How do I let go of this grudge?

[Newtat]

I met my BF 2.5 years ago. We had an amazing first 6 months then real life kicked in we were both stressed with work and I for some reason started not trusting him. We split up a couple of months past this and he shagged his “friend” (Not surprisingly, the one I had an issue with).
After this we went nc for 3 months. Then decided to rekindle and try again. So 18 months later the relationship is good, my trust in him is back (mostly) mainly because he doesn’t keep anything from me, open access to all devices, home, car, finances. It’s the relationship I feel we should of been working towards before we split.
I love our relationship and the way it is now, I love him and his children and he’s amazing with my children too. We have a great step family set up between our separate homes but I can’t forget the beginning, I think about it every day.
He talks about getting married and when talks about the future he calls me his wife.

I don’t want to get married, when I first met him I did, I wanted to fall in love again with a man I wanted to marry (I left my husband after lots of emotional abuse and I ended up having an EA with a colleague so felt I hadn’t been in a loving relationship for many years)
I thought my bf was the one but because of everything that happened I don’t feel the same any more.

I do love my life with him but should I want to marry him? And what about getting a house together? I’m happy to do this as would save us money and we moved into his for the lockdown anyway, I could rent mine out and put that into the bills account as my contribution but I’m just so unsure about it all now. I wish I could put it behind me and that it didn’t crop up every day

Hi there, what is your biggest fear and/or uncertainty?

What were the specific issues and his specific behaviours after the first 6 months that caused you to not trust him and leave him?

@Windmillwhirl my biggest uncertainty is that it happens again, another stressful time and we won’t be strong enough to cope.
@Sssloou just certain behavior, starting avoiding me, the more he pulled away the more I asked for more and the more he pulled away again. He would stay late at work, go away with friends and we didn’t get any time together. He started making me feel he just wanted a casual thing that was about sex, I didn’t feel important and I stopped enjoying it and told him I didn’t want to do it anymore.

Once the trust is gone, it can never be the same again. I think you deserve better and you know that, you can't be really convince yourself to marry him when you don't want to.

I think grudge is the wrong g word. He deeply hurt you and I think your fears are 100% understandable.

Did you ever talk about why he did what he did in any depth? Was he young and afraid to commit? Unsure about where things were heading?

There are no guarantees in any relationship. Even couples that appear strong can eventually end in heartbreak.

Likewise, like everyone you will face stress again in your relationship. That's a part of life.

Would you consider therapy for yourself? It may help process your feelings and decide if this is a relationship worth saving.

Do you feel a bit miffed that now he has decided he wants marriage he is calling the shots? Not sure if you do, just throwing that out there.

I agree with what Windmill has said, nothing is certain in life. Can you just take some pressure off yourselves a bit and enjoy what you have for a while? It sounds like he’s doing all he can to convince you that he’s all in.

Make sure you’ve got things going on for yourself though, friends, hobbies, work.

This isn't a grudge, though!

He showed you that he's a flake. So you don't necessarily trust him.

That's common sense, not a grudge.

Ok he may have changed. It may have been that he was in a very different place blah blah. BUT. Really that line of argument only works if you're a pair of 22 year olds with a lot of growing up to do. He's a divorced adult with children. He should know what honesty and responsibility are, it's not rocket science. He wasn't straight with you (and you know, in your heart, that was at least partly because he had his eye on someone else at the time, was ditchering... and ended up shagging her.)

He's probably a nice decent ok guy, but no, I wouldn't be jumping to throw all my security out of the window, and that of my kids, to contemplate marrying him/setting up joint finances either!

And... you've only known him 2.5 years? Like, 30 months? Um. Even if you'd had a dream relationship and all had always been rosy, I still wouldn't be even considering making permanent financial decisions yet!

Note what I've said is ALL about the financial, really. Because when you have kids, that's the crucial thing.

You have a house. You're financially independent.

I'd say to him, with a smile - yep things are great. But no, don't even talk about marriage - it would be several years before I'd even consider it. And as for moving in together - I'm happy to think about that as it will save us both money, but to be clear- our finances are staying separate, I'm keeping my house, and just to be clear, me and my kids security is always going to come first. So if you're ultimately looking for a wifey figure, forget it.'

Honestly, in your position, I'd not even consider marrying again. There's not a massive amount in it for you and it puts your kids at greater risk if you were to end up splitting.

*dithering!

Listen to your gut. You have reservations.

You had them first time round - you didn’t trust his behaviours (lots of avoidance, low contact and disconnection from him) - and you were right - he went off and shagged his friend. You have no idea if he was shagging her whilst you were together in those early months or maybe just plotting it.

Why did his first marriage breakdown? Do you know if he has been unfaithful before?

It doesn’t seem a very passionate or life affirming reason to move in together just to save money.

Honestly if you are all set up relatively comfortably and this was was hard won - it would require a huge improvement to risk giving that up for with anyone - never mind someone who disrespected you, let you down and you have gut reservations about.

Tell him you don’t want to marry him or move in with him and see how he responds - watch his expression and his actions thereafter - it will tell you all you need to know.

@Windmillwhirl we talked about it a lot and basically he was just being a selfish dick. He wasn’t young or afraid of commitment, we had been arguing as we were both stressed and had actually spilt up when he shagged her.

Yes I am miffed it seems like he’s calling the shots to be honest. It’s all based on his time line and now I don’t feel the same. I wanted to think we were special but i feel he ruined that.

I want him tho, I feel vulnerable because of how he makes me feel incase it happens again, obviously he says it won’t because of how upset his was without me when we were split up but I think it’s all shit talk. I’d rather feel vulnerable and with someone who I’m afraid of loosing than with a total dick (had a few in my past)

I think I may need therapy to be honest. I need to know how to move on from thinking about what happened all that time. I’m not sure how to tell him tho, he doesn’t really believe in therapy.

Your update makes you sound a lot more unsure, and it’s interesting that he’s reassured you that the won’t leave because of how bad he felt without you - not because of not hurting you?

Him not believing in therapy is irrelevant if it’s something you want to do he should support you. You’re better off going alone anyway, you’ll get more from it.

It's not a grudge! It's a perfectly reasonable way to feel considering that he destroyed your trust. I would have an honest and open conversation with him. If he's decent, hell understand that you don't want to rush. I don't know if I'd ever trust him again though.