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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex MIL

20 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 15/07/2020 16:32

Sittting here anxiety through the roof because of my ex MIL. She had my DD last night and we had arranged a collection time of midday. When I arrived DD's cousin was there so DD wanted to stay however I had made plans this afternoon and didnt want to make a return journey again later so asked DD to come with me. DD had a massive tantrum so after a few minutes of asking nicely I did raise my voice (not shouting though). MIL said she should be able to stay and can you please leave my house now you are shouting- all whilst shouting at me and pointing her finger in my face. I asked her politely to not talk to me like that and she said she can talk to me how she pleases in her own house!

I left in tears and left my DD there as I was so shocked although I know what a nasty woman she can be. She is dropping her off anytime and I feel so upset and worried in case she is horrible again.
I have no choice but to deal with her as she cares for my DD when I work as I'm a key worker and my ex (her son) is pretty useless

OP posts:

AIMD · 15/07/2020 16:44

Oh poor you that’s awful! Not only Was she being aggressive by shouting and pointing but she undermined the boundary you were trying to have with your daughter. Ideally I think you should have insisted your daughter leave as both your daughter and she now aren’t clear that as her parent it is you who makes decisions for your daughter. However I’m not good at conflict either so I can understand why you might have left.

Is there no other childcare at all you can arrange. I would not be happy her using that as a way to control you.

Can someone be with you when she is due to return your daughter?

I’d be tempted to leave it a day and then send her a message by text letting her know that if she wants to continue having contact with you daughter she needs to stick to the agreed plan regarding pick up and collection and emphasising that she needs to ask you if there are any changes.

I really think you need alternative childcare so you can allow contact to be just about them seeing each other and not because you NEED MIl help.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/07/2020 17:12

You need to stop this much contact.

It will be too late when your 15 year old is sneering at you that she doesn't have to listen to you, Granny has told her you're a rubbish mum and she can go live with her anytime...

Honestly, I would do ANYTHING to make sure this person does not get to whisper in your DD's ear. She has no respect for you and you do NOT need someone who dislikes you and puts you down being close to, and influencing, your child.

My grandmother helped ruin the relationship with my mother, although it's a bigger story than that.

Find other childcare - seriously. No matter how much it costs. Ideally - move far away!!!

Sssloou · 15/07/2020 17:42

You poor thing.

A useless ex and a bullying MIL (wonder if those two things are connected.....?).

It is shocking that she overturned your parenting / disciplining and shunted you out of her house. She is so overbearing, has no boundaries and is disrespectful.

Your DD should not see anyone treat you like that.

She will ruin your DD and your relationship with her.

Seriously do anything you can to keep such a toxic person out of your lives.

Atadaddicted · 15/07/2020 17:49

I can’t believe you left your daughter there!
How old?

That woman would not be having my daughter again unless she apologised and in front my daughter explained she’d been in wrong

Newnamenewopenme · 15/07/2020 17:59

She sounds like a dick, I hope it all went smoothly.

PicsInRed · 15/07/2020 18:14

Go and get your child immediately.

Call the police if MIL won't hand child over.

Cut contact with her and the cousin- MIL's toxic and will alienate your child from you and the cousin seems to be an enabler and shouldn't be trusted.

Apple31419 · 15/07/2020 20:25

@FizzyGreenWater
I'm actually really interested in the dynamics of this, as it might be something I can prevent (although not as severe)
Is there anything you can tell us? Id love to know what played out.
Without giving too much details of course

Tappering · 15/07/2020 20:54

You cannot use her for childcare. If you continue then she knows that all she has to do is shout and you'll back down. Which sends a pretty toxic message to your DD.

Bemorechicken · 15/07/2020 20:59

End of contact. Pay for childcare -don't ever ever ever put your DD in her care again How F*ing dare she.

If you don't have her back -phone the police now.

Original poster

Festivalgirl83 · 15/07/2020 21:00

If she had had the courtesy to text me and say DD wants to stay and play with her cousinf that would have been fine but it's like she let me drive there on purpose.
She's pissed as her son is back living with her (my ex) so she is always involved with kids as they visit their dad at her house. Also I leave the house at 6am so no child care starts that early, my mum will hopefully be able to start helping out again with lockdown restrictions but she is in the over 70 category.
She has been vile at times in the past I should have known better as she has been getting closer to us in recent weeks and now turned.

OP posts:

Tappering · 15/07/2020 21:24

Well it's your ex's responsibility to ferry the kids to his house for contact, so leave the ball in his court.

Is there any way you can change your start time at work? I would look at every other option before using her again for childcare.

Bemorechicken · 16/07/2020 07:29

@Tappering

Well it's your ex's responsibility to ferry the kids to his house for contact, so leave the ball in his court.

Is there any way you can change your start time at work? I would look at every other option before using her again for childcare.

Agree. You are a single parent -can''t you create a bubble with your mum now? Do not use her. What your child witnessed and got was "My demands as a toddler got what I wanted. Granny protected me. Mummy has no say in the matter. Ergo Granny is the boss. It's fine for Granny to shout at abuse mummy so I can too"

Bemorechicken · 16/07/2020 07:30

@Festivalgirl83

If she had had the courtesy to text me and say DD wants to stay and play with her cousinf that would have been fine but it's like she let me drive there on purpose. She's pissed as her son is back living with her (my ex) so she is always involved with kids as they visit their dad at her house. Also I leave the house at 6am so no child care starts that early, my mum will hopefully be able to start helping out again with lockdown restrictions but she is in the over 70 category. She has been vile at times in the past I should have known better as she has been getting closer to us in recent weeks and now turned.

Do you have your daughter back though?

ChaToilLeam · 16/07/2020 07:38

You need different childcare. This woman will undermine you at every turn. Time to put your foot down!

And you need better boundaries, OP - I know you were shocked and upset, but your DD should have gone with you, tantrum or not. You know how this will end up.

TorkTorkBam · 16/07/2020 07:45

There are childminders who will start at 6am. You have to advertise, put the word out etc. as it is not standard, it won't be what they usually do but there are people who are up for it.

I know personally of a friend who had a childminder who started at 6. The CM was herself getting back into work after her own children. She was always up at 5 anyway and when she heard of my friend's need (they were acquaintances already) she contacted her, they went for a coffee, thrashed out some details and it ended up working brilliantly for both. Put the word out.

Shizzlestix · 16/07/2020 09:13

How old is your dd? No way would I have left my child when I’d told her we were going home. Be strong, it’s your decision, nobody else’s. I would find alternative childcare, tbh.

Sssloou · 16/07/2020 10:56

She has been vile at times in the past I should have known better as she has been getting closer to us in recent weeks and now turned.

This has to be the last time that you are in the company of this woman. It’s v important to realise that we have to disconnect totally from people who are vile to us. She is being abusive, she will do it again and again and again. She must be so toxically powerful to eject you from her home in tears and to leave your child behind.

Blood does trump abuse. Your DD does not need someone so hideous in her life - someone who abuses her mother. This will devastate your child. Her Dad sounds like a loser as well - quietly, calmly and with dignity and pride remove yourself from this dreadful family - otherwise you can expect the same dynamic with your own child. This is not a safe, healthy emotional environment for her to grow and develop.

Atadaddicted · 16/07/2020 14:10

I’m fit for to take a punt here

The childcare suits you? Correct
Why else would you have your daughter stay over overnight at someone’s home you despise and you despises you?

I’m afraid it looks like you’re either going to have to roll over OR attempt to talk to her to explain what’s acceptable to you OR withdraw contact and lose the childcare

monkeymonkey2010 · 16/07/2020 18:01

I left in tears and left my DD there as I was so shocked

Buckle up buttercup....you need to stand up for yourself and stand your ground re YOUR CHILD!
You are her mother and YOU call the shots!

HathorX · 16/07/2020 19:19

What a vile woman your MIL is. I'm sorry for you.

I would phone her when your DD is in bed and coolly inform her that her behaviour today was unacceptable, that YOU have the parental authority NOT her and she doesnt get to make the decisions and certainly not to shout abuse at you. Tell her you want an apology.

Tell her you are concerned leaving your daughter there given her inability to control he foul temper and if you EVER find out she has bad-mouthed you or is rude to you again, or if your DD EVER hints that she has been nasty to her, you WILL immediately find alternative childcare and prevent her going to MIL's house. And she will have to wait for the courts to sort out access for your ex.

You don't have many cards to play but do your best. Also start researching other childcare - surely someone else at your workplace works similar shifts and needs childcare? Perhaps you could find a local University student who could help for a few hours with babysitting (say 5am to 8am) and then get your DD dressed and take them to a childminder at 8am?

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