Huge Age-Gap - Your thoughts?

[BianchiKings]

Please note that this is NOT about me! I do not want the hate - I am simply here to read peoples views on this so I can steady my own mind... or not!

This may also be something that people may find this very extreme and may find this disgusting and some may find this hard to read. I am just having a hard time to process this and get this out of my head - because, quite frankly I find this disgusting and just want to shake the girl!!

So - I work within a small team and we are a very close-knitted team, we share most things about each others lives, we have all be togethre through our pregnancies and more.
Recently, we have recruited an Apprentice (She's 18 bare in mind)... after a few months, she opens up about her "Friend" who she has been seeing fort he past 14 months (so that would make her under 18 when she started seeing him!)

Turns out - she has been seeing, going away with, having intimate relations (to try and not make this sound vile) with a MARRIED MAN who is 50 and has 2 CHILDREN WHO ARE BOTH OLDER THAN HER! Baring in mind this girl is 18... and a young 18 year old at that! - Her parents do not know... her friends do not know... The wife of this man and their kids do not have a clue..

We found this out a week ago and I cannot get this off my mind. I am the second youngest within the team at work at 25 years of age - But, she is 18.. this is her First relationship and I am just a bit freaked out really - this girl is younger than my youngest sister - who is such a 'prude' and would run a mile if a boy took a shine to her!

The girl at work has said that the man has told her that he basically cant leave his wife (as he supposedly wants to) due to money - thats a separate issue by the sounds of it; but has still carried on living a double life with his wife of 20+ years and an 18 year old girl.

I just want to shake the girl and tell her to see the real picture - that she is completely wasting her time and run for the hills. I'd like to tell her - and I have done when we first found out that she is completely stupid.. all going to end up in tears - not just for her, but for the wife, and the innocent Children of this 50 year old.
I also guess that because I spend most of my working week with her, that I am worried for her and just do not want her to be involved in something that she doesnt have to be.

What are your thoughts? What would you be saying to her? Do I leave her to it - she is classed as an adult..? Am I missing something here - but this is just growing a huge concern for her in me.

It’s not your job to tell her how to behave. She’ll realise what are arsehole she’s been sooner or later and end it all the wiser for having been through it.

I would be worried for her too but ultimately it's not your business. Hopefully she'll learn in time.
You could do your bit by being there for her if she ends up getting hurt by the situation.

I think the only comment I’d make is how do you feel about being younger than his children and how would it work if you married him, children older than their step mother...

It sounds bonkers to me but then my 21 yr old sister had a 4 year relationship ship a 50 year old man and no one could tell her otherwise.

I think you need to tell her he's completely using her - not being able to leave his wife is obviously bullshit but she's too naive to see it. I feel really sorry for her - a child (when the "relationship" started) who is basically being used for sex.

I do feel for her - she has told No one and has no real support over this until now. She is completely besotted with this man - however she gets quite upset with the realisation of the utter bs hes spilling on her! She does know that we only have her best interests at heart - however we are not keen on the idea and until we know more about it and the real deal, we will never be friendly with him.

None of your business imo. It never ceases to amaze me how much of their private lives people are so happy to share at work.
Why would you tell people you work with all this stuff?

It isn't your business op

The age gap wouldn't bother me much, my DH was 22 years older than me and we met when I was 20. But. He was divorced and had been for 10 years. He had a child close in age to me - that was not a problem. He was free to introduce me as his girlfriend because he had no wife and I was no dirty little secret.

This is the difference with your colleague - she is having an illicit affair. It wouldn't matter if her lover were 18 or 80, the fact is he is a married man and is just using her. If he was really in love with her he would have left his wife. Better to be poor and with the one you love, than rich and miserable. The age gap is a red herring here.

Leave well alone. I dated and had a child with a 50 year old when I was 18. By the time I was 21 I realised it wasn’t what I wanted and we parted ways.
I went after him, looking back now I had/have daddy issues and went down that road. He’s a crap dad (not seem our dd since she was 4) but he wasn’t a terrible human being.

I don't think it's about the age gap tbh
It's about the deceipt. All you can do is suggest he is using her and be there for her when it all goes wrong, which it will.

Don't understand the 'it's not your business' comments - if someone is a friend or a colleague and confiding in you about their personal lives of course you are entitled to a view. And the whole thing sounds grim! What are you meant to do, sit there and say ooh he sounds lovely well done? There's no need to be rude but if she's asking your opinion I'd be honest. Nothing wrong with sharing the pearls of your wisdom having been in the dating game for a lot longer than her. Play bull shit bingo with her ... I'm there for the kids / we live together but don't sleep together etc etc all the oldest lines in the book.

It sounds yucky. But unless there is a safeguarding issue or the girl is vulnerable I fail to see how anything can be done about it.

A 'bare in mind apprentice', aye? Presumably you mean not very bright.

I'm surprised she has told everyone at work, she has hardly been working there long enough to be 'knitted' in closely with her colleagues. She knows deep down this relationship isn't going anywhere (though it is amazing how completely enthralled young women can be with a plausible man). Just be nice, encourage her not to confide in all and sundry and to have a good social life with younger people.

There's nothing you can do about it as the girl is eighteen

If she's been groomed, which she clearly has, then she won't hear anything you say.

I was in a 'relationship' with a married guy in his 50s when I was a similar age. I was craving attention and he made me feel so sophisticated and loved. Thank God I didn't get pregnant.
When I think back I can see how wrong it was and how damaging it was for me, but there would have been no way of telling me at the time.
It sounds like she needs some real life friends and plans to look forward to.
If you care then don't condemn her, but gently help her understand what a healthy relationship involves and help her find a way to increase her self esteem, ambition and social life. Then, hopefully, she'll realise for herself.

It's really none of your business what she's up to. Did she actually tell you all the facts herself or have you found out another way?

If I was to say anything to her at all it would be to turn it around and ask her a few questions:

• If you found out your dad was having an affair, how would you feel about him when you realised the woman was younger than you?

• If you were long married with grown up children, how would you feel if you found out that your husband was having an affair and the other woman was younger than your own children?

• Why is she keeping it a secret from her family and friends? (she obviously knows it's wrong and is possibly ashamed but would she actually admit that?)

If It were me, I'd be finding out his name and then finding the fucker on Facebook and his wife and tell her what he's up to.
It's sad that these men prey on gullible women who, in life experience, are little more than children.

Is she hasn't told her family and friends then I'd be asking her why not. Presumably it's because, on some level, she knows its wrong and has no future. The issue is more with the deception than the age gap but I wouldn't want my 18yr old going out with a 50 year old TBH.

He's a dirty old predator.

She won't listen to anyone.
It isn't your business but it would be nice if we helped out younger women.

Since she's told everyone at work, you could look up his wife and her parents and let them know anonymously.

He'll drop her like a hot potato once the wife starts looking for a SHL.

If she doesn't seem to have friends, maybe invite her out for lunch or some activity outside of work with your friends.

Thank you all for your input - just to answer a few questions:

• she has told us in person during work times all of the facts above. She is scared about other people's opinions really and she does trust us for our honest opinions and advice.

• She won't tell her parents as the man and his wife live on the same housing estate as her and her parents have bumped into the man and his family through dog walks, so her parents will know who the man is once word gets out.

• She does feel as though she had got herself in a bit too deep - she's been seeing this guy for well over a year and has been on various trips away, she sees him most nights meeting up in random places.

• she has not told any of her friends in the fear of it being blabbed about and it all getting out of hand.

• She has had close calls eight he wife and the oldest daughter finding her name pop up in messages on the mans phone. They have now changed the names to code names.

• I do not know the mans name or surname or where his lives, apart from the area as I know where she lives.

• This girl has only worked with us since November 19, the rest of us have worked Together for 10 years and some even more. We have been to each other's weddings (not the Girls), they have all Been to each other's party's, baby showers etc. We do see each other outside of work regularly - however the girl always comes alone and doesn't involve the man.

• She is living a life of lies, she is constantly spinning a web of lies around her parents and her friends as she has to have an explanation for everything to stop them finding out the truth.

• she has previously said to us that the man was 45 and now this week she has admitted he is 51 (not that that makes any difference as he's still married and having an affair on his wife)

I am just worried about her and struggle to give any advice as it completely makes me lost for words and as her mentor at work and the only one closest to her age, I would just like to be there for her whatever the outcome.

Ok so she's been groomed and yes this is going nowhere fast.

Usually I say adults are adults, 18-118 and the rest is their business. But here I understand why you want to guide her, as she's clearly uncertain herself.

You need to build her up over time to finish with him.

Find her a nice 18 year old.

She needs unhooking from this guy. And yes it's v wrong of him, not least because he isn't free but also because he doesn't intend a life with her and 31 years difference at this age just isn't fair. She needs to be free to live her life.

It’s honestly stomach churningly disgusting and I hate it when people act as apologists for these creeps.

No decent human being would, at 50, put a teenager in such a position. It’s sick.

Unfortunately, it’s also none of your business.

She’ll realise when she’s older what it was all about. They always do sadly.

What you might suggest is somehow bringing the Freedom Programme up...recommending “every young woman does it” or the like.

I certainly wish it had been suggested to me when I was a teenager at university being targeted by lecturers in their mid 40s .

Agree with freedom programme suggestion. As someone else who was old enough to know better but prey to creepy older guys at uni.

This girl might feel a bit lonely and misunderstood. That might be why a 51yr old older guy is appealing. Could you just be a friend to her and listen to and support her and take her to Marie stopes for a bloody coil in the meantime ?

I think if you say 'he's using you' (as long as that's all it is- we don't know of course) it can add to the 'chorus' in her head, and eventually help what he's doing get through to her. She might pretend she doesn't care, but on one level she cares.

You could tell her that if she's ever struggling with anything in life, you'll always be happy to listen. This will imply to her again that this isn't going to end well, and will also mean she can turn to you when this 'relationship' encounters difficulties. Even if they end up together that will end up being a bad scene for her, impotence etc. Be there to lend a listening ear and give your opinion and it might help her move on to a relationship with more potential.