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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this passive aggressive behaviour, or am I going mad?

21 replies

Tuti · 18/07/2020 07:46

DP and I have been together 6 years and bicker often.
I actually find I don’t like him most of the time, he’s the opposite of laid back and it’s exhausting. He turns everything round on me and is moody. Last night we fell out and I want advice on whether I was UR.

We have 4 dc (2 from previous marriage) ranging from 2 to 15. Our 4 year old has suspected adhd and is incredibly hard work. I’ve really struggled through lockdown and yesterday was a bad day, I was in tears when he got home from work.

I usually bath the DC on a Friday (he does weekdays) while he cooks a curry (for Saturday) but was running behind with that nights dinner so he had to bath them.

I thought he was a bit put out by this...

I was chopping garlic and chillies for that night’s meal and asked whether he wanted me to do his for him too to save time so we could sit down and chill out once DC were in bed.

He said no, he’d do it. I said I might as well as it’ll save time. No, he wanted to do it.

Finish that nights meal and he clears his own plate away but not mine.

I ask if he wants pudding, no.

He then makes a deal of ‘asking’ me whether it’s ok for him to go and get a shower and go to bed now (as if I’d say no?!)

Some of these things seem really insignificant to anyone else but after years of being with him I know are loaded.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 18/07/2020 07:49

This specific incident sounds like it's a case of being tired and grumpy so snarky.

However it's a bit of a red herring isn't it? Because the bigger issue is that you're with someone you don't like most of the time.

That's not a healthy relationship for you and certainly not a healthy one for you to be modelling to your kids.

audweb · 18/07/2020 07:57

Honestly does it matter? You admit you don’t like him most of the time, I’m not sure why you would stay in a relationship like that. It’s not healthy to do that.

Original poster
Tuti · 18/07/2020 08:17

I don’t know if the alternative of being a single parent would be more stressful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuti · 18/07/2020 09:06

So he’s just had his lie in and I’ve kept the DC quiet since 6am and taken him breakfast in bed.

I was getting dressed and asked if he liked me new bra. You can see your nipple straight through it was his response.

When I said I didn’t care, I’m at the age where I don’t want to wear uncomfortable padded or underwired bras he said he literally doesn’t care what I wear under my clothes.

I said his responses were just rude and unnecessary and he said I shouldn’t ask his opinion then sulk. He thinks they look like granny bras.

This is his automatic response, that I’m sulking or he’s just being honest. It just so happens he never has anything nice to say.

OP posts:
audweb · 18/07/2020 10:42

From experience it’s far easier being a single parent than being in a miserable relationship. Not sure why you would want to continue being with someone you don’t like. Life is too short.

vikingwife · 18/07/2020 10:57

I’m just confused how the sheer bra was labelled a granny bra? It sounds quite provocative to have visible nip! I’ve always loved the sheer look but my boobs are all stretched out & love padding + underwire personally... you’ve inspired me to try one without underwire again just for the hell of it !

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/07/2020 12:11

So he’s just had his lie in and I’ve kept the DC quiet since 6am and taken him breakfast in bed

Why would you even do that???

This man is an arsehole who is literally not interested in spending time with you or anything you say and you're pandering to it...

Why?

Aerial2020 · 18/07/2020 12:27

When do you get your breakfast in bed?

Perfectstorm12 · 18/07/2020 12:29

You sound very unhappy and are walking on eggshells around someone you don't like. Sounds exhausting. Start making plans to leave and wear whatever bras you like, get up at 6am and make as much noise as your kids want to, and just remember that life is too short for this kind of rubbish. I know it's not as straightforward as that, but your instinct to post here is about leaving him. Listen to yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2020 12:33

You don’t like each other, the mutual sniping is exhausting to read so I can’t imagine how shit it is to live with. Your children are growing up thinking this is normal and how adult relationships are. You’re their role models and the picture they’re getting is grim.

