(Talked about this before but need answer to another question)
Need your opinions, please.
I (31/F) met someone (37/M) on Bumble about 6 weeks ago. We hit it off and were inseparable. I work in the health sector and he lectures in art so our jobs are completely different.
We had sex on the second date and pretty much agreed to be sexually exclusive from then. We spoke about many things and were vulnerable with each other. Part of what we spoke about was his divorce (which he’s in the middle of) and the last lady he dated before we met. Of the last lady, he said they had met up once for sex and sexted after but things fizzled out during lockdown and she moved 200 miles away. Assured me they stopped sexting.
While trying to show me a picture on his phone, about 3 weeks into dating, I noticed a woman’s naked body in his recent photos. Asked him about this and he apologised, saying he has looked at it but wasn’t actively sexting. A week later, he asked me to be his girlfriend and both of us were very happy. We deactivated our dating profiles.
I’ll just add—about our sex, we had good sex to the best of my knowledge. He described it as “great” so I thought we were on the same page. We spoke about fantasies and sex toys and he said he had neither but would like to be choked to “see how it works”. I hadn’t tried it before so I did a shit job. We never spoke about nor tried it again.
Anyway, a week after us being official, I realised—while he was sending me our pictures—that he had still been sexting this lady (the one that moved 200miles away). In fact, they NEVER stopped. (It’s a bit more messy as he lied and lied before fessing up). I was broken. He apologised and said he was going to stop. We did not talk for about 24 hours after this.
The next day after finding out, we met up to talk and agreed to try again. He lied he hadn’t been in contact with this lady in 24 hours and I directly asked if they did anything differently sex-wise that we weren’t doing, his reply was “no” to both. Anyway, he again fessed up they had sexted within our 1-day break and I was furious. I asked him to show me his media and realised he would put on a leash and restraint and blindfold and recorded himself to her.
These are things I am willing to try and I was just shocked he felt, in his words, “embarrassed and ashamed” to tell me about them. The relationship was early and I felt there were many things to explore sex-wise for us. We decided to take a week break—this was for him to break off communication with the other lady and we would see where we stood.
One week in, he told me he found it difficult to break it off as he would lose a friend in her (said they bond over their love for literature). Wasn’t sure if he wanted anything serious and he was scared I would abandon him later if we reconciled. Told him the last point was bullshit. He said all the cliches: “wrong timing”, “you’re amazing”, “it’s not you, it’s me”. My self esteem dipped—he ditched something he admitted was “amazing” over what he described as “not serious fantasy, I’m not sure she’s moving back here.”
This morning, I found out he has reactivated his dating profile. I am, again, shattered. He obviously wants to meet other people; just not me. So it’s me, not him. Also, “wrong timing” is not true as he is actively still searching. Should I message him to ask for the truth as to why he decided not to try with us? I need closure. Not sure if it’s the right step. Help, please!
TLDR; I found out my boyfriend lied to me about sexting and his sex preferences. Was ready to forgive but he did not want anything serious. Now, he’s back on dating apps. Should I message for closure?