Why?

[Glitteris]

I've been separated from my exdp for 6 months and it's been mostly Nc besides a odd email.

I've been fine throughout, didn't really feel upset. I think that's because I left him in my head months before and how many times can you cry over someone.

But the last week I keep thinking about calling him!
Like I will be sitting watching our ds playing in the sand at the park, and think ' oh I'll call X to tell him' or if I'm on the way home from the farm I'll think ' oh I'll call x'

And I don't know why? It didn't happen for months, plus I don't actually want to talk to him at all. He's been Nc with out ds too.
Which has really shocked me.
Didn't even check on him through lockdown, has missed his bday etc.

Has anyone got an idea why I keep doing this? I know it's just a thought but it's pissing me off.

I don't even have his number 🤦🏽‍♀️

Maybe you're just feeling a bit lonely. Could be time to start dating again. Or maybe get a wee pet for company.

@Bunnymumy it could be without me realising as I don't feel lonely at all.

But I do have serious trust issues, so I'll be staying away from men for a while🤣

Maybe just a desire to fix things/have ended things on a good note.

Or rose tinted glasses for the 'good' times.

Or maybe just an intrusive thought like when you are walking over a bridge and think 'I could throw my keys in the water' xD

The only thing I can think of is an unconscious trigger is happening. Is it the time of year? The weather? Has a programme started on the TV you watched together? Has someone came into your life that reminds you of him?

Is it because your son is getting older?... I remember thinking about my child getting older and my husband was in my thoughts of where we would be, what we would do. ..... So when you are watching your son playing, in your past memories you ex was there?

I think it's natural though, a form of grief. I'm glad you're coping well with it, it sounds hard xx

it could definitely be an unconscious trigger is just so annoying.
Because it doesn't come with any other emotion, I don't feel happy or sad when I have this thought.

It probably is the weather and the pattern of repeating the same activities but without the communication without ex.

I worry so much about regressing in to the weak person I was.

Was it maybe triggered by your son's birthday?

Try going to different places, thereby making new memories, find different activities, different games you can play with DS. Try and make new friends - anything that can shout 'new, exciting, different life!' to your brain.

Him missing your son’s birthday is unforgivable imo so maybe try and focus on that when you have these thoughts.

Something has triggered this. Try and figure out what it is. Easier said than done I know.

I do try to do more things with my dm and go other places, creating new memories.

My ex worked shifts so I spent huge amount of time without him, doing things alone with ds but the thing that was constant was calling to let him know what and where we were.

That's what I have such a issues with.

How he's treated our ds is disgusting, and I feel no other way but pitty for him being such a self-centred person.

The only contact I had with him, he requested his last items, mention our ds in passing ( I would like to see him ) and told me how hard the last 6 months were for him 🤦🏽‍♀️

Has anyone else experienced this?

It's the feeling of checking in with him that makes me feel like I haven't fully recovered from his control

Any decent man would have made an effort to see him . Don't think for a minute that it is because of you that he hasn't seen your son . These things are in our brain - they just surface every now and again . I was in a near car accident and was horrified to call out my ex husband's name ( probably because he was a shit driver ) . It happens.

I think you are missing having a person to share everyday little things with. You don’t realise how important it is to be able to just chat about small stuff until you don’t have someone there to share it with. My dm was my go to for that when I left my ex many moons ago. We’d have a phone chat daily, and I’d message her pointless stuff through the day. I think it’s just having someone acknowledge what your up to.
Do you have an Instagram account? It might help to post some pics of the things that are going on/where you’ve been as a replacement for telling someone.
Your ex dp is an arse if he can’t be bothered to make an effort for your sons birthday, or even ask how he is. Best wishes for your future.

It probably is not having that person there, because as much as he was controlling and abusive he did it such a way I didn't realise for a very long time.

It was emotional and he play the caring dp and father so well at times and now all that is left it an empty space.

Missing our ds bday is a crap thing but to me it's worse that not once did he check his ds was ok through lockdown, No check up on the ds he pretended to love and was there from the moment he was born.
That is what I find unforgivable, especially as he did contact me to collect some crap from the shed 🤦🏽‍♀️

I do have great friends and family hopefully it will just pass.
Thank you for everyone's advice.

I don't feel so weird now or that he's right I do need him. Which I bloody don't

What kind of things did he do to control you.?Subtle manipulations like this can be a total head fuck because it takes you a long time to even notice that it's happening, and then it's so easy to say to yourself, that you are the problem not him.

I have been in a controlling relationship, not as bad as some but enough to feel trapped. It is part and parcel of abuse.

I ended up snapping. I completely lost it at the end of the relationship, I said to him "you like fucking around with my insecurities so much?, Let's see how much you like it. I am going to screw with yours." Then I proceeded to tell him a few truths. I was so angry I couldn't stop myself. And I shouldn't have did it, it was dangerous. But it worked, it got him out of my life.

Maybe write a letter saying something similiar to him, get it all all and then burn it, destroy it. It couldn't do any harm.

@LessCumbersome I'm a really up beat person, it's my default to find the positives, I do my best not to dwell on the negatives.

And he was always playing the victim with everything and everyone, he played on MH. He had two sides to him, really fun and supportive and then boom it's my bday and he's depressed & confesses he's been cheating on me.
Even when I was in labour he decided to confess he believed he was gay, to later say no he isn't it was just the stress of the lo arriving. He would threaten to kill himself if I left and would actually mark himself as proof.
He would cry if I went out with my friends, once every 3 months - day trip to Brighton, he would want me to call and text constantly even if he couldn't reply, he said just knowing how I was and what I was up to got him through his day.

Even writing this it sounds so obvious that he's abusive, but I still think does it really though.
It's hard to understand what I actually went through, and not be so angry at myself for staying so long. But it's hard because you just want to be a supportive partner and men have such trouble opening up about MH that I didn't want to jump to that's a red flag and In fact he was actually struggling.

It's a good idea, I think I'll write him a letter but I won't send it, I'll do it for me.
The last time I saw him, he was screaming at me and I just looked straight through him and closed the door.
I believe that hurt him more than any words.