Anyone else seperating/divorce at the moment?

[31weeksgone]

It was my decision, but feeling awfully lonely and constantly nearly giving him cuddles etc, just because I want someone to scoop me up and tell me it’ll all be ok.

It’s 100% the right thing to do, he was abusive for years, and me and my DC move out in three or so weeks. However walking away from 8 years of life and memories is making me so emotional, I cry at the drop of a hat, and the thought of nights without my DC makes me sob.

I know I’ll be ok, but I’m so lonely, and feel like my only friend has gone. Haven’t got anyone to talk to. Is anyone else in the same position? Also the thought of moving house in 2 weeks is making me so nervous, I’ve never done a big move before.

Hi everyone. My husband and I separated in January of this year and he moved out at the end of Feb. About to start divorce proceedings. I have ups and downs. Weekend without the kids this weekend and I've been feeling really low, possibly because I have run out of things to keep me busy.
I have weak moments when I wish I i could go back change things which is dangerous. Took so much for me to end it in the first place (he had 3 affairs that I know of) so my biggest challenge at the minute is staying strong when I'm low and lonely.
Is anyone down south way at all? Might be nice to make some new friends who can understand the situation a bit better x

I've been separated for more than 2 years, and been trying to divorce him for the same, but he's being a monumental twat and dragging everything out. Can't wait to be shot of the bellend 🙄

STBXH moves out in 2 weeks, he's moving a few things to a rented house.
No one's fault, very amicable but we just didn't look after our relationship I think, I also really began to feel that we were just friends.
I pushed for it but it's still very sad, I have moments when I'm excited and feel positive, but then I have doubts and I'm just scared I might be making a mistake. I know it's just the fear of the unknown though. It's been months of us living together whilst going through the split, so it does just feel very surreal that it's finally happening. Not sure it'll sink in till he actually moves.

Keep trying to think of the positives... I'm looking forward to decorating my bedroom, just for me. I'm looking forward to not having to worry about fancy dinners as I can just feed the kids and please myself. I can have the music I like playing, all the time. I won't feel constantly responsible for a man child who has no friends of his own and no social life. I can have two kid free days a week to do exactly what I please..
There are so many more!
@Jackeroosmum I'm in Kent, where are you?

@Stegasaurusmum I'm in Southampton so quite far still from you 😔. Yes I need to remind myself of all the positives. I have repainted my bedroom, the living room and the downstairs bathroom! Also making plans for the kitchen (if I can afford it!). I have been surprised at how much I quite enjoy the quiet of my own company. Ex used to work away and I managed everything with the kids so now that I actually get time to myself to do what I want it's quite a novelty!
I do miss having someone to share my day with though and to cuddle up with watching a boxset

I’m in the Bristol Area if anyone’s around here too and my child is primary school age. We can always always post on this thread though anyone can if they’re having a wobble. I’m pretty useless at replying don’t seem to have a second to myself at the moment, that’ll all change in 2 weeks when I move. Stay strong everyone

My exH moved out 4 weeks ago. Was meant to move out earlier but lockdown slowed it all down.
Prior to that - went through a year of negotiations; arguments, lawyers for a year. All the while living together.
So by the end - very one was bruised and hurt and tired.
And even still - the weeks before the move (actually both times as the first move one was only cancelled at the short notice) - there was this sadness. And a bit of fear.
I figured it must be grief over the life that was ending and fear of the unknown. And fear of change.

First week was a bit strange. Hollow somehow. Getting used to being the only one responsible, on hand with the kids, etc. Worrying almost what happiness if smth happens to me when I am with them.
But then we adjusted into the new routine.

I relaxed. Kids started going to see their father, I got a bit of a break that I haven’t really had for years.
And my house feels like my home now.
It’s nice.

Separated last Sunday, he’s moved out to his mums until I can find a house for me and the DCs. Been fine really but feeling rubbish today. He’s heartbroken but has been EA over the years and he honestly doesn’t realise he killed the love I had for him.
It’s all amicable but I feel like I’ve ruined his life.
Kids are doing ok which is the main thing.

Thx for this thread - divorcing but living together and the end is nowhere in sight. Been living in this hellish situation for months as can't afford and legally advised not to move out. Like someone said, some days are ok and some days are shockers. On my knees today. Weekends are always worse as he's around more and itching for an argument. I mostly grey rock but he sometimes catches me and I can feel the mix of rage, frustration and utter helplessness that just ends up with me in tears. I'm so sorry for all of you going through it but do feel slightly less alone and that there are others out there who 'get it'. Family and friends can try and be supportive but if you haven't divorced you really have no idea of the depths of ugliness it is possible to reach. I'm so envious of those of you who have emerged the other end and it does give me some hope.

