Emotional abuse: sorting truth from lies

[Ritascornershop]

I was married to an emotional abuser (hit me twice) for 13 years, away from him for about as long. Then dated a commitment phobe for way too long (likely some of the attraction was that he wouldn’t get as close as I claimed I wanted, so no danger for me).

From my marriage though I still struggle with a lot of his very persistent messaging; no-one will ever love you because of your poisonous personality, you’re pretty but not beautiful, you’re a bitch, no-one could ever live with you, you’re trying to poison me (if he thought good wasn’t cooked enough he’d recook his but not the children’s), you’re a bitch, you just don’t think do you? Etc etc.

I haven’t had a proper relationship since the marriage (just the one who was only in love with me on a very off and on basis). Women tell me I’m pretty, children and teenagers really like me, men avoid me like the plague. Recently went on 5 dates with a man (2nd man who’s shown interest in 13 years) & realised he only wanted to rush me toward sex so went off his sharpish.

So I’m wondering - how do I know what my actual flaws are? I had so many perceived flaws thrown at me I have no idea what might actually be putting men off and what is just bad luck. Also, how do I get abuser’s voice out of my head? I default to “of course no-one would be interested in me” a lot, though really I’m no worse than loads of people in relationships. I help friends when they need it, I try to be kind and polite, I have hobbies and ideas. I am very cautious around men, for sure, but I would have thought someone would have seen something of value by now and wanted to get to know me.

Just at a loss really to know what’s wrong with me and what to do to get past the emotional abuse.

Hi op. I cant work out from your post how long you gave been single. You say you have had interest from two men in 13 years. Were you with this abusive ex during that time?

I really think you should consider counselling to work on your self esteem and get to know who you are.

You could ask a friend you trust if you want to know what your flaws are but don't fixate on that -we are human and all have flaws.

If may be that the cautious vibe you give off around men is much stronger than you realise.

Where have you looked for/met men in the past?

I think possibly is that very lack of confidence and self love that's putting off decent men. It's a truism but you do have to love yourself first. Have you had any counselling to try and recover from the abuse? I think trying to find a good relationship without dealing with the hangover from the old one is like trying to go skiing on a broken leg. It's not going to feel good and you might end up more damaged.

I’ve been away from him for 13 years, 2 men in that time (one just 5 dates then I realized he wasn’t interested in me, just in sex).

I had counselling through the women’s shelter in my city & it helped somewhat but they limit your visits and I got cut off after x number of visits. I can’t afford counselling. I’d like to do rapid eye movement therapy but it’s not covered under my work benefits and there’s a huge waitlist for govt funded therapy.

I guess maybe it’s self-esteem putting them off, but you’d think my good qualities might outweigh that? It’s just dispiriting that after all this time it still plagues me.

Hi OP think it might be better to focus on your strengths rather than your flaws. Sounds like you have enough negative self talk going on already, sounds really tough. Worth getting on the waiting list for treatment even if it’s going to take ages...

Have you been actively trying to date during the past?

I hear you op, had some horrid past relationships. Been single 12 years. Most single men assume I'm in a relationship and seem very comfortable around me, I must be giving off some strong dont shag me vibes. Watching with interest.

Is your ex still messaging you or are you thinking back to his messages from the time you split? I wouldn't give his words a second thought. PP is correct, concentrate on your good points and keep looking forward.

Thanks all. Our kids are into early adulthood now so I don’t have to speak to him anymore thank goodness. But this not speaking is pretty new, previously it was almost monthly he’d be berating me via text about something (& I couldn’t block him as I sometimes needed to enquire when he was going to get around to paying child support).

So mostly it’s old messages running round my head.

Okay, onward and upward! I shall focus on my good points. I guess I just wonder too much why I’m of so little interest to men (tried old, went on a couple of dates but the men weren’t my type, one turned out to be unable to make eye contact, the other was vigorously normal/stuck in the 1980’s/nothing in common). I’ve been open to the idea, very open, but never get approached.

My previous job the men were 1) gay 2) very young and had a new baby 3) very old and married. My current job the majority of men (& women) make 3 times my salary and look way, way down on us plebs and wouldn’t see me as their type due to that (same education, just they made a smarter career choice).

OP counselling would really help you. There's a website called Moodgym which is free and would be a good start. It uses CBT style therapy, so you can catch those thoughts and challenge them. I think that would be very helpful for you.

Other things you can try are Mindfulness meditation which helps you to tune into what you are feeling and thinking and to notice the effect it is having on you. Try the Headspace app.

You can also try yoga. You can find free yoga on Youtube. Adriene is very good.

Eat good nutritious food, practice mindfulness, yoga and try the moodgym. Surround yourself with positive, kind people. Do daily positive affirmations in order to retrain your mind. You can also try tapping which you can find on Youtube as well. It's also for trauma and you might find it helpful.

OP be kind to yourself. You are loved and you are lovable. Take it slow, you're doing really well.

Thank you so much for those resources @namechange12a ! I have been thinking of trying tapping, so that’s a great reminder. I used to do yoga, and it was good for my confidence, but have fallen out of the habit. The other suggestions I have opened on my phone and will check them out.

It occurred to me this morning that one of my problems is that I want a partner not only because I’m lonely for that type of connection, but also on some level to show the world that the exh was wrong, I’m not awful, “poisonous”, stupid, I can be lived in that way. But after too long with the hot/cold guy after my marriage I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not meant to happen for me. And I need to really, really absorb that. Hope is all very well and good, but in this area I think it’s unhealthy to focus on it and I need to have hope for other things instead. My kids love me, my friends love me, I need to direct my energy to creative things instead of romantic relationships.