A question about keeping the house in divorce due to abuse!

[Fightingback16]

So I fled from the family home in Feb 2019 because of abuse. I was in shock for a long time which later turned into PTSD.

I tired to reason with my husband whilst the divorce was being settled ( he has dragged it out for 2 years now), so that I could return with our child. I moved in with my mum and child, he has had no contact since December and still not made an application. He hated me so refused to move out, installed cctv and threatened me if I tried to return. Which just triggered my PTSD. I have this on text messages. He said if I brought in lawyers he would make me suffer. His actions worked because I was too unwell to do anything....

Cut forward to today. I filed my financial proceedings application and we have the first hearing in Sept. I really want to return home as living with my mum who has M.S is hard. She needs peace and quiet, me and my 4 year old can’t do that. I can’t afford to buy another house so really wanted to try and move back. I can afford yo take over the house and all bills.

Do you think that given I’ve been out of the family home for so long will it go against me? It all seems so very unfair, I really didn’t want to leave my home but he threatened my life and then I’ve just been in complete shock from my 12 year long very abusive marriage. I had to leave because I was loosing grip on me mental state.

I think leaving the house is usually a mistake yes in terms of keeping residency of it in a divorce.

Yes I can see it was a mistake now but I didn’t have a choice in my actions at the time, I was terrified of my husband. I’ve been so unwell. I wish this had never happened.

Do you have a solicitor helping you?
You are entitled to half of all assets.
Is the house owned or rented?
Do you have the abuse recorded properly with police?
Of course you had to leave.
Doesn't mean half that house isn't yours.
The courts can force a sale or he has to buy you out.
Are you in contact with him at all?
Is he paying the mortgage/rent and bills himself?

Would there not be too many bad memories and views that would trigger flashbacks in that house? Personally, I’d want to get my half the assets, including from sale of family home and then live in a new home where I can just have good memories.

There are bad memories but there are also lots of good memories. The house was my mums family home. We had it half price after my grandad died. (We jointly owned it)My dad and myself did the house up together before my dad passed alway.

I just wondered really if me leaving the home would go against me trying to get it back...obviously it goes on needs. He is such a bastard for scaring me out of my own families home (although we jointly own it now).

You need a solicitor. If he is entitled to half your house, you might be in a sticky situation. Get proper legal advice, and please dont let him bully you.

I have emailed my solicitor this question but no reply yet. There are lots of different needs we have. For example I have our child full time as he isn’t allowed contact. I just wondered if it would go in his favour as he is living in the house because he forced me out.

You will be entitled to at least half the assets in the marriage, perhaps more as you are sole carer for your child. The court will just make sure you get your share, it will not allocate specific items like the house to one side or the other. If your DH can afford to buy you out of the house it might be difficult for you to refuse.

As others have said you need to see a solicitor.

Oh I thought that’s what the court was for. I thought they could issue Meshers and if they deem it necessary they could allocate the house for a later sale.

They can do that OP.
As it is your family home that would probably go in your favour as well.
The fact he is a cunt and has been in your house means nothing.
They will take the needs of the child as first step.
Get this to court ASAP!

@hellsbellsmelons I have the first court date end of September. I know I can’t change what’s happened but I’m gutted I left. I can only say that now I am stronger.

Will they not take into account the coercive control and the threats and the fact he lives in a 3 bed whilst me and dd share a room?

He hasn’t seen dd since December because I had to stop contact. He hasn’t applied for contact.

You can certainly make your case on the abuse but that doesn't mean they will consider it as part of asset sharing.
It's always worth a try though.

You are entitled to half the assets as a starting point, possibly more in case of sole custody.

He is also entitled to half of the assets - the law protects both of you, even though in this situation it feels like the loss of your family home.

Focus on the long goal - a fair settlement, enough to buy a smaller place for you and you child, and a life free of him.

Hire a solicitor you trust - I am in the SW and used an excellent female solicitor who I felt really understood the abuse element. Then pass that stress to the solicitor, and focus on getting well.

Houses can be replaced. Your mental health is priority.

Feel free to PM me if you are in the same area

[quote Fightingback16]@hellsbellsmelons I have the first court date end of September. I know I can’t change what’s happened but I’m gutted I left. I can only say that now I am stronger.

Will they not take into account the coercive control and the threats and the fact he lives in a 3 bed whilst me and dd share a room?[/quote]
The grounds of the divorce does not impact the settlement.

I paid 6k in legal fees (he paid none), 4k in intensive psychotherapy over 2 years to get to grips with the coercive control, and paid 5k in furniture/ moving and housing costs as he stayed in the marital home - I did not get to 'claim this back' through the settlement. I took 50% of the equity and moved on.

I have a solicitor, she was recommended to me by the local domestic abuse service I used before lockdown. I have yet to hear her interpretation on the possible outcome.

It is very hard to come to terms with that the abuse element doesn’t seem to be taken into account when as we know it’s the whole thing!

totally agree re the unfairness of this.

It’s difficult because there is no consequences for them, no way to get them back. They deserve to pay but they won’t.

Generally the house is sold and equity split. Mesher orders are rare and typically used for long marriages where the children are in the middle of exams for instance. The reason for the ending of a relationship is not taken into account when assets are split.

So the fact he remained in the house and I left will have no benefit to him?

@Fightingback16

So the fact he remained in the house and I left will have no benefit to him?

No, the court will look at the assets accrued during the marriage, and start with 50/50, and then take into account who has custody which may shift that ratio.

I know it is unfair, and I think many people confuse the divorcing of finances, which is an objective legal process, and the divorcing of emotions which is painful and messy. And they want the money side to somehow reflect that emotional side.

He will get his justice for his poor treatment of you, it just won't be through the money you get in a financial settlement.

It helped me when I realised that the finances were free of emotion - it is simple maths really.

You and you alone can move on from what he did and make a better life for yourself.

Good luck OP

I wouldn't rely on a mersher. Friend left abusive marriage, house had to be sold as she couldn't get the mortgage together to buy him out. If you could do that, it may be different. I know from my own relationship that assets were simply split according to need, it didn't matter at all that he was abusive.