Don’t want friend’s kids around my own kids

[Aristi450]

Hi I’m looking for some help with a difficult situation.

I have a really good friend called Jenny. Jenny has 3 boys, 2 of them a similar age to my own. One of Jenny’s ds’s isn’t hers. He is her ex partner’s who she has adopted (his mum died and dad ran off with OW). This boy has seen some horrendous things that no 7 year old should. His mum was a drug addict and prostitute and he was removed from her for neglect and abuse. Now his dad has left and no one seems to know where he is.

Jenny is trying her best but this little
boy is out of control. We often do things together but he is so aggressive, his language is disgusting, he has hurt my younger children, he has stolen from me and broken furniture. He has no respect for anyone or anything.

However none of this is his fault, he’s reacting to the terrible situation he’s found himself it. Jenny has asked the school, doctor and social worker for help but not much has come of it, they’re stretched and don’t seem to realise how serious this is.

However, I can’t have him in my house any longer. He has no respect for my younger children or my belongings. However, Jenny has been a good friend to me and
I want to support her, not alienate her when she’s going through a hard time. How can I deal with this so to protect my own children but keep our friendship?

You see her in adult time, if possible. Evenings out etc.

I have a similar though not so severe situation. My friend had three boys (aged 3, 5 and 8) and although I love my friend and she has been my friends for twenty plus years, I do not love her children. They are wild, their language is appalling (the eldest thinks it's funny to teach younger children to say 'c**t') and I don't want them around my 2 and 4 year olds.

She is a wonderful person but she was always fairly wild growing up and is raising her children the same way she was raised. Which doesn't fit with how I parent. So I don't see her as a parent friend. She's my grown up friend, and I see her at grown up time.

If I didn't love her, and really value her friendship I would have cut her off long ago over this though I have to say. Those boys are going to be hellraisers in a few years.

I agree, keep her as a friend without children around or at least until he more settled.

OP, she is trying to do her best for her children....

You need to do what's best for yours.

However difficult her situation is, you need to do what's best for your children.

Your children are very small, it is not in their best interest to be around such behaviour.

Maintain an adult relationship with Jenny if you wish, but protect your children.

Thanks for your replies. It’s tricky because our kids all go to the same school and they are friends. I agree they can’t be around them any more but I’m not sure how to actually go about it, ideally without causing Jenny any upset.

I agree they can’t be around them any more but I’m not sure how to actually go about it, ideally without causing Jenny any upset.

I don't see how you can avoid upsetting her. But that doesn't mean you are wrong in any way at all. Your first responsibility is to your children, who do not deserve to be frightened and harmed and have their home damaged by Jenny's poor little boy. I am sure she will be upset- I would be; I am equally sure that you are being perfectly reasonable. Sometimes upsetting people cannot be avoided. It's a bloody upsetting situation all round, sounds like.

Can you meet outside your respective houses? Perhaps a long country walk, adventure playground, beach...where the boy can run around, let off steam and be in a less contained situation?

Very sad situation though. I feel sorry for Jenny.

I think you need an honest conversation and if you feel able to offer support. Maybe she could have a look at the therapeutic parenting Facebook group? She needs help and fast with this poor soul. If I were you I'd still have him to give her a break but only for an hour or so at a time when I could be fully present with this boy and help facilitate his interactions while protecting the little ones. This kid has been through hell and desperately needs people to to step up for him.

As hard as it is to be honest with a struggling friend you owe it to your DC. Can you set rules for behaviour in your home?
DS has taken a shine to a boy age 5 too, this boy is in the middle of 5 DC he roams the streets all day breaking things, I've avoided a friendship forever but they clicked. DS has SN and is obsessive.
I give his new friend the rules on arrival no smacking no bad language so far he gets it, this DC is a terror though it is not his fault no one gives a shit about him at home.

Just have an adult relationship with her.

Jenny will find a lot of people will feel the same. He needs help and she wants to find it - he may mature
-he may settle down

But until then you need adult time only

Thanks for your help everyone. I feel better knowing that I’m not unreasonable in feeling like this!