Afraid this will likely be a long one!
My hubby and I met when I was 17 and we’ve been together for 11 years now, married for 5. As ever it was so new and exciting in the beginning and we found it difficult to be apart (and out of bed!), especially when I went to university.
We were lucky that we were able to buy our first little house quite young and finally moved in together. We were so looking forward to being together and properly starting our lives as a couple.
Before I had even moved in properly we were burgled. Hubby came home and found the house trashed and didn’t know if the burglar was still there. Thankfully they weren’t but it really shook my hubby up and triggered anxiety and associated issues. I stood by him and supported him through it all but really it felt like the “shine” had been taken off him in the sense that he wasn’t as happy or bubbly for a long long time. But I still loved him and was happy with him so there was no question that I’d stay with him.
Fast forward 6 years and hubby is just about back to his pre-burglary self. Only thing not quite back to normal was our sex life (which was basically wiped out when his anxiety first started) but it had very very slowly built back up to being occasional so not too bad in comparison to nothing.
For some unknown reason hubby starts having panic attacks again a couple of years ago which made him think he was having a heart attack (he’s a bit on the large size). I was going abroad on holiday with my parents for a week (I’d been v low for months and my hubby won’t fly anywhere so my parents treated me to a holiday) just as this reached its worst point and I was in two minds whether to go, but he was going to stay at his parents so we decided I should. Nonetheless I felt like I was abandoning him and when I came back I felt a bit weird about it all but he assured me he didn’t hold it against me that I went and we got back to normal. He seemed really happy that I was home so it was just me who felt a bit odd. Everything seemed to gradually get back to normal after that, with the exception of our sex life.
Hubby’s panic attacks are generally under control not but he occasionally feels “funny” but not full blown attacks. He’s had some CBT which has helped and came off the tablets he was on a few years ago.
We decided earlier this year that I’d come off the pill and if I fell pregnant then great but we wouldn’t try too hard or anything, just let it happen naturally. Our sex life gradually improved especially after lockdown (I think hubby being at home more helped him feel more relaxed) but it is always when he is in the mood and dictated by him.
Then all of a sudden it went from 1-3 times a week to nothing for 6 weeks. I assumed it was linked to his work getting super busy again and he’s had a painful arm recently, so was trying not to worry about it but I get scared we’ll go back to basically 6 years of hardly any sex.
I got a bit upset about this the other day and said to him that it feels like he completely dictates our sex life and that it feels like he never kisses me, touches me or anything unless he wants sex. Sadly this isn’t uncommon as I’m much more physically affectionate than him. He told me that he felt “funny” after the last time we had sex so that’s put him off/scared him as he doesn’t want to feel like that and so he gets scared to touch me. I get that and have said that I’m happy for us to be slow and that his “all or nothing” approach won’t help and we should try to enjoy the little things like having a kiss etc. without it leading everywhere. I explained that it is much better if he talks to me about this rather than just shutting me out and letting me think there’s something wrong with me or that he doesn’t love me, and he said he’s scared that I’ll think he’s weak or that he’ll disappoint me. This breaks my heart and of course I’ve told him that would never be the case and that I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong. He’s said that he needs to lose weight and get fitter which he thinks will help him (his anxiety was linked to his weight/health previously) but he never actually does anything about this e.g. he went for a McDonald’s at lunch today.
I’ve just had my period start (no surprise as no sex) and just feel so sad that we’re back in this position again, especially when I want to be trying for a baby. I know that’s likely adding pressure to him but I have been trying to avoid saying too much about it to him.
I feel like I’ve focussed on him and his needs almost entirely for 6 years and have been desperate for a baby for the last 2 years so when he said he was happy for me to come of the pill and we were having sex like a normal couple I was so happy. Just feel like we’re back to square one.
I love my hubby so much, but on my counsellors advice over the last year have been trying to think about me and my needs more. This has meant being upfront with hubby and forcing us to address issues instead of them just being an unspoken issue. He was being more open with me with his thoughts/feelings etc. This really helped, but I just feel a bit lost and sad right now that things aren’t going the way I’d like and the improvements have been stripped away again.
In other news my job isn’t great at the moment, there’s constant family drama and my friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her second child after only 2 x sessions of unprotected sex... we’d been trying for 4 months before the sex dried up. So just feeling a bit hormonal and hard done by right now!