If you know he never says anything positive why fish for compliments on your bra? You knew he wouldn’t be nice about it and didn’t like the opinion he gave you. If you resent him lying in then don’t take him breakfast in bed. You know better than anyone here what the motivation behind his language or plate clearing etc is. If you can’t change the dynamic then you have to split up. It’s toxic and unhealthy. Being lonely on your own, if that’s what you’re worried about, is way less lonely than being lonely in a supposed partnership.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 18/07/2020 12:44

Start planning your exit and looking forward to the blissful weekends to come when all dc's are at their dads and you can have a lie in and do whatever you like for the first time in a decade. Well thats what I did, and its great.

backseatcookers · 18/07/2020 12:50

You don’t like each other, the mutual sniping is exhausting to read so I can’t imagine how shit it is to live with. Your children are growing up thinking this is normal and how adult relationships are. You’re their role models and the picture they’re getting is grim.

Exactly this. Really sad.

LessCumbersome · 18/07/2020 12:56

It does sound exhausting. I know people like your husband, I tend to avoid them. It just sounds joyless and like an uphill climb.

How long have you been together?

Shoxfordian · 18/07/2020 12:56

It doesn't sound as though he has any respect for you. If you don't even like him then you're just wasting your time with him

LessCumbersome · 18/07/2020 12:57

Sorry , I read... 6 years. It honestly sounds like you've been together for five times that and are just at the stage of tolerating each other.

funnylittlefloozie · 18/07/2020 14:29

I dont take my DP breakfast in bed, and i like him! If your DH is a perpetual arsehole to you and you dont like him, why are you fluttering around him bringing him breakfast in bed and asking his opinions on your underwear? Stop setting yourself up for disappointment!

Original poster
Tuti · 18/07/2020 17:00

Thanks everyone Flowers

So Saturday is his lie in, mine is Sunday.

Today has been ok, no more run ins so far, just feel quite despondent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuti · 18/07/2020 17:02

Great advice from everyone though and I need to seriously consider how to extract myself from the situation

OP posts:
Sssloou · 18/07/2020 17:22

Sounds like a very contemptuous and resentful relationship on both sides. There is no need to be actively submerged in this toxic soup.

This is having a v negative impact on all of your DCs. They will be sensing, absorbing and internalising this negatively, dark atmosphere and hostility. They most likely won’t understand it but will be confused and subconsciously believe it is normal and something to do with them. Their emotional development is being compromised here and they will start displaying behaviour issues/low mood/poor discipline which if they continue to be raised in this negative environment will lead on to chronic MH issues in early adulthood.

Either you and your OH talk this through and take responsibility for changing or you separate. Your DCs need a calm and peaceful home, with a gentle positive atmosphere where everyone behaves with kindness and respect to each other. They don’t deserve this.

I suspect the ADHD may well improve once your DCs are in a non hostile environment.

What happened with your first RS? Is there a pattern of staying in difficult relationships.

Life is much easier on your own with 4 DCs than together with a miserable, obstructive, sabotaging partner. You realise how much of your finite emotional and physical energy is drained resisting them. You will feel energised throwing off this shackle.

SeahorseSaddle · 18/07/2020 17:32

A regularly passive aggressive partner is an abusive partner people, it's really insidious and really hard to explain to other people what is going on when you are on the receiving end of it.

What may seem a small insignificant matter to others is just a small part of a larger pattern that plays out all day, every single day and is exhausting, crazy making, confusing etc

OP it's like death of a thousand cuts to live with a passive aggressive partner and it is abuse if that is whats going on here. If so you really need to get out for yours and the childrens' sake or they may end up learning this stellar life skill too Sad

MiniCooperLover · 18/07/2020 17:41

OP, you don't like him, he doesn't like you (I'm sorry but clearly he doesn't). Cut your losses and leave. It's amazing how some men often become better parents when they have to do it themselves. And stop bloody keeping the kids quiet and bringing him breakfast. Does he do that on your lie in ?!

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