Leaving a marriage that's okay but no passion

[hopingtobedally]

Or romance
Is it acceptable to uproot your family and throw their lives into turmoil just because you don't feel their is any passion or romance and you just don't click in that way and haven't for a while?
All thoughts welcome

I did. I just couldn't live with it for the rest of my life

I did it. In fact I left an extremely comfortable financial position simply because there was no spark after a few years in. My logic being that the whole point of a relationship as opposed to companionship is sex and intimacy and I simply could not provide that any more for my husband I felt it was unfair to withhold it and the kinder thing to do was 'release' him to find someone else.

I do still have guilt pangs about leaving him as he went on the remarry and have three more children with a very disturbed woman and is now in the midst of a really acrimonious divorce and possible criminal proceedings. I have guilt because had I not left, he wouldn't ultimately be in this position. On good days I know that's silly because he made his choices that led him here.

As for me. I had one 4 year relationship after divorce that really went nowhere - cliched renunion with ex boyfriend from 20 years ago... When that ended I met my now lovely DH and have been very happy for the last 6 years.

I left when DD was 8 and despite the issues we have all been put through by EXH next relationship and marriage, I wouldn't really change it. DD 18 now and thriving and I'm happier. I would tell DD to leave any situation that wasnt serving her and the other person so I think followed my heart as I would have her do too. Life is short. What I don't agree with is affairs though. You should always leave with integrity.

@bettertimesarecomingnow can you please tell me did you have kids etc? Did you try anything first? What did your husband think about it all?

I would say yes - you can only live like that for so long.
You may end up having an affair and then be blamed for everything, forever even when both of you were aware of the cracks.

Talk to him - be honest xx

I have two kids

I knew for the last two years that it was over. There was no spark no love left.

I still loved dh but I wasn't in love with him.

He took it badly, was devastated, but six months on we are friends and co parenting really well.

I met a new partner and I hope stbxh will soon too!

It's really ok and better than staying and the resentment growing, which is what I did for a long time. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing for the DCs, security etc only I got more and more unhappy and I just knew he wasn't right for me and hadn't been for a long time. I read on here about children growing up and replicating their parent's relationship which scared me into discussing the fact I wasn't happy. Our DCs had never even known us to share a bed. There was nothing physical between us at all and I hated what we were modelling to them. There were discussions over a period of months, I knew I was done but it was finding the courageand words to say thatI was done. It finally took having my head turned before I pulled the plug for good. I felt nothing but relief tbh. I did and do feel bad for ex as he wanted to save it but there was just nothing there for me.

I'm so much happier with a new partner. We have amazing passion and a great connection. I didn't really go in for any of that before I met him. I can now see what had been missing for most of my marriage and that carrying on was not the right thing to do. I have preteen DCs, they adapted very quickly, youngest in particular and they can see how much happier I am and how different I am as a person. They are now being modelled a happy and healthy adult relationship.

If you know in your heart of hearts that there is nothing to work on OP, there is nothing wrong with ending it.

Following with interest as am in the same position. What I fear is this is just the way I'm wired and that I would lose that spark with anyone after many years and history would repeat.

Those who have left under these circumstances, have you maintained long (like years) relationships with that passion? It's so incomprehensible to me, I would be interested to hear.

Hope OP doesn't mind me asking.

Well I haven't 😬

I am still hopeful that "the one" might show up at some point but until then I'm much happier rowing my own boat either with my children on board or when I'm on my own.
I have friends to go out with, family to see and also make time for "male company".

I would have stayed in my last relationship because of the fear of starting again but he eventually said enough was enough and he was right.
The first year was the worst but now, almost 4yrs on, everyone is happy and rubbing along just nicely.