Good evening everyone. It's been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Having suffered at least a year of guilt following a sustained campaign of gaslighting and love bombing, I was scrolling back old emails and found a screenshot I had sent myself of STBX from 2016. He had set up a profile on a married dating site! He had told me he was so drunk he couldn't remember it and for some reason I had let it go.
I had a miserable evening thinking what a fool I had been and then I got fierce and thought what a total cock he was, and I have really started to lose the guilt. In fact I feel quite revolted at the thought of him. It is helping me move on.
Like another poster, he is dragging his feet over divorce. I just want him gone now.

jackeroosmum. I'm also going thru a tough time adjusting. Ex moved out last May, and I'm currently in the process of divorcing the arsehole! ... but in general am loving some time to myself when they are at their dads. It gets easier I promise .. I have 3 DC too.
I'm in Winchester so not far from you..

Me. We've separated but still living together. Kids dont know. Dreading telling them.

Same here, husband cheated after we had a miscarriage, we’ve been living together, during lockdown and it is clear that he no longer loves me, although he doesn’t want a divorce and won’t leave or agree to sell our house. So I’m stuck- but the man I loved has gone and I’m just sad, and feel like I have nothing left. I’m 43, childless, at risk of losing my home and living a very lonely life. This sucks.

Chin up everyone. Somehow we'll get through it and there is always a hand to hold on here. x

If it’s any reassurance to anyone when we told my DD she’s primary age, she was absolutely fine. Even excited to have 2 houses 2 sets of everything, 2 lots of play dates etc etc. We made it really exciting for her and even though it killed me inside, she was completely happy and is really looking forward to quality time with each of us. Hope this helps a little bit I’ve also made myself a wobble list to look at when I have a wobble. Including when I had a miscarriage and he said I was lying the bastard then said the pregnancy tests were false and did one himself to see! What a c u next Tuesday! we will all get through this.

My husbands looking for somewhere else to live. I have 2 children who are devoted to him. I keep wanting to reconcile for same reason as you that I need a hug to feel better but actually i feel tense when he’s around, we haven’t had sex for 3 years and argue viciously almost every day

Good idea re wobble list. I should do same. Really encouraging to hear your DD responded well. My children are 5 and 2 and I feel sick about the idea of telling them. Maybe they will just be interested in what toys he will
Have at his place. I feel sick thinking about it

My partner moves out on weds this week. Both 48 been together 15 years - 2 x children (3 yo girl and 11 yo boy). I have made a list to refer to when I feel weak. I asked him to leave about two weeks ago due to increasing issues around alcohol (secret drinking, lying about drinking, hiding bottles etc) - he seems quite excited so probably something else lined up or just happy not to have to drink in secret anymore. He thinks he is leaving as we don’t get on anymore - completely fails to get that might be linked to his drinking and possibly that I’m tired and grouchy due to running around after a 3 yr old and working etc etc

Anyhow, been very up and down as my mind tries to make sense of our story and what lies ahead particularly with regard to co parenting (what if they like a future girlfriend more than me type of nonsense) and trying to work out how I can take over our joint mortgage. I’m also devastated coming to terms with the fact that my family won’t be what I wanted it to be.

Trying this grey stone technique but sometimes my rage boils over. He was lying on the couch yesterday on his phone hiding it every time I walked by. I was utilising all the breathing tricks with that one but held it together. Just.

But asking him to leave was the right decision so I just have to keep going through it till it feels better. Hang on in there.

Me too. DH moved out three weeks ago after 15 years. We have one 12 year old together and adult children by previous relationships.

Dd is ok- I have not cried much etc in her presence and put on a positive front getting her a new desk she wanted for ages, as DH was often difficult about money. I have minimised the impact of his absence and said that as he was often away on business etc, and spent weekends on his hobby that actually it won't seem very different at all and she will see him regularly.

Why has this departure happened? He'd say it was due to me speaking sharply and because of my lack of domestic skills - seriously! The fact he snaps at all of us several times a day seems unnoticed. Also my 15 years of working full time, doing all the parenting and cooking six days a week doesn't count as a domestic contribution.

I'd say the real reason is significantly down to his fundamental personality and a possible OW lined up. He has history with that.
Also about 5 years ago I just stopped trying to persuade him to take time off with us. Also years of him decamping to the spare room most of the time due to his sensitivity to my snoring ( but not his) and the duvet being too hot for him.

I now think after extensive googling ( always dangerous) that he has proper borderline personality disorder and high sensitivity. He has unstable emotions and a very weak wavering sense of who he is -which lockdown magnified. He has a weak self-image despite therapy and me trying to help him boost it. He is extremely sensitive to clothes, tastes, laundry, cleanliness, temperatures, sleep disruption etc. Just like he has permanently exposed nerve endings. Small things like DD leaving flour on a kitchen surface or me going out for an afternoon can trigger intense reactions. And once upset he struggles to calm down.

But the weird thing is despite feeling like treading on eggshells around him for years, I still wanted to keep trying -as we had some good times too. Almost everyone has issues, and I can see and understand the ones he had so wanted to reach out to him but just couldn't.

Sorry long and so complicated. But can see so many positives too. Loading the dishwasher when I feel like it, not before we sit down to eat. Eating quick simple food rather than complex fancy things Every other weekend to myself. Maybe getting a dog, maybe meeting some one more normal who would happily travel with me in retirement without fuss.

Sorry.. long!

I agree that if you both try and make it positive for the kids, it helps minimise the impact (there is always some fall out, of course there is).
My STBX has been an absolute arse around this. Told our DS (then 12) that he (DH) couldn't live without me, turned into Disney dad and let him stay up until the early hours every night drinking coke/Lucozade and eating crap with unlimited Xbox, told him I had been meeting other men (I hadn't), that I was menopausal and mad, that he was willing to do everything to save the marriage but I didn't want to be with them any more etc etc etc. I have had to work so hard to regain DS's trust but (and I had the gift to have an insight into nasty divorce from a child's perspective) I stayed calm and consistent, stuck to the facts and didn't go out of my way to bad mouth my ex, gave him lots of reassurance, fed him broccoli to negate the junk and, although I am poor as a church mouse, spent time with him playing board games, watching films etc. It is slowly working.

Currently in the very surreal position of having brought my husband to IKEA, to furnish a whole house... Because he doesnt drive and hasn't told anyone about the split... So no friends to help.
Very very depressing, expensive and I'm guessing now it's going to be a miserable weekend. I've got plans to be out Saturday during the day but apart from that it's just stretching ahead of me.
2 weeks to go till he moves. Might be harder than the initial telling him I think. I'm weirdly excited, buying things for my bedroom to make it my own, but also just as o sad and down about the whole thing.

We're separated and still in the same house, but plans are in place for me to move out in 6 months or so. Like others I feel up and down and it's hard. What keeps me going is other people's support. I had time off work to deal with the worst of it which I'm grateful for, police are supportive too (re domestic abuse) and call me regularly to check we're ok, I'm getting counselling through work too. Kids are mature about it and I don't believe they will be more affected by the divorce than the alternative (unhappy home, arguments, rage etc).

I feel that talking to friends via voice messages really helps. I record voice messages for them, and they respond with voice messages for me, when they can. It's less demanding on people's time than a call, and I like it because hearing a friendly voice makes me feel less lonely.

I also listen to books and the one I'm listening to right now is You Learn by Living by Eleanor Roosevelt.

@Stegasaurusmum think it's hard when it becomes more 'real'. Doing similar and planning a few changes to make it more just my home.

@BraverThanYouBel1eve 6 months is a long time but sounds like you have a lot of support 🙂

3 days until my husband moves out and telling the kids on Saturday. Dreading telling them but also starting to feel terrified about being alone. He seems absolutely fine too which hurts.

Hi everyone. I’ve done it and moved, I’m in my own place - what a stress moving is. It’s rented but at least it’s ours.

I initiated the split, but I’m uncontrollably crying in the evening, it’s how long and lonely and quiet the evenings are, I miss him so much.

I just don’t know what to do with myself

Sorry you're feeling low. It's totally natural I'm told. I pushed my husband to leave 6 weeks ago, he got his own place 3 weeks ago and I'm heartbroken most days. We need to look to the future and not look back. Chin up love.

Thanks for this thread, I am in a similar situation, we decided a couple of months ago to separate and I plan to move out but dh is at risk of redundancy so we're waiting to find out what is happening with his job before making definite plans. Feel totally in limbo but all being well I should be able to move in October. In the meantime I keep seeing nice, affordable houses for rent on Rightmove . On the positive side things are more amicable than they have been for a while.

Dreading telling my youngest ds (12). He's very much a homebody and adores his Dad. My eldest son (17) has been staying at his girlfriend's since late April, partly because he has a difficult relationship with his dad. I think he will be fine. My parents will be very disappointed and I can't put off telling them much longer,. I'm getting lots of support from friends.

It's a horrible mixture of getting sad/anxious about the future and looking forward to my own space and the opportunity to move forward.

OP I hope things improve for you soon - stay strong!