the conversation.

Thank you. This is really useful