How much do you trust your spidey sense?

[Iamchangingmyusername]

NC for this.

Together 5 years, due to get married in October. Nothing big has happened, DP not being weirder than usual with his phone (we both spend way too much time on our phones). Both have always had fairly low sex drives but lots of affection and sex often enough. Never had any cause to suspect him of anything, his ex fiance cheated on him and I know it hurt him badly. I've also been cheated on in the past.

Lockdown has taken the shine off our relationship a little bit but we're both working from home in a little 2 up 2 down and are in each others company almost 24/7 - not a lot of mystery left after that!

But...

Something in my gut is telling me something isn't right and I can't shake it, have no idea what my next move should be, if any, or how I should broach with with him - if I even should.

Is it always best to follow your instincts, even when nothing outwardly appears to be wrong?

I ALWAYS trust mine, after two cheating, gaslighting bullies I've learnt that my senses were trying to tell me something.

I 100% trust mine.
Proved completely spot on more than once!
Never wrong.
But.... You don't have any other clues at all?
My next move, many moons ago, was phone bills.
My next move more recently was checking his ipad!
Everything I needed to know - right there!

Oh hell yes, never let me down, i always trust my spidey senses.

@hellsbellsmelons

I know I need to get on his phone but it's always with him, which isn't a new thing.

There's a laptop but we both use it and I don't think he'd be stupid enough to do that.

Crazy isn't it.. I have literally nothing to go on but my gut.

Need to get a bit 🕵🏻‍♀️

Always. I think there are micro clues that seep into our subconscious.

Do you think he's in contact with someone via his phone?

Do you think he's going out to meet someone?

Does he stay up late sending messages? If so does he do that when he's in bed?

God this isn't like me at all... It's driving me a bit mad.

Yes I'm all for listening to your gut.

It could be anything though, are you having 2nd thoughts about getting married, are you getting what you need from the relationship.

Maybe lockdown is showing you that your are not as compatible as you thought.

Don't push the thought under the carpet but evaluate a bit deeper.

@HollowTalk yes texting at night. He's in lots of WhatsApp groups about his hobby (outing to say what) and I'd really like to think it's that.

Don't push the thought under the carpet but evaluate a bit deeper.

Very well put @isthismylifenow

Does he send messages at different times to normal? Does he ever seem to speak to someone on the phone?

Always trusted it and always been right unfortunately.

You say you both spend too much time on your phones and the shine has gone off things. Why not suggest a shake up? Lets try x y and z activities or have a brainstorm together? Which would lead to less time spent on phones.

Maybe he feels the same as you do. If he is reluctant and still being dodgy with his phone then I would take notice. To be honest people may come along to say dont snoop. But I reckon you should check his phone. Last time I felt this way it led me there and he was gearing up to cheat which was bad enough. Sadly I didnt leave him and he actually did chest eventually.

Trust yourself.

@HollowTalk no more than usual but he's more of a phone talker than me. Doesn't leave the room or anything to speak unless it's a work call (and I can hear that it is, bloody loud people).

Sometimes I'll go to message him in the day if I'm out or have a day in the office and will see that he's been online at 3/4am.

Be careful op.. Twice I was twitchy and both times caught dh out in ordering me gifts....

Ruined a good surprise!

Thanks @KatDubs261. Yes I've unfortunately been proven right with a phone before (more than once 🙄).

Yes think I'm going to make a conscious effort to stay off my phone more and see if he does the same.

Aw @Sunnydayshereatlast that made me laugh! 😂

Needed that!

Trust your instincts. With me it was just him casually wandering on to balcony to answer his phone once. Nothing unusual, often spoke out there before as house was noisy, it was summer and a nice place to sit. But it felt weird.
He was cheating. With the wife of his best friend's brother. Scumbag.

It's such a horrible situation. I can see why you're concerned now if you're planning to marry him soon.

My brain is in complete conflict with it - he's a good, trustworthy man who has never given me any concerns before and makes no secret of how much he loves me. We've spoken about cheating in the past and I know how awful it was for him with his fiancée.

I was with a scumbag before I met him who cheated on me several times (I walked past one of the girls on my way home who had just left my flat) and never made me feel like DP does.

It's literally come out of the blue a few weeks ago and, while I know I can't ignore it, I need to do things sensibly and calmly.

Thank you for all your excellent advice and points of view

In a previous thread a PP suggested downloading OpenDNS which logs all websites used via the router. It's like parental control but you don't block any sites so it logs what's visited. If you can't snoop this might be a start.

www.opendns.com/

Yes, I trusted my spidey senses about my ex and he was indeed cheating.

Instinct isn't perfect, but it has saved me many times - and I've been fucked over enough by ignoring it that I now listen loud and clear.

Especially when it comes to men or anyone who seems predatory.

Why are you looking for something that isn't there?
He's decent and treats you right?
What is the worst that could happen? He's cheating? Are you fully prepared for that?

I would sit down and tell him you want to spend less time on phones and see how he responds