I ended my 3.5yr relationship last night & I feel dreadful

[HGKPG]

Amazing man.. Couldn't wish for more.. Some flaws.. Haven't we all?!..
However when we met we discussed moving in together was what we'd both wanted and my attempts have fallen flat.. despite both of us wanting it I know I'm wasting my time. I feel so lost right now.

You saying you have been together for this length of time and don't live together?

If you don’t have the same long term goals then it will never work. About 8 years before getting with DH I was with a lovely man but I didn’t want the same as him so I ended it. I saw a year or so ago that he’s married with kids and obviously I’m now also happily married. You have to do what’s right for you and not settle

So he doesn't want to commit to you properly?
Is that the issue?
3.5 years is quite a long time.
You will feel a bit lost at the moment.
Reach out to family and friends and keep busy as much as you can.
Well done on ending it as it wasn't working for you.
You know what you want and you aren't 'settling'.
Get out there and enjoy your life.

Hi, thanks for the replys.
Yes actually slightly longer than I said but?! No we don't live together.
We are such a great couple.. We have SO much in common, I know we all say it but I honestly don't think I'll meet anyone who I get on so well with.. But yes the discussion early on about what we wanted was living together and it's proving impossible.. Numerous arguments that he says is all me and doesn't want to hear about it as doesn't know what to do.
I can't sit around anymore hopi g he will change, its not fair on either of us.

So is he now saying he doesn't want to live together?

So what are the issues?
Location? Price?

The way he shuts you down though is not nice at all!

No that's part of the problem.. Except when I broach he says 'I don't know what to do about it'
I get cross as he's done it before.. So he does know, I feel he chooses not to bother because why else would he be like this?
Location is a slight issue but sortable.. I feel so strung along and cross, yet extremely upset too.

That sounds really hard OP.. and the first months are going to be really hard. I admire your strength though. I was in the same situation. We were so good together, best friends and so much attraction. It became clear over time though that he was scared of us moving in despite being v keen to at an earlier stage. I have 2 DC and he had none and I think it just freaked him out in the end. I let the relationship drag on for over 5 years and even a couple more 'carrying in meeting up' situations. I am only now totally free of it. I missed him so much I couldn't completely draw the line.

Now I'm almost 47 and look back that I should have ended it way sooner - but I just didn't have the strength like you have. I feel like I wasted those years. I honestly think you have done the right thing. It's so hard now and lonely and very difficult to walk away from something that day to day works so well.. but over time your resentment and frustration would have built up.

Do all the usual things.. see your mates, watch some trash TV, exercise. Whatever your thing is. Good luck and don't go bsck. The same issues will still be there underneath the surface unless he genuinely has a change of heart. Good luck.

Lemons thanks.
I wouldn't say I've even got the strength but I know I'm wasting my time in hoping for change and that's a horrible feeling. I love the fact we knew each other so well. All that crappy dating saga out of the way and the settled feeling.. Apart from not feeling settled enough😔

Same here, ended my three year relationship. He was such a lovely guy, treated me so so well but for me there was something missing. He wanted to move in, I wasn't ready for that and probably never would have been. He sort of gave me an ultimatum, but has now back tracked but I'm holding him to it, I'm not prepared to settle, I'd rather be on my own but I feel sad too, but sad for him I think.

Dozy, I suspect that's how my ex will feel.. Crap isn't it

Just venting I guess.. Feeling so down today. Day 6 and nothing. All that time together with a man who couldn't praise me any more if he tried and nothing.. I don't understand people😢

You did the right thing, batting for you.

He might be back in a few weeks, offering you what you want, or he might not, in which case you will be further down the healing path/stronger.

You will start to feel good about yourself for doing the right thing for you.
Esteemable actions.

Maybe he's holding out for someone better... Stringing you along.
Ugh no thanks.

I admire you OP.
If we all took this attitude the men would be whipped into shape.

You don't want to be with this lukewarm character who can just forget you after 3 years.
More proof you made the right decision.

Next!

I made a post earlier today from a mans perspective,my gf of 3 years has said shed rather let me go than ever consider marriage or ever living together,and were really close and loved-up ! I see it as a real snub and makes a supposedly great relationship a bit pointless,if were each-others one then it shouldn't be impossible should it.

I know you feel utterly rubbish now but you really have done the right thing. How much longer are you meant to drift? You deserve more than to be the ‘ok for now’ girl.
Wishing you a speedy grief period.

Thanks all. Not the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time we've fallen out but enough is enough. I love him to bits and know he feels the same, just not enough to give me what I want, if he doesn't know me after all this time then he never will.

Onaclear I feel so sad, so lost, wishing it was different but yes how long do you do that for.
Specialised I get it, it's so hard to get your head around..totally head messing. I don't want marriage or kids, now do either of us have any.. How hard does it have to be?
Blue I know.. Wouldn't be so bad if he didn't tell me it was what he wanted too.. What's that all about?!

Thanks all, know its still early days.

You have a right to be upset. I ended my relationship after 5 years, wedding called off, my share of the house sold. It was the hardest thing and still haunts me now what’s happened. But 4 weeks on, he met someone and is very happy. You will both be ok

Lacey sorry to hear that. Its tough isn't it and they say men move on quicker sometimes but that's hard.
I feel sad knowing he's sad.. I really didn't want to do it and felt I had no choice.. Thats the hardest part. I want him to be OK.. But the thought of him with anyone else breaks me

@Blueskytoday06

I know you feel utterly rubbish now but you really have done the right thing. How much longer are you meant to drift? You deserve more than to be the ‘ok for now’ girl. Wishing you a speedy grief period.

So very true. You’ve done so well OP to take the plunge.

@Lacey2019

You have a right to be upset. I ended my relationship after 5 years, wedding called off, my share of the house sold. It was the hardest thing and still haunts me now what’s happened. But 4 weeks on, he met someone and is very happy. You will both be ok

4 weeks later

He will be ok. My ex sobbed and sobbed on the bathroom floor, asked me to take him back etc. Was upset, angry, just awful. The week later he was a new person and he’d call me to tell me how happy he was with someone. He’ll be ok

Yup! 5 years together, 3 living together and he was with someone a few weeks later and and on holiday with them over new year. Not sure how I deserved that. But for the moral is as sad as someone is, they’ll be ok either way.

Lacey Im so sorry its awful, it just shows me you don't really know anyone.
I want a miracle to happen.. Apart from us not being able to move forward we were the best couple. I'm so sad thinking ill never see him again and all the fun things we did together

I felt the same and then he met someone and for a long time didn’t want to tell me due to my feelings. But things change and I always knew in my gut something just wasn’t right and you know the same. It will hurt, but things like social media don’t help, looking at last online on what’s app etc. You will meet, when you are ready what you are looking for and he will also be ok x