Emotional Abuse

[namechange301]

Hello

Has anyone been the victim of emotional abuse?

I am from the hands of my ex fiancé - he dumped me 11 years ago when our DD was 8 months old. And since day one has bullied, controlled and emotionally abused me. He's weakened my resolve so much that I've allowed him to walk all over me. I have no mental strength at all anymore. I'm a shadow of who I used to be.

I read recently that it's now seen as a crime. I just want him to stop,

I wish any communication had to go through a third party? Is there anything I can do to set that up? I can't afford lawyer fees but don't qualify for free legal aid.

Can this be reported to the police? Has anyone successfully been able to do anything about it?

I had therapy last year but it didn't help all that much and I just want him to stop.

Any advice would be gratefully received

Keep a record of what he does, as much info as you can. If you can record conversations do so.

Hope someone can help.

Hugs.

Thank you xx

It's a bit crap that I am the only one who replied.

Come on Mumsnet. Help her please.

Bumping for responses.

Aw thank you guys. Maybe people don't have experience with the topic so it's okay. I also put it in 30 days only which probably didn't help x

Maybe ask to get this moved to Relationships. More will answer.

Definitely get it moved to relationships, there'll be lots there that can help.

Good luck, op

Keep a journal of incidents, keep messages and then ask police what next?
I've reported for malicious communication and coercive control. But he then kicked off with the police and got nicked for that, so I can't really advise on what they'll do

Thank you.

I've asked to have to moved. I put it here as I'm scared I'll be identified

My exh was emotionally abusive. I kept a diary of incidents. He got pretty scarey at times so those incidents I reported to the police who told him to behave. He did back down a bit but then started telling me he'd sue me for harassment because I was harassing him with my claims to the police!

Best advice I can give is practical. Get a separate phone just for him. Block him on your normal phone. Only switch it on for contact. Tell him all communications via email if it's to make arrangements. Don't enter into any other discussions. Don't discuss anything in person. Be as boring as you can be and business like if you have to communicate.

Then work on yourself. Easier said than done but setting higher standards for future relationships. I read all the lundy Bancroft books and lots of other stuff. Our son Is 9 now and things are largely manageable.

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

Speak to Women's Aid and Rights of Women.

You should qualify for legal aid due to domestic abuse.

Freedom Programme course for yourself may help.

Coercive control is a crime but only in relation to acts committed after 29(?) December 2015.

There are other crimes that could be occurring though if he's been engaging in a pattern of harassment.

Police have various powers at their disposal. But also individual officers and call handlers vary in their competence and response.

National Stalking Helpline may also be useful to understand what can be done, what to ask of the police and what evidence you should keep.

If I were you unless you're in immediate danger I would speak to these other organisations to gather info and advice first and only involve the police last (if you still want/need to) once armed with knowledge about what they can do, what evidence you'd need and what you would need to say to increase your chances of being understood (because some call handlers are crap and if you don't make it clear quickly and concisely that you're calling about harassment or domestic abuse etc etc they'll often dismiss you as a "time waster" calling about a squabble and treat you badly as a result).

There are sadly lots and lots of people with experience of this so you're not alone.

Why don't you try contacting Women's Aid? They should be able to give you details of any domestic violence charities local to you which support adults who are victims / survivors of domestic violence. Because it's clear that, despite the fact that you are now separated, the abuse is still continuing, as it often does.

Thanks everyone. I did last week actually contact Two women's aid
Organisations. I'm trying to save all
Emails into my folder I've made for him but it's hard to manage texts even though I keep them all
Ive started writing things down

His abuse is subtle and he dresses it up as if it's out of concern for our DD. But it's always controlling, always critical (unjustly) and always unreasonable. Withholding money when it suits, no communication, using the fact he now has a settled family and new baby daughter as if this suddenly gives him more rights then me. Moving 200 miles away expecting me to drive after work twice a month and getting annoyed if I'm very late or haven't been able to feed her ( bearing in mind I've gone straight from my office at 5pm and arrived at his for 7-8) and then have to drive home again .

I just want him to stop. I get panic attacks at times when he texts me or emails me just because I'm scared of what he will say