Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What would you think of this situation?

52 replies

Piratepolly · 16/07/2020 15:48

Man has a year long affair with OW then leaves wife and teenage children. He goes to stay with OW, then because of lockdown has nowhere else to go so moves in. Man's family including siblings and parents want nothing to do with OW and refuse to let her come to their houses.

During the affair and lockdown Man has told everyone about what a great person the OW is. Would not hear a word of criticism about her and defended her all the time. OW wants to get married, Man considering it.

Now in last few months things have changed. He has started criticising OW to others and her opinions. Doesn't seem to value her viewpoint as much anymore. Is now actively looking for somewhere else to stay and seems to take any opportunity to be out of the house. Now talking about wanting to get own place.

What is yout read on this situation?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/07/2020 16:57

Who are you then ?

TimelyManor · 16/07/2020 17:00

Beware what you believe, OP.

Newernewist · 16/07/2020 17:00

Id say you are OW.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2020 17:06

Karma!
The grass was not greener.
A lot of cheaters find this out the hard way.
And the OW is a dick for wanting a man that is happy to cheat on his wife and family. He WILL do the same to her.
There are plenty of men out there who are single.
Steer clear of cheating assholes in future.

Crystalspider · 16/07/2020 17:06

He's gone off the ow and either found someone else or wants to be single.

MiniCooperLover · 16/07/2020 17:12

Explain who you are please OP, it's tiresome otherwise ...

ravenmum · 16/07/2020 17:15

Wife found out about man's affair and chucked him out, hence him finding it convenient to move in with OW during lockdown. Man likes to have it easy and avoids deep reflection on who he might hurt with his actions, living in the moment and easily distracted by rainbows or butterflies, while trampling over the flowers in other people's garden.

RedOasis · 16/07/2020 17:19

He wants to be single

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2020 17:20

Typical outcome. Idiot man hooks up with an ow who is as stupid as the man is. She actually thinks this "relationship" will have a happy ending.

ravenmum · 16/07/2020 17:24

Yes, man has realised he is now single and can play the field as much as he likes, and would be a total mug to sign up for a new marriage when he hasn't even ended the current one.

AudaCityLimits · 16/07/2020 17:26

Pushing divorce proceedings through does not mean he won't be trying to go back to his wife.

I am guessing that OW was fed a sob story about horrible nasty wife, and now that she's living with him, she's starting to see that he's the problem, not the wife.
If you're the OW, OP, don't think that because you once made a mistake, you have to keep on making it.

Original poster

Piratepolly · 16/07/2020 17:27

I'm not the OW. I'm a family member and have been watching this train wreck unfold.

It's hard not to shout 'I bloody told you so' when he was bigging up the OW.

There will be no crawling back to the wife. 1000% sure on that one. She didn't chuck him out, he left. I've got this from his wife. Divorce definitely going ahead.

OP posts:

kenandbarbie · 16/07/2020 17:30

Gone off ow coz of living with her. Probs wants to live some sort of bachelor lifestyle shagging around. Will end up alone in bed sit.

Mumtumwobble · 16/07/2020 17:34

He doesn’t like to reality of domestic life with OW and has made a mess of everything. If he stays with OW I bet he’ll have another affair. More than likely though he’ll leave OW.

Original poster

Piratepolly · 16/07/2020 17:46

I have no sympathy for the OW but recognise she has put herself in an emotionally vulnerable position. She's not young, has no kids, so little to fall back on emotionally. She is becoming needy and clingy which is definitely going to hasten the end.

He won't end up alone. As much as he's a dick, he's someone who is interesting to be around and very wealthy so will definitely not be the sad lonely bed sit type. His ex wife will also be set up financially for life. So in the long run hopefully she'll move onto a happier place.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 16/07/2020 17:51

Why would he want to get immediately into another long term humdrum domestic situation when he has just left one? He is using the OW for a place to stay and is fast realising that the doesn't really like or care for this person.

Original poster

Piratepolly · 16/07/2020 17:59

That's exactly what I was thinking and told him so. Believe me I spent a fair amount of time shouting at him telling him he was an idiot.

Honestly, it seemed like the marriage was over. They'd had problems for years and extensive counselling so it was a matter of time tbh. But this wasn't the way to end it.

Think this is classic exit affair but the OW wanted more. The cynical part of me thinks she had dollar signs in her eyes

OP posts:

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 16/07/2020 17:59

I think it's best to encourage the man to not jump into any more relationships and be single for a while.

He should be encouraged to be more honest in future and finish relationships honourably before he starts any more.

He needs to work out what he actually wants.

He needs to work together with his wife on their co-parenting and be a good father.

Original poster

Piratepolly · 16/07/2020 18:01

couldn't agree more shiny and this is exactly ehat I've said to him.

I was interested in what other people's take on this situation is because I can see it getting very messy with the OW when she fully realises what is happening.

OP posts:

AnnaNimmity · 16/07/2020 18:08

I know someone who left his wife, and then the OW in this way. Classic exit affair. He hasn't been alone since. Wife has now moved on, and OW is still chasing him and is the classic psycho ex.

Kids did suffer hugely from his selfishness though.

ravenmum · 16/07/2020 18:08

Now he's confirmed that he can still attract women, he will probably try to get himself a younger and more attractive one. Sounds like he might get one, too. I don't think you need to worry about him too much.

LessCumbersome · 16/07/2020 18:10

I don't know , there's too many variables. The man's OW could be abusive and he's only seeing it now because she's hardly going to be an abusive OW.... They don't tend to do well.

Or he could be narcissistic and he's been through the idealise stage with the OW, he's moved on to devalue and will ultimately discard

Or he could be just a guy having a mid life crisis and had an exit affair that he's also working on exiting.

His wife could be toxic and abusive.... Or he could.... Or the OW could...

I try not to assume anything anymore. Life is very complicated.

BurtsBeesKnees · 16/07/2020 18:14

I'd say that the man has just found out that the grass isn't always as green.

He'll end up wrangling with the wife in court and simply walk away from the ow. If he's wealthy then finding himself a place to live won't be a problem. The ow can try and make it messy for him but I'm not sore how successful she'll be. He'll throw her in the bin and find a new one.

The man sounds like a selfish dick tbh.

Shizzlestix · 16/07/2020 18:53

He’s an idiot. Your brother, OP? I’d say the wife has had a lucky escape and should take him for as much as she can.

Original poster

Piratepolly · 16/07/2020 19:30

shizzle to be fair the wife cheated too during the marriage so its not black and white. That doesn't justify how things ended though, just to be clear on that.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3