How long until it feels better?

[Hopelesswashopeful]

This is day one of a totally devastating break up. Lockdown means few distractions and I can’t see my friends.
How long until it stops hurting so much that I can’t breathe? What helps? I’m desperate here. If not for the dc I’d be gone.

Hopless - she sounds a little unstable. Almost as though she can't regulate her emotions so took everything out on you when she couldn't handle it. From this side, it sounds as though you are well off out of it, but I know it doesn't feel like that for you right now. You WILL look back, in time, and realise it was better to have it over, but for now the pain is just overwhelming your abiity to be objective.

But it truly does get better. And not always in the way you think. The absolute love of my life left me ten years ago. I would have ended myself if I hadn't had the children. I hung on by my fingernails for a couple of years, then things got better, then better, I had a few relationships that I ended, because they weren't right for me.

Now I live alone in a lovely little house, with my dog. I have two jobs I love and I can honestly say that I love my life.

Give it time. Honestly. It's the only thing that helps. And be kind to yourself. She really, truly, wasn't right for you.

@Hopelesswashopeful I've been your partner in relationships. I've been the person who has emotionally abused people because I wasn't in control of my emotions. It's not something that goes away overnight. I've had to put a lot of work into myself and understanding what was happening to now have a handle on my tendancies to act out and hurt people.
You're better well away from this woman, trust me. She's no good to you, for you and certainly not a stable influence to be around your children.

The pattern of behaviour you describe is abusive. She might not be aware of that herself, or she entirely knows what she's doing, either way it's not your problem anymore. Block her and keep your peace.

You'll get over her in time, you'll grow as a person. She has a long road of hard work ahead of her.

Thanks Miz
I know where her issues come from - they are to do with a parent leaving and cutting contact entirely.
She is aware of what she is doing. She says afterwards she does it on purpose.

She says she is intense and feels things more deeply than other people.
I’m feeling this pretty deeply.

The best thing you can do is delete her number, block her on your phone and on social media, & be firm with yourself that the relationship is over for good. You will not heal from this while still holding out hope that you'll get back together.

Then reach out to your friends and tell them you're hurting and you need them. Lean into those relationships to help you pull away from her.

A rebound fling can help, but go into with the mindset that it's all about putting distance between you and her, not about finding a replacement. You need to grieve and recover before you can love again.

Good luck!

It’s really hard because we were in contact constantly. We must have sent thousands and thousands of messages.
My default is to call or message her whenever something happens. There was a lot of good stuff in there too, I do feel like I will never find anyone I love as much or who loved me as much.
I feel that she probably isn’t totally stable, she has been under a huge amount of stress and lockdown has made it worse. I suspect this has made things worse. But they do say - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Maybe that’s what I need to try and do - I’m trying but I keep thinking of all the times she was kind and smart and loving. Because that part is her as well.

One day (or hour) at a time, OP. Don't demand too much of yourself in the short term. Thinking clearly and feeling hopeful for the future will return soon.

Also because she has behaved in this way SO many times - I find it hard to be definite that this time is different and it’s over. She’s changed her mind before - so why not this time?

There was one occasion where she announced suddenly she didn’t know what she wanted and I was not to contact her. So I didn’t. And then she went mad because I hadn’t messaged to say I loved her before I went to sleep and that was it, she couldn’t believe it, everyone lets her down etc etc. Then I had a lot of ‘I will block you.’ It has been draining. And yet, and yet - I’ve kept going back for more 🤷🏼‍♀️
I do think she wouldn’t be good for my children - we’d talked about moving in together but I don’t think my son in particular would have been very happy about it.

I've had 3 breakups that I thought I would never get over. Each one knocked the wind out of me and made me wonder what my purpose was. I was unable to eat after one, unable to leave the bed after another. But here I am, alive and well and in a happy and stable relationship.

The thing with the kind of relationship you have experienced is you're not hooked on love. Not genuine, deep, caring, love. It's intensity. It's the absolute high of her after the low of her absence, which she has enforced. She's set herself up as your reward and her absence as your punishment.

Give it about two weeks, no contact. Block the shit out of her. You'll feel far less connected to her and much more connected to yourself.

Have a fling. Experience another woman. Go into it honestly, knowing it's going to be a fling.

Don't drink. Don't turn to alcohol to numb the feeling. It will quickly descend into chaos.

Flings are tricky in lockdown times 😂😂 but I would if I could.

I love her so very much, she got me. It’s the first time that’s ever happened.

You'll love again, truly.
If she was the one you were meant to be with, she wouldn't be intentionally hurting you.

Very true, the physical aspects might be difficult but there's nothing stopping you getting some positive affirmations from hot strangers. Tinder, Baby!

No, I guess not.
I don’t want my children to be affected by it. They are my main concern. I have seen her behave to her child in a similar disconnected way. I wouldn’t want that for mine.

She has told him she’d rather he lived with his dad and that sort of thing. She said she can disconnect from him if she wants to.

Yeah she's not a great person. You and your kiddos are better off away from her and her mess.
Look back at this thread in a year, I bet you'll be a different person.

Also because she has behaved in this way SO many times - I find it hard to be definite that this time is different and it’s over. She’s changed her mind before - so why not this time?

Take the decision out of her hands. You decide it's over, tell her so, & then block her.

It sounds really painful.

But this relationship although exciting and feeling amazing at times sounds very unhealthy.

I do think you're better off without her.

You can feel sorry for her and it sounds like she has had a rough ride.

But she sounds like an absolute nightmare as a partner.

You need to tell her it's over and stick to it. You can't expose your own children to this.

Good luck. The pain will lessen.

8-9 months - you'll start feeling better and being 'fine' some of the time.

8-9 months 😩

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’ve just broken up with my other half this week because we disagreed about having children. It’s hard, I’m not eating or sleeping and worst of all I don’t even think I made the right decision the more I think about it.

I have no helpful advice but you aren’t alone, heartbreak is truly horrendous.

It’s not much fun.
I’m sorry for everyone else also going through it. Particularly during lockdown when everything is already weird.

I am certain I have been trauma bonding. The push and pull is addictive.

But you know what it is! You know it's not healthy and that is the first step in moving forward. ❤️

She is abusive. Good riddance to her. Concentrate on yourself and your kids.

OP .. I’m exactly in your situation and it kills. I wrote similar on here last night. I’m on day 6 and yesterday I was an absolute mess. I was ok one minute, crying uncontrollably the next, then I’d get a burst of energy .. The feeling is horrendous. It’s the first time I had ever been properly in love too.
I haven’t eaten anything in days as I just feel so anxious And everything is just reminding me of him as our lives were completely entwined.
At the beginning of the week I felt stronger and he was not sure of how he felt, As soon as I told him how much I loved him and didn’t want to split, he ignored me and has done since.
I feel slightly better today as I’m trying to think of the positives of being without him as he was no where near perfect, although he thinks this was all down to me.
He is also coming over tomorrow to sort out the house etc and all of today I’ve had an anxious knot in my stomach.
I don’t have any advice sorry but as everybody keeps telling me, I’m better off without and time will heal. I’m already wishing away the time so I feel normal, well a new normal. Hope you’ll be ok?

@Hopelesswashopeful

8-9 months 😩

Don't be sad about that. It goes by, and you've probably forgotten what 'fine' feels like - it's so much better it's like being a different person. Sorry you are having a rotten time now though. You will be okay.