Partner A Sociopath?

[SingleDad5050]

Hello, does anyone have any experience of dealing with a sociopathic personality in a relationship (I believe this would be an actual PD diagnosis)

About 14 month ago (about 3 years into the relationship) a BIG penny dropped. I did not go and review what a sociopathic personality exhibited then make the traits fit - rather it was the other way round

The main issues are

Cannot apologise, accept responsibility or recognise fault

When confronted with any wrong doing immediately goes on the attack with a “forget what I’ve done that’s terrible, let’s see if we can try and find something that you’ve done” mentality

Will try to act the victim in all circumstances (not an actual example but reflective of the mentality): she would accidentally leave an email open on my PC which would be an untrue / derogatory /sharing very personal info about me with a friend. Rather than accepting that she has betrayed trust, lied, been nasty - her only standpoint would be “you invaded my privacy”.

Again, that’s not an actual real life example but is very reflective of the type situation

Tells lots of lies, many simply pointless. Actual example: was telling an anecdotal story about her dog that would run with her and was highly trained. Would always run to heel. Mentioned as we were watching a TV doc about police dogs.

2 weeks later when I mentioned my dog runs in circles when excited, she told the exact same story but this time the same dog always ran in circles around her (forgetting what she had previously said). She 32

Very arrogant and doesn’t see that anyone can know better or have more experience than her unless she perceives them to be in a “superior role”.

There are other such factors as well relating to classic sociopathic behaviour

Frankly I’m only in this relationship still for her kids but it’s coming to a head now as I’m too fed up.

But I wanted to see if these sorts of traits do actually equate to what I believe they do, whether there is anything that can be done to improve this situation and what other people’s experiences are in a similar relationship.

Sorry for typos - written quickly on phone.

That could be several personality disorders- mainly narcissistic maybe. In reality, most people with a personality disorder also have traits of other personality disorders.

A sociopath (someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder) I think would go out of their way to harm people more than that- not just in an argument. For instance I believe I met one and he enjoyed raping people.

All of us have some personality disorder traits.

What matters is your partner is annoying/hurting you- instead of spending your time wondering what her diagnosis is, start planning to separate from her.

Nothing can improve the situation unless she decides to go into therapy and genuinely works on herself (which is rare in a person with a personality disorder- especially as it doesn't seem to be causing her distress herself.)

Sounds like your relationship is not working, I don’t see anything there that looks like anti-social PD but I’m not a psychiatrist.

My ex-H had many anti-social traits, it’s a case of being actively harmful while persuing their own agenda. So he would assault me in my sleep, that kind of thing.

I agree with @SoulofanAggron.

My ex was like this, mainly narcissistic traits. He would probably fall into a category of a Cluster B personality disorder.

I found him incredibly difficult to be with over time and his behaviour got worse as time went on. He would tell my stories to other people like it had happened to him, he would set me up to fail and take great glee in it, if he did/got something wrong he would turn it on me, he liked to embellish his interactions with other people which was so pointless (for instance once he told me ‘then I told my mum that if she was going to be like that then I’d take her straight back home’ but when I spoke to his Mum he had said no such thing!).
He also would relay the same stories over and over and when I spoke he was not interested at all. He would quickly swing the conversation back to being about him. My achievements in life weren’t recognised by him but yet if he got one small thing right it was like I had to kneel at his feet and worship him. He was also ALWAYS the victim. He loved playing that card ferociously.

I found it terribly confusing and so much hard work for a relationship. I was miserable in the end. Trying to get someone like that to seek help is difficult because they don’t think that anything is wrong with them and because they are always right or always the victim, it’s not theirselves that are the problem. It’s everyone else of course because that is their mentality.

Thanks @SoulofanAggron. I wouldn’t say that she undertakes overt malicious action. But certainly without making what seems to be concerted effort then at best she’s indifferent to the feelings and needs of others.

Narcissist. The main difference is that a sociopath will fuck with people just for fun. And are v cruel.

Narcissistic PD doesn't present as being overly enamoured with oneself despite how it sounds

Yes. The guy I was with was later diagnosed by a court appointed psychiatrist and is now in prison. In his case it was more that the rules didn't apply to him, or if he disagreed with them, they were wrong.

He had no empathy at all. I could fall and hurt myself and he would just continue on with what he was doing, irritated by the interruption. Very manipulative and sometimes he would look at me with shark eyes. I now know he thought frequently about hurting or killing me and he was also horrible to the cats without outright hitting or kicking them - I couldn't trust him to feed them for example. He would also only do things that benefitted him, so he might cook dinner but he wouldn't get me painkillers from the kitchen if I had a migraine.

During the court case he was called a danger to society and to anyone that stood in the way of something he wanted. I immediately recognised that in him. Luckily when I did split with him it was something that benefitted him so he went quietly without any fuss at all

Are you someone who likes to fix people, OP? You don't mention leaving?

Has she been in trouble with the law?
Does she have a history of of conning people, unethical behaviour at work?
Does she do extremely risky impulsive behaviour?

What wrong doing do you confront her about?

Another vote for narcissist.

don’t think she has anything diagnosable except a dysfunctional relationship. You aren’t being a hero by staying, you are continuing the problem.
Whining on a parenting site doesn’t mean you are doing anything except not fixing it by leaving.
Do you both a favour and leave.

Does it matter what label the behaviour has really?

It's an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship and by staying with her you aren't helping her kids because you will leave eventually and they will have yet another disappointment to deal with.

The longer you stay the bigger their disappointment will be when you leave (assuming they like you).

And from your username you are a father yourself? What about your kids? You're happy with bringing someone dysfunctional and toxic into their lives for (what you see as) the sake of her children?

You're romanticising your role in this dynamic and need to take accountability for the amount of headspace you're allowing something so unhealthy to take up when you should be prioritising your children and your own mental health.

What backseatcookers said. ^

Agree with @backseatcookers

Also second @DianaT1969 question.

You're wasting your time by trying to slap a label on it instead of removing yourself from what is clearly a toxic situation.

Also just to add personality disorders are not treatable OP.

Sounds just like my ex-husband. He lied, he stole from me, he bullied and put me down all the time. He laughed when I fell over, and left me in hospital alone for days when I had a blood clot during pregnancy. I was admitted for day surgery post-natally, and they had to keep me in. He went mad with the nursing team for refusing to discharge me, and our son...as he didn't see why he had to come visiting at the hospital when he had work to do! I had a huge post-surgery scar, and he was smirking at me as I tried to get up to walk. He threw stuff at me, berated me about everything and anything...he pushed me up against walls, broke my ornaments and dumped my possessions in the bin.

He left me to take myself to hospital when I was having a miscarriage, and went on a lads holiday. I had to walk home from the hospital and lose the baby alone! I had another miscarriage with a sick baby at home...he did the same, went on a 2-week holiday leaving me recovering from D&C at home with a small child who was having investigations for seizures and jaundice at the time. It was all about him, his stress, his needs, his need to see family, his work schedules, his tiredness...

He spent our entire marriage telling me how I did everything wrong, and would move my keys etc to stop me leaving the house. He undermined every effort I made to improve family life, and was abusive to my family. Turns out he was going to sex clubs and involved with other shady people who were acting criminally. Very vain, and a clear narcissist...just like your partner. It all has to be about them, they operate in a mindset that goes ME, ME, ME. No empathy or understanding of anyone else. While therapy may help, it is difficult and challenging to manage personality disorders especially when the person does not see themselves as in the wrong. Do what I did, leave...your life would be so much happier. My ex used to manipulate me after we divorced and get favours. He continued to abuse me more discretely...telling me I was getting old, did not look pretty anymore, no one decent would want me, I was a burden...he wasn't safe during lockdown (meeting strangers for sex) so I banned him from any contact with me at all. LIfe is great and happy now...please leave this person, they will never change. They don't see themselves as sick or mentally unwell.

Personality disorders ARE treatable, with CAT, DBT, schema therapy, mentalisation based therapy.

The client had to be ready and willing to do the work mind.

OP stop obsessing about how to work this person out and focus on getting your own house in order.

@JudyGemstone The client had to be ready and willing to do the work mind

And the only way that happens is if there's sonethjng substantial in it for them - which there isn't in their eyes ususlly. And it takes YEARS.

BPD is more likely to get treated. But the other two? No fucking way.