Upset about ex and life in general - need someone to talk to

[hkam]

I need to let out my feelings and get some things off my chest and I can't IRL. I've just been so upset the last couple of weeks - everything is getting on top of me. I'm exhausted and can barely moved. I want to cry all the time but only a couple of tears come out. There's never the release of a really good cry. Everything seems just so hopeless at the moment.
I live in another European country. In 2013 my Mum died after a long illness. Last year my Dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I'm an only child. The whole thing, especially with Dad, was horrendous. The responsibility of then sorting out all the affairs was greater than I had ever imagined. About 3 weeks ago everything was finally sorted.
I also had to have two pets PTS in the last two years who had been with me a very long time.
I was in a rocky relationship with my ex for 5 years, we finally split for good at the end of 2018.
I just feel like I have lost absolutely everything and am at rock bottom. Because of Corona I can't go to any of my music groups and all my friends are bound up with them - ie. I socialize with those people and we meet up to do extra music together but at the moment nothing is happening.

Over the 5 years with my ex we must have split up about 3 times. He was just an awful, horrible man but it took me so long to see - probably because I was grieving my mother and was away with the mixer I think, in hindsight.
I won't write everything he did because it would be as long as a novel....but in short the problems were alcohol, prostitutes, his family treating me like dirt and calling me evil names all the time, his family lying about me around the village and turning others against me, him having emotional affairs via WhatsApp with random women, dumping me for them, then me taking him back after begging me and promising to change.
I feel like he has sucked every last bit of life force out of me. I have nothing left at all.

After we split the last time I went no-contact with him but when my Dad died he got wind of that from some workmate and popped up again taking advantage of my emotional distress. I didn't start up a relationship with him again but we did talk on the phone and that was ok but he disappeared in January suddenly - ie. stopped contact me. I know he has taken up with another woman as a friend told me she had seen them in the city at a concert.
Last week he suddenly started ringing my phone. I ignored it and he later sent an SMS. He wanted to tell me he had passed the course he has been doing for the last two years and to thank me for helping him. The rest of the SMS was all about how he had treated me so badly and he was so sorry. Blahblah.
I sent a short message back saying "Congratulations on passing your course". Got another message full of the same stuff about how sorry he was.

It has upset me so much. I have blocked him completely now. I've changed his name in my contacts to various symbols as the fucker kept popping up on my WhatsApp everytime I searched for contact names and I could see his profile photo changing which I didn't want to. Meanwhile his new gf (who I have now blocked on facebook) was posting all sorts of stuff on facebook of excursions out to beautiful places and all this "happiness" guff. Not mentioning him by name and no photos of the two of them - but I know they are together.

I'm just so upset and it's stupid. I don't want this shitbag back ever. I had no idea one SMS from him could trigger off so much despair in me and that all the other grief is coming out now. It's all too much. I was 12 years older than him and one thing he said when we split was that I was far too old, he wanted a young, pretty "girl" to have children with and he didn't find me attractive as I was too old and he wanted someone his friends and family would accept.
His new gf is 22 years older than him. I just can't understand this at all. Why is she good enough for him and I am not?
I can't even begin to process my feelings - it's all too much.

Nobody listens to me in real life because I am the person everyone goes to for help. Just this week, even though I'm exhausted and want to curl up and never go out again, I've carried 15 boxes of wood up 3 flights of stairs for a neighbour who can't do it herself, taken her rubbish to the tip and also last night had to deal with the other neighbour who turned up (in her car) drunk at 1 am and started wailing and screaming about how she is at the end of her tether. I talked to her for quite a while and eventually put her to bed - she's still there.

I can't deal with myself never mind anyone else and I just don't know what to do.
I don't even know why I am writing this and it's so long. I'm so sorry for troubling anyone.

The first thing you should do is block him and any social media where you can see him or his new GF . Remove even the symbols ! You won't get any answers there that will make you feel better . The past is just that the past .Move on .Have you got a pet currently ? If not then why not get a new one ? Lockdown is beginning to lift and hopefully your music activities will resume . Start by sending some general "how are you ? " messages to people to get involved in general chit chat . It sounds like you are a very supportive person to others. Perhaps it is time for you to open up a little to others ? It does seem that shit comes with loads of company at times . I have been there too and honestly ... talk to your friends . People do actually like to help and are often hiding things themselves. Be kind to yourself and recognise that all of these feelings are natural but those feelings are only here in the present . You won't always feel like this . Google mindfulness body scan and give it a go .

I've had to save him as something in my contact list in my phone otherwise he won't be blocked if you see what I mean. If I delete him then I can't block him. The symbols are there so that when I search WhatsApp for other contacts his fucking face doesn't pop up.

I've got two new pets. They are very sweet. They are the only reason I keep going.

I feel like I don#t want to burden others with my problems. I think I might have caused my Dad's heart attack because in the time between splitting with my ex at the end of 2018 and Dad dying in spring 2019, he was helping me a lot and listening to me but I worry I distressed him with it all (it was really bad with the ex, the things I posted above were only the half of it). I keep trying to tell myself that it was Dad's very unhealthy diet and obesity, diabetes and high blood pressure which caused the fatal heart attack but then part of me thinks if I hadn't stressed him out because of my awful ex maybe he'd still be here. So I'm wary about talking to anyone about my feelings.

OP all I can say if you have been through SO much
Bereavement and the instability
Then this twat

It’s 100000% OK that you are completely battered
I can’t foresee anyone not being

I would do everything you can to block and bleach your ex from your life . You tried , and now to succeed you need to cut him
The unsettled feeling from recent interactions will abate
And maybe this is a distraction from the grief you are carrying

All I can say is be extremely kind to yourself . You have been through a lot

I had some counselling it was enormously helpful

It helped to vent
It helped me identify where I need to force boundaries
It helped me understand me , what I want and need

I hope you can get some support , as this will help you in identifying better relationships

I am very very sorry for your loss

I would also say that it’s highly unlikely you caused your dads heart attack

You can block him in whatsapp.

go through each app that he has contacted you on and block on each app.

When you have done that, delete him from contacts.
He'll stay blocked and he'll be gone.

I have blocked him on WhatsApp - long ago. But my problem is how do I get him out of the contacts on WhatsApp without deleting him from my phone completely? If I delete him completely from my phone he isn't blocked on there any more so if he decides to send an SMS it will get through. I need to keep him in my contacts so he can be blocked on the phone. Or am I being really thick??
Eg. I've blocked tele-marketing companies who have contacted me and to do that I've had to save their numbers to my phone in order to block them.

Is there something I am missing here?

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I would also say that it’s highly unlikely you caused your dads heart attack

Thank you for both of your posts. I don't know how/if I can access counselling in this country. The resources are very scarce. I have thought about it as I think it would be helpful.

The way I block people is to block them on my phone. Their number is saved in 'blocked numbers' on my phone. If I delete the number they can still contact me.

OP have you had counselling? It sounds as though you have some patterns of behaviour that could do with unpacking with someone.

You keep talking about not wanting to burden people and how others look to you for support but you can't do the same with them. You can find a counsellor on BACP.

Other suggestions are mindful meditation. Try the Headspace app.

I'm so sorry about your mum and dad, that's really tough. Even without the shitbag ex it sounds like you've had a horrendous few years, I'm not surprised you felt away with the mixer.
No advice except don't be so hard on yourself, I'm positive you didn't cause your dad to pass away, but it is entirely normal to feel guilt after a bereavement.
Try not to give your Ex any more headspace, every time you think of him you are letting him have control over you, easier said than done I know.

I hope life becomes a bit brighter for you, onwards and upwards.

OP have you had counselling? It sounds as though you have some patterns of behaviour that could do with unpacking with someone.

No I haven't. I'm in another country where it is very difficult to get counselling. I don't know how I would afford the fees the charge.

Try not to give your Ex any more headspace, every time you think of him you are letting him have control over you, easier said than done I know.

He's blocked now. I suppose I will just have to get through the next few weeks to recover from the messages he sent me.
He'd shown up at my church a few days before I got those messages and I completely blanked him. I don't know why he can't just fuck off out of my life.
After he moved out he rented a flat around the corner so I have to drive past his flat all the time. It's really hard. I wish he would just vanish off the face of the earth. I can't move because I own my flat and I like it so I don't want to sell up and move on just because of that fucker.

Ah, pet, you have been through so much, it’s not a surprise you have run out of energy.

When you focus on his new girlfriend, and say why is she acceptable and not me, remember that he hasn’t had a personality transplant, he will be treating her exactly the way he treated you, only she won’t be admitting that on social media. He is an arsehole, and arseholes don’t change. The text message is a fishing expedition, he is checking to see if you are still on the hook, and to see if he still has power over you. This man gets off on emotionally torturing women. Don’t respond, and every time it gets into your head, remind yourself that this is him enjoying himself at your expense, and don’t get dragged in.

Your music stuff will start again, in the meantime, can you reach out to any of your music friends and tell them you are having a hard time and could do with some support/friendship? I know it isn’t easy to put yourself out there and admit vulnerability, but imagine if any of those friends said the same to you. You would absolutely be there for them, so let them be there for you. It looks like the normal dynamic for you is that you are the supportive helpful one in a friendship, and what you need right now is the change that dynamic by admitting to friends that you need help.

When you focus on his new girlfriend, and say why is she acceptable and not me, remember that he hasn’t had a personality transplant, he will be treating her exactly the way he treated you, only she won’t be admitting that on social media. He is an arsehole, and arseholes don’t change.

He might not have started treating her like shit yet and with Corona going on he will have had fewer opportunities to go and get absolutely legless several nights of the week so his aggressive, drunken side probably hasn't come out yet.
Him starting up with her has shown me that he really is a massive arsehole. Obviously he's free to begin a relationship with anyone he likes but when I was vaguely talking to him in November he told me that her husband of 10 years had ditched her by SMS, moving his stuff out while she was out with friends and he, my ex, "had to comfort her". And I thought.. yeah... there he goes - let's see what happens next. And sure enough in January this year my friends saw him at a concert with her. It's just shown me that he preys on vulnerable people - she was devastated at what her husband had done so in swoops my ex.
What an utter fuckwit.

I know that I need to try to forget about him. He is a mega arsehole.
It's hard though.

He made me feel so ugly and useless. I don't feel quite as ugly any more so that's one thing that is better.

He made you feel ugly and useless because that is what suited him, and he enjoyed that power. He will do that to any woman he with, no matter how she looks or acts. It’s well worth remembering that, because it has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. You are neither ugly, nor useless. None of this is your fault, you were just unlucky to meet the arsehole.

However you have been able to escape, and that’s what you need to focus on, the strength that allowed you to do that. You are strong!

I used to be so sparkly and full of life and he brought me down. I feel it come back sometimes - the old me. There are tiny flickers of light - I probably just have to be patient. I've been through too much.
I'm a bit concerned that ex will try to rejoin one of my orchestras in autumn. He gave it up while he was doing his course and in January this year he was saying he would come back in autumn.
The orchestra manager asked me whether ex was coming back and I said I hoped not and explained why. The manager said if he wants to come back he can but that he wouldn't chase him up about it to invite him back. ie. he can't refuse him a place if he wants to rejoin.

My friends there have said they won't let ex come to the pub with us afterwards but it would still be a nightmare.
He has to ruin everything for me - while we were together he wheedled his way into various groups I was in and caused problems.

I suppose if he does come back I'll just have to ignore him completely as if he's not there. As long as he doesn't start accusing other people of flirting me which is what he used to do.

He's such an arsehole.

The sparkle will come back, it is who you really are, and this is just a rocky patch.

You are right, ignoring him will help, it will starve him if the attention he wants, and he will get bored. If you can find it in you to laugh at him, then his power over you will be completely over. Try and think of the ridiculous in him, give him a stupid name in your head.

As for the orchestra, giving head space to things that have not happened yet isn’t helpful, as they may never happen, and then you have wasted all that energy on nothing. Worry about that when you have to, when hopefully you will be in a better frame of mind, and better able to ignore his pathetic behaviour.

don't know how/if I can access counselling in this country

Go online my dear , I had a lovely
Woman at the start of lockdown and we did zoom calls and I paid her online

With the right person it’s so feasible

Oh I'd never though of that. That's a really good idea because I could then do it in English. I'm fluent in another language but I think English would be better. I will look into that. Thank you for the idea.