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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this what I think it is?

44 replies

yourthoughtsplease · 17/07/2020 22:51

I could really use some outside opinions. I cannot discuss with friends, family or DH. Not yet.

Today I have been helping DH of 6 years with some work admin. In emails I see an order via an online pharmacy from November last year for a genital warts treatment. I didn't know anything about this. Probably shouldn't have clicked on it, but I did.

I do not have, nor have ever had, warts of any kind.

Is this what I think it is?

We have a great relationship. I can't believe it. Could it be anything else!?

OP posts:

LessCumbersome · 18/07/2020 00:01

I don't think the problem here is that the OPs partner has genital warts. It's that he had a reason not to disclose this information. That's the issue surely?

GilbertMarkham · 18/07/2020 00:04

*I know but... What I meant is , if I got an STD and had nothing to hide, i would tell my partner. No doubt. To not tell them is immoral surely?

There's no good reason not to disclose this information.*

Exactly.

I once had an outbreak of hsv from oral sex (my partner of the time, who must have had an active cold sore virus though no sore was visible, infected me with it while performing oral sex). The only fortunate thing was that hsv 2 infections like that tend to not recur and that has been the case so far, it hasn't recurred. I wasn't sure if I could infect someone with hsv 2 through sex or oral sex (on me), but I found out in time through the internet that there's a v small risk. So I naturally told my husband about that as soon as I found out. (I'd told him about the infection back then anyway beforehand). That's what any decent person would do.

backseatcookers · 18/07/2020 00:04

The fact he hasn't told you is possibly the worst thing about this. He's treated himself but not you...?

How does that even work if you're still sleeping together - can you not get them again once you've had treatment?

Regardless of when / how he got them, a person being so selfish as to seek medical treatment for something contagious but not tell their partner so they can seek medical treatment too is disgraceful and I couldn't forgive that.

Doggybiccys · 18/07/2020 00:11

@LessCumbersome - there are over 100 strains of HPV and it is so common that the US Centre for Disease Control reckon that almost all sexually active people will be infected at some point in their lifetime. In fact, it doesn’t need to be penetrative sex - any skin to skin contact in the genital area and oral sex can spread it. Most people will have no symptoms and be unaware they are infected and the body’s immune system clears the infection within 2 years.

So yes, 80 % plus is true but most people will not remain infectious as per the point above about the body clearing it.

GilbertMarkham · 18/07/2020 00:12

Since they started hpv testing in the NHS, lots of women have been in a similar position, my sister is one of them..she runs marathons and is like superwoman yet her system hasn t cleared one of those strains of HPV. She was told smoking might be a factor in it not "clearing" but she hasn't snoked for years.

I read that it was uncommon for someone not to "clear" the virus after a while; yet so many women I know (and on here) have said they're being told they've got an uncleared hpv strain.

The vaccine that's been given fir a few years now should help immensely for the younger generations of women.

LessCumbersome · 18/07/2020 00:14

My point is, if I discovered i had genital warts and I hadn't been screwing around I would have absolutely no issue in telling my partner. I could tell him I got it previous to the relationship. I would KNOW I got it previous to the relationship.

So why didn't he?

GilbertMarkham · 18/07/2020 00:14

Sorry that was @Regretsy rather than the op.

LessCumbersome · 18/07/2020 00:15

Or I would know I got in from my partner, even more reason to tell him .

There is no GOOD reason not to disclose this information.

GilbertMarkham · 18/07/2020 00:16

*My point is, if I discovered i had genital warts and I hadn't been screwing around I would have absolutely no issue in telling my partner. I could tell him I got it previous to the relationship. I would KNOW I got it previous to the relationship.

So why didn't he?*

This.

I think he'll run with "embarrasment" but how true that is ... Plus it's irresponsible to your health.

GilbertMarkham · 18/07/2020 00:18

and the body’s immune system clears the infection within 2 years.

I've since read that it could be not cleared exactly, but dormant. If i understood what I read correctly.

Queenoftheashes · 18/07/2020 00:50

I understood something like 96 percent of cases of warts-causing hpv are cleared within three years. Smears now test for it. I caught warts after a similar find. Saw warticon in his room, he said it was for his finger, I then got warts and he admitted he had them first.
Anyway at my last smear they said no hpv found and it’s never reoccurred (in 9 years). I did quite a lot of research at the time, being keen to ensure the virus would leave, and if I were you I wouldn’t believe this was an infection that predates your relationship.

IJustWantSomeBees · 18/07/2020 01:10

He may just be embarrassed and think that there’s no need to tell you since the vast majority of us have it anyway

From your updates it seems you think cheating is definitely a possibility though

Buggedandconfused · 18/07/2020 01:14

Has he got a verruca? There is a cream for genital warts that can be used for them - an ex of mine used it on his, prescribed by foot doc.

BabyBrainJane · 18/07/2020 02:15

A lot of clutching at straws here by others... OP 💐

He had an active outbreak of genital warts to the point that he needed to treat them.
He avoided going through normal channels for treatment by going online.
He never mentioned a single word about it to you but carried on having sex with you.

That doesn’t add up to a good and innocent explanation in my book. Sorry x

copperoliver · 18/07/2020 03:48

I do think if someone has had them before they can have a flare up at anytime apparently the virus can lay dormant.
But I'd get checked with your doctor and ask her all the facts, she can probably print off some paperwork for you to read too. X

Dreamcatcher34 · 18/07/2020 06:27

I think if he’d never cheated and suddenly developed warts, he would be looking at you and asking if you’d cheated. If he’s had them for a long time, you should have been told before now.

I would be thinking the same as you- it sounds dodgy.

youhave4substitutes · 18/07/2020 07:35

"A nurse told me that hpv is so common that there isn’t a test."

Rubbish, they routinely test for it now during a smear

Regretsy · 18/07/2020 11:17

@youhave4substitutes sorry i wasn’t clear, I meant an STI test at the clinic as in not a smear. So men can’t be tested as far as I’m aware.

Iris27 · 18/07/2020 16:31

The smear test only tests for certain strains of hpv, i don't think the wart strain is included. So you were right @Regretsy